BPDFamily.com

I'm trying to detach from my dBPDgf. I don't feel drawn back to her. We go the same school, she's studying on the floor above me right now. I walk by her every time I walk out for a cigarette. I don't feel anything to towards her... . I don't feel the agony of missing her, nothing... . And that's the problem... . I feel nothing... . I feel dead inside. I don't miss her, but without her I feel empty/dead inside... .

Its not a pleasant feeling. With her, or even when I miss her, things are exciting. Now I feel blah... . Ugh... .

Do any of you have any advice on how to handle this. Am I going crazy?

Any relationship break up is hard. These relationships strip us to the core. You will rebuild – it takes time and it takes courage to turn the focus around to you.

How is your support network? Do you have friends and family and/or a therapist to help you see clarity?

Clearmind,

Thanks for the support. It means a lot to me right now!

I gave a pretty good support network, I guess without it I would have cracked a long time ago. And I have bpdfamily 

I can't seem to appreciate life when my girl is not around. I feel STUCK! With her I'm obv in pain b/c she degrades me and imposes ridiculous demands on me, but without her I'm also in pain/feel empty. AAAAAAAAA

Great to hear you reach out for support.

Your heart needs to catch up with your head cska. Its takes time so be patient with yourself.

Do you see a therapist? This is always recommended - right now you are asking the questions and answering them - this will send you into a tail spin of self doubt and the only thing that will rule in the end is your inner critic.

Your hurt, pain and grief may appear to be about your ex - its not my friend.

Sorry to hear. I can somewhat understand as I've had feelings like that once in a while in the past... .  mixed with depression. I'm doing better now as I'm working on the underlying issues. I recently learned that that "empty feeling" or "void" is a result of child dependency needs not being met. If not addressed and healed, it will carry on into adulthood and be felt as that void. We then try to fill the void with addictions (relationships, drugs, shopping, work, etc.). But the solution is to heal the childhood abandonment wounds rather than to cover it up with poor coping mechanisms.  It's the same root cause as those suffering from BPD, but they are on the more extreme end of the continuum. Google it to learn more and you will find plenty of resources. If you want one resource that I've been using (an MSW with a great website and a few books on the topic) let me know and I'll PM you. Either way good luck on your journey to healing!

I feel this way too, and it's been a long time since the end of my romantic r/s with my BPDex (nearly two years) though we spent a long time in between in this emotionally intimate friendship that has also recently ended (his choice) and so I've been around the loop with him a couple times.  You're not alone, and it may not resolve quickly, so be patient with yourself.  There is a lot of value in my life, I just don't enjoy it like I used to.  But I go through the motions so even if I'm not feeling great, my clothes are clean, my kid's room is picked up, I still have a job, etc.

What's awful for me is that prior to this r/s, I was super happy with my life.  I even told him (might as well have painted a bull's eye on my forehead I think) that I was "the happiest person I knew" just before he asked me out.  Nothing has really changed.  I have the same interesting job, the same great kid, the same wonderful friends.  I'm still a lucky, fortunate person.  I just can't feel much about any of it.

I am not as sanguine as some of the posters here that therapy will necessary resolve that for you or that it is all about your family of origin issues.  I've been in therapy for nearly two years working on my sadness and its origins and there is no sign it comes from childhood issues for me.  Patrick Carnes, who wrote The Betrayal Bond, says that attachment trauma can also occur in adults who have not previously experienced attachment damage.  So while it is doubtless true, as folks say here, that it may not all stem from this r/s, it is possible that this r/s or other adult relationships are the original source of the wounding you are struggling with.

I think time and the eventual introduction of other sources of joy will ultimately fix this for us.  I also think you have to take the very long view and not get frustrated with yourself if it takes a while.  It takes as long as it takes.