BPDFamily.com

Dear Friends,

Does anyone know any therapist who will do DBT on the phone for my dd?

Thanks,

Peaceand hope

Can't help with that ... .  but how about this?

www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html)

good luck,

Vivek    

Peaceandhope,

I dont think you could get DBT on the phone, its a very  intense course with skills too and paperwork. I think some of it could be done over the phone but it would not be as good.

But what a brilliant idea, maybe do it via skype.

Does your dd want to do DBT?

A few years back (3 I think) I remember seeing some dbt therapists that do conduct via Skype when I used the dbtselfhelp search option.  Might still be viable... .  doesn't hurt to check.

While using Skype isn't the best route to go... .  sometimes it is the only option to explore... .  doing the best we can at any given moment in time given the restrictions that exist. |iiii

Heronbird,

I do not know if dd will agree.

she is in college and Iam distancing myself from her (to keep her safe and prevent her from her esorting to projection, rages and resorting to dangerous impulsivity to get back at me) I talked to her very briefly when she calls me.

Now she needs money for her expenses, Iam going to talk to her that she will get money only she attends DBT  and takes meds.

peaceandhope,

It might help if you have fall back positions for your boundary re DBT... .  perhaps there are some different places she could do it, perhaps there are different forms in her area... .  ? I can't recall if she has been assessed as BPD (I suspect she has), but maybe give her a choice of places to attend or something so that it seems like she has some control over what she does... .  

What I am trying to suggest is to be prepared to 'negotiate' a little and not seem to black and white in your approach. If you can leave some doors open if she initially rejects your boundary, so you can continue the 'conversation', while sticking to your values.

see, if you tell her what to do (or else), that seems it could be disempowering, but if she felt she could freely choose, then that could be empowering. It's all a matter of body language and tone and being open to alternative ways to achieve the same goal.

Good luck and let us know how it goes, ok?

cheers,

Vivek    

  Peaceandhope  

I decided that if dd didnt want therapy or she did want it and then said it was rubbish that I would learn some techniques for myself and I could help her.

I bought Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr and I read that book, I had read 6 books before this on BPD but this changed our lives.

Since reading this book my dd is so much better because I learnt some really good tools from it. I learnt how to speak to dd without it ending in the usual conflict. Her self harm stopped and we got on. It didnt happen over night, it took me  a long while to work on the techniques but they work.

She says she wants MBT, which is another one that is good. But in UK there is long waiting lists for it and she has not got on to a course yet. So I thought why wait, Ill just do it myself.

Have a look at this book if you can. I have recommended it to people and they say the same thing as me, their problems are much easier and the dd that would never speak to her parent is now speaking to him. He said its because he read the book and changed the way he speaks to her.

Hope that helps

Vivek   and Heronbird,

Thank you both for your wonderful  advice.

Vivek ,  I know that my dd will take it wrong way if it comes from my mouth. Iam trying to enlist the support of a therapist  and some friends who she will listen to.  She  works really hard to impress other people.  She will start therapy at least  to impress them. 

Without any therapy I will lose her forever. Her dangerous impulsivity scares and worries me to death. Between no therapy and engaging in therapy half heartedly, Iam hoping if she gets a good therapist, she might learn some skills to calm herself down and develop some insight into her behavior.

Heronbird, I will definetly try to get that book. 

Iam so mad that why my dd has to go through this terrible illness.  What kind of illness is this, that it prevents a child from feeling the mother's love for her?  I love her so much and I did so so so much for her but she cannot see or feel it. Her mind makes her view me as an enemy.

Thank you all for being there for me. You all are God  send.

Peaceandhope  

peaceandhope,

I do know a therapist who does DBT therapy over skype (and possibly over the phone). But of course your DD has to agree to this first. If she does, send me a personal message and I'll give you his contact info.

doubleAries

Hi peace and hope,

It is good to have each other here on this site. People here can be such a source of strength.

There were two things I wanted to say.

One is that is doesn't have to be just DBT as a therapy (although I think it is my preferred method of treatment), there are other ways... .  

Two, sadly, love is not enough, if it was, we would have no problems with our kids, would we? So, knowing that, we turn to work on ourselves. I was aware that my dd didn't think I could hear what she was saying... .  well now I know that not only didn't I hear her, but I missed out on a whole world of communication - until I learnt about 'validation'.

peace and hope, we do have to look at ourselves and find ways to develop our relationship with our kids that helps them and us. We need to change and keep on extending our understanding of ourselves, of BPD of our communication skills, of our emotions.

Cheers,

Vivek