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Ok, she retained an attorney but I held off, attempting a soft response. I was hoping to avoid triggering her and maybe get a friendly settlement on property and custody.

So this week her L filed a motion to determine where our S9 would attend school next year. He sends the Request for Order and Mediation not to me, but to a law firm I had only consulted with to fill out some paperwork.  This lawyer forwarded the Request on to me but was aghast, suggesting it was an old trick hoping the paperwork wouldn't get to me timely, or at all.

Next, her L. changed the box that was checked joint custody to SOLE custody.  I called her L to ask for an explanation, and he gave me an lame explanation as to why they really didn't mean that, and that they would change it. (The explanation he gave was that my wife "didn't understand that one parent didn't have to have sole custody."  The lawyer I retained today was livid saying they were trying to F me - hoping I wouldn't notice the change until too late.

But her L seems like such a dignified, friendly old codger... .  

Yes, I can very well imagine that all such claimed clerical 'oops' mistakes would of course be in the client's favor.  How predictable.

Sadly, trying to avoid triggering is a behavior you have to curtail.  You tried your best, it failed anyway, let future decisions recognize that sometimes you just have to do something regardless the effect.  You can't afford to let a mistake happen simply to 'keep the peace'.  Decisions, strategies and choices now can have effect for the next 15-20 years, until your children are adults and even longer.

Your lawyer needs to be assertive and proactive.  As Richard Warshak wrote in Divorce Poison, a book focusing on the effects of divorce and alienation attempts on the children, keeping silent and passive simply doesn't work in divorce and custody conflicts.

Another book you need - one you can share with your lawyer - is by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  If your ex is at all likely to making false allegations, distort history and/or wage War, this handbook is a must read.  However, it helps best when you get the book before the chaos and attacks have started.

Sounds like the lawyer has a personality disorder too! 

I understand what you tried to do.  I tried it too, being soft.  It was worth a shot.