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My T and I discussed what was sort of going on in my exBPDgf's mind when she decided to completely destroy our relationship. My ex's parents had a bad divorce when she was young. From what I know her mother just gave up on her father, who had been diagnosed with Parkinson's a few years prior. I know her mother had an affair, and that her father knew, and he didn't really try to hide this from my ex. She was about 12. Kind of messed up. I also know my ex has some deep seeded animosity towards her mother for "abandoning" her father.

I have talked with my T about my struggle with believing in the authenticity of her feelings for me. My T explained my ex reliving her parents divorce through our relationship. She abandoned me. I was left in a disadvantaged and frankly pathetic position like her father was. On the surface, like her mother, she had a nice new home and came out seemingly unscathed.

Basically he said her feelings for me were very genuine, but they couldn't override her compulsion to relive the trauma from her childhood. I find it crazy and depressing. How can someone be so out of touch with reality? My T said it is easier for her to be like her mother than to hate/be angry with her.

I'm trying to understand her need to be so contemptuous towards me and to punish me with this knowledge.

Her contemptuousness is just one of her fox/sour grapes cognitive dissonance coping mechanisms re the break-up - derived from her lack of emotional maturity as a pwBPD. 

The story told by your T as to "why" can only do so much to help you move on - and in the short term it makes you feel worse rather than better - but that will pass. 

What are some more emotionally mature ways for you to cope with the breakup?

Hi LosingIt2,


Maybe this trauma event in her family history was the catalyst for her borderline personality disorder.  My understanding of this disorder is that she likely suffered a more personal trauma even earlier in her development.  Maybe her mother suffered from BPD, the scenario you describe of your ex's parents doesn't sound too dissimilar to what we read here in these forums daily.

She may have some deep seeded animosity towards her mother for "abandoning" not just her father but her as well (she was part of the family her mother left).  Some people, as a result of this kind of history, might choose never to inflict upon others the suffering they have had to endure for themselves.  But I think in your exBPDgf's case, the pain of that kind of abandonment weights so heavily that she would choose to be like her mother in order to avoid that pain: the best way to avoid abandonment, is to abandon first.


"seemingly unscathed"... .  she has avoid pain which you must now recover from.  But I would argue that so long as she doesn't come to terms with her trauma, so long as she is unrecovered from her disorder, she will always be dominated by it.  For example, pwBPD see potential abandonment even where there is no such intention.  Which would you consider "unscathed"?  Going through the pain, grief and recovery of a personal betrayal (such as what you are going through) but eventually with the ability to trust and love again?  Or to aways avoid being the one who left or abandoned, but never being able to fully trust or love?


Sufficient pain can distort a person's perception of reality.  In a sense, the pain you are dealing with right now is a slight glimpse into the kind of pain that can not just put you out of touch with reality, but can interrupt your mental/emotional development assuming it happens to you at an early enough age.


Try to accept that her contempt towards you has nearly nothing to do with you.   You are the most convenient and acceptable (to her) lightning rod for emotions she doesn't have the wherewithal to face.  In a sense, you are the surrogate for the parent or guardian (maybe her mother?) from whom she suffered some kind of early abandonment trauma.  She chooses to hate you now because she cannot even begin to process the pain from her childhood (from which these emotions first stem).

Great insight.  This takes some of the sting out of it, at least after some time.  It does help to focus the hurt and the anger more on her illness than her.  The less personally you take it, the more you will be able to heal and move on. 

If you hold resentment, it will be harder to let go.  No easy way around it.  Go through it.   

When I first broke up with my ex, I ended up finding another therapist after being dissatisfied with the first.  The second therapist really had a way of crystallizing things about my ex.  Truthfully, I was reeling and needed to make some sense of what had gone on.  I guess I knew deep down something was screwed up, but didn't entirely trust myself to make that judgment unequivocally.  So I defaulted to placing an unfair amount of the blame for things falling apart on myself.

This new therapist, though, man if he didn't just say things that seemed so simple about her but really blew my mind.  It really fed into my obsession at the time.  I look back on it now and realize it went way too far.  Yes I am highly analytical and asked the questions, but my therapist went further with this than he should have.  On one hand it was helpful in making me realize hey this isn't all your fault, but there were things said that were highly speculative and maybe even reckless on his part.  He was my therapist not hers.

This is my long winded way of telling you to always try to keep the focus on yourself.  I wholeheartedly agree with those that recommended you take a more compassionate approach towards your ex and her illness.  You'll be angry for a while and that's okay, just don't carry with you longer than is necessary. 

Oletime,

We do talk about me. I've seen a few therapists throughout my lifetime... .  he is introducing ideas that no one has ever mentioned. I think he is very good.

On the other hand, I talk about my ex. Like someone mentioned on another thread, I'm in crisis mode. I wouldn't be on this board otherwise. I am angry, and I'm trying to cope with it. Understanding my FOO stuff as well as her is important to me. She's not a random entity. She's represents a great many things. My T isn't discounting that, and for that I am extremely grateful and feel validated.

All of these replies are so well informed and thoughtful. Thanks everyone. I'm still at the point where I'd like all of this to disappear and to live happily ever after with her (sometimes). I know people talk about pwBPD not having a real identity, but I very much believe I saw a glimpse of something special. I'm so angry and hurt but can't fathom what she is feeling to make someone act the way she has (before me, during, and most likely after). Trying to learn and understand this is the only way I know how to heal. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I know her parents triggered something. Her mom is an extremely difficult woman. I might only know the half of it. I also know that she can barely muster up the strength to see her father. She's mentioned having lapses in her memory from her childhood. I can't imagine what that means.

I care about her, and at this point I only make things worse. I miss her. I self destructed myself finally. Thinking about her reality makes it worse. It seems very hopeless. I get that it isn't my problem ultimately.

This idea of her avoiding pain... .  she only avoids it on the surface. Maybe that's what it's all about. I said seemingly because she replaced me with illusions of security and progress via completely superficial means. I've seen her breakdown and 5 minutes later she makes an excuse for it. It's all an illusion. I think the only thing that has kept her from going off the deep end is her mother! She's the biggest enabler, and she's a psychologist.