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It's 2:30am my time.  It's my last night in my H & I's home.  He has been staying with his father after things escalated out of hand in Feb.  I have been packing my things and getting things in order.  We have agreed he will be keeping the house and I filed for divorce a few weeks ago. 

I leave tomorrow.  Vey surreal.  I have finally let go of the fantasy of my H, and our marriage.  I have accepted who he really is and stopped trying to make things work and fix things that are not mine to fix.  Aside from a miracle from God working in his soul & mind, we will be divorced in as early as 5 weeks.  While I do believe whole heartedly that God can work that miracle - and not only that he can, but he absolutely WILL - it is all contingent on my H and not me.  It is hard to watch the person you love drown & take your marriage down with them.  Sad... .  but even the most tragic hurts can be healed.

What I am thankful for is that either way - this season of hell is OVER for me.  The path I am on now will only bring life and peace.  I will not accept anything less than that anymore.  I will no longer have to live in this craziness.  The darkness is dispelled and the chains are broken.  Fear of the pain and unknown can't hold me as long as I hold on to Him.  My sustaining peace & love.

As I lay my head on that pillow tonight I am going to reflect on the loss in my life and what is truth.

I am losing the constant nervousness of him being upset with me and me never being able to do anything right.

I am losing the dark depression of feeling not good enough on a daily basis.

I am losing the daily rejection every time I would go for something as simple as a hug, much less sex.

I am losing the mean spirited comments, put downs & name calling that use to be spewed at me in my own home on a regular basis.

I am losing the lonely feeling of having to sleep alone on the couch while someone who is supposed to love me sleeps in the other room.

I am losing the CRUSHING feeling of being sick on the bathroom floor begging my H to come help me and his teenage daughter coming to my aid while he takes his sweet time and only comes in after all seems to be under control.

I am losing my unhealthy role of financially parenting an adult and being terrified of telling him no when he wants to sink our family into even more mounting debt.

I am losing having to dance on a stage all day everyday trying to fill a bottomless pit and please the un-pleasable.

I am losing my role as scapegoat for everything that has or may go wrong in my H's life.

I am losing my role as my H's mother - that HE placed me in and complained about - I finally quit letting him.

I am losing victim status.

There may be a few tears, but then... .  

ZZZZZ... .  

Congratulations.