BPDFamily.com

I'm currently reading Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson and I'm wondering what caused my unBPD MIL to develop this illness. So much of what Lawson states in the book says that it starts with childhood events.

My husband's family is very close, his grandparents (the MIL's parents) seem to be incredible people. I've talked with my husband about it and he's never heard of anything happening to her when she was little, though it seems both of his grandparents are somewhat estranged from their siblings. After taking a hard look, I'm wondering if my MIL's only sister has BPD too, as she fits perfectly into the 'Queen' persona. My MIL fits in with the 'Queen', with both 'Waif' and 'Witch' tendencies.

In her first marriage, to my husband's biological father (who he has had no contact with since the age of four), was awful. Quite frankly, the stories of him match up with the 'Witch' characteristics... .  the rage, the animal hurting/killing, the violence, the abuse (of all kinds) toward my husband and his mother. Apparently his family was exactly like him, regularly locking my MIL and my then infant husband in closets for hours.

Would being in a situation like that for 5 years (before the separation and divorce) cause BPD?

I certainly don't want the 'how did this develop' to out-shadow what is happening now as I want to focus on the present, but I can't help but feel like if I knew what had caused it, I could better understand her illness.

How many of you know how it developed for your person with BPD? Have they out and said it or did you have to figure it out on your own?

Sure... .  although from what I gather there isn't always a single reason why someone would or wouldn't develop BPD, many people with BPD have a history of abandonment in childhood, either through a parent's death, divorce, or abuse. Sometimes the abandonment is emotional, which may be the case with your in-laws.

I have a good idea of where my mother's disorder comes from, as my aunt has filled in many of the details of her childhood. My mother was the firstborn, and when her younger brother was born, my mother was (rather cruelly) cast aside. My grandparents openly favored my uncle. Learning this answered a lot of my questions and the irony wasn't lost on me that my younger brother is typically her golden child. I do think my mother inadvertently recreated many things from her childhood.

Thanks for your input! My therapist had said that a lot of times after peeking through the past, it becomes evident that they were just made 'that' way. That it can be hereditary. I've thought about this a lot.

I do know that my MIL plays the favorite child card and has since the kids were small. My husband is the least favorite and her parents have expressed their discontent with having a favorite child over the years. They seem to treat their two kids the same, but the less favored grandchildren tend to get more attention from their grandparents. I don't know if it's simply to counteract the favoritism, or if they are put off by the demands and self-centered favorites. It also makes me wonder what parenthood for them was like and how they handled raising the two girls.

My MIL is the first born, so perhaps some abandonment issues rose out of that time in her life. Oy!

I personally don't believe that trauma "causes" a change in personality structure, but perhaps leads to the perfect storm that enables certain aspects to develop - mostly in childhood.  From what I understand, the experts do not know what the "cause" is, and Ms. Lawson is simply sharing her opinion much as I am doing here.  (Although I don't have a published book!)

I believe that my mother was born with the genetics that shaped her personality, and the environmental factors that she encountered along the way only helped create the monster that she has become.  Although there were some hardships and maybe things that fringed upon abuse during her childhood and beyond, there were some incredibly great opportunities and blessings that would far outweigh nearly all of that along the way.  There was also a whole plethora of enabling that didn't help to steer the other direction. 

For me, I believe that her personality was hers from the moment she was created, a biological chemical imbalance further complicated things, and the totality of her environment/life experience created that "perfect storm" of what she has become. 

Who knows really, but what I do know is that it is best for me (and my family) is to stay away from the crazy!