|
Title: How do I contact my DD? Post by: rehtom on May 08, 2013, 08:53:31 PM What is the best way to contact my daughter since she walked out 5 months ago and requested n/c. I have learned a lot in the last 5 months and I am afraid that her husband of 6 months has no idea what to expect and she is pregnant and not on medication. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: How do I contact my DD? Post by: vivekananda on May 13, 2013, 01:14:35 AM Have you found and answer to this yet?
It's hard to have n/c. My dd32 and I are just coming our of n/c after about 12mths. This was precipitated by a 'sorry letter' (sent last Oct). The important steps to get there were: 1) I read Valerie Porr's book 'Overcoming BPD' - this book talks about the 'sorry letter' 2) I became thoroughly acquainted values based boundaries and my dh and I for the first time got on the same page. We implemented a crucial boundary, the consequences of which were distressing for us in the short term, but have worked well in the long term. 3) I read about 'validation' and developed deeper and deeper levels of understanding there. Especially helpful to me was the Lundbergs' book, ' I don't have to make everything all better'. I didn't send that letter until I was confident that I could employ my skills. Since then we have met 3 times and I am so grateful that we are beginning to improve our relationship. My dh is still not ready himself and waiting until the time is right for him. There is hope, but we benefit from a bit of patience and a lot of learning, let me know how you are travelling ok? cheers, Vivek Title: Re: How do I contact my DD? Post by: Eclaire5 on May 15, 2013, 02:57:21 PM Vivek gave you excellent suggestions. The only one I have is to give it sometime. They do come back around (usually when they need us). In the mean time, get informed as much as you can about BPD and consider talking to a therapist. Having my own counseling and taking some medication for a few months were my lifeline during a very difficult time with our daughter.
Title: Re: How do I contact my DD? Post by: angeldust1 on May 15, 2013, 05:24:19 PM Vivek ,
I haven't read any of the books you spoke about, but can you tell me a little bit about a "sorry letter"? I know I need to do some reading, but I am so interested in the site it seems it is all I have time for after working full time, and taking care of a husband and home. Where would I find these, and does the site offer some excerpts from any of this reading material? Title: Re: How do I contact my DD? Post by: vivekananda on May 16, 2013, 02:50:44 AM Oh angeldust... . I understand. When I first found this site I was ravenous to read and absorb everything I could. And exploring the site would get me confused. And I was so hurt and upset so much - it always seems to be when something goes really wrong that we find ourselves here.
I will try to be brief and helpful. I suspect that the 'sorry' letter can only come after a lot of learning. My dh still cannot bring himself to a 'sorry' place. To be able to write a sorry letter means to go some way towards accepting responsibility for the situation and when we first arrive here, that is usually a most difficult thing to swallow. Afterall we are good people who did our best for our children who we love with all our heart. We put them first, we worked hard so their lives could be better than ours. We always put our children before ourselves. I am no different to others here who are just the same. After a year of learning and support from my friends here, I have been able to see things differently now. We are not sprinters here, it is a marathon - it takes time. I recommend that you go to bed early with Valerie Porr (that's the book "Overcoming BPD" that book is easy to read and from experience it seems the best one to speak to we parents. I think Valerie is the parent herself of a child with BPD. Make sure you know when you have to turn the light off, otherwise you will read on too much - and you need your sleep In the meantime here are three sites that may help you: Suggested Reading (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=424c36d71c28ce5833525182511b8276&topic=56210.0) This site is at the top of our 'parent's board' and is in yellow. It lists a number of books and articles that are helpful to us. The list is not exhaustive and there is much more that could be included. For info on the other books and articles, you need to find the relevant boards for all our book reviews and articles. Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=424c36d71c28ce5833525182511b8276&topic=128777.0) This site begins with a very brief review and then an extensive discussion of the value of the book. You may want to just glimpse over the thread, because there is some 'serious' discussion of the book. To appreciate this discussion, it is helpful to remember that on the board are partners of people with BPD and children of people with BPD whose experience is very different from ours. Sometimes they have been so deeply hurt by their loved one that find it challenging to be compassionate towards them. Validation - stop invalidating others (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) While the best introduction to the concept of 'Validation' is I think in Valerie's book, this 'workshop' gives you an idea of some aspects of the concept. A really excellent primer on Validation is the Lundberg's book: "I don't have to make everything all better" - there is a review of that to be found on the Suggested Reading list above. As Éclair has said, give yourself time. We and our children have taken quite a few years to get where we are, nothing will change overnight. lots of love to you all and sorry this is so long (I tried to be brief ) Viv |