BPDFamily.com

Hello All... .  

My 29 year old BPD son is living on our the couch and just got fired AGAIN from another part time job. He's had so many in the last 10 years and he's been fired from 95% of them. Should I sit him down and calmly discuss "why" he thinks this many be happening. He usually puts the blame on the employer saying that he's an ahole. All the jobs start out as a new adventure... .  exciting... .  he's finally making his own money... .  everything is perfect... .  blah blah. I know that many of you have heard this all before.

He's on meds for depression and anxiety, which has leveled him off somewhat but it's still there. He's been through a DBT IOP program as well. For whatever reason he stopped taking his meds for a couple of weeks about a month ago and one day his boss called to say there was not enough work for him to do the next day. I think it was his boss telling him they had to let him go. Then I hear the door slam and then I hear the crying which turned into sobbing for about a full 5 minutes. Thank God, he started taking them again. I feel so bad for him... .  it's just so sad, His Mom and I have done everything we can to help him help himself but we're fresh out of ideas. He's on Medicaid which means if he ever can get a job, he can only make a certain amount of money or he loses his benefits.

Quite honestly, I'm afraid if we throw him into the deep end and tell him to leave and figure it out for himself, he'll be dead within 3 months. We live in Connecticut. Does anyone out there have any advice or suggestions that have worked for you or other parents who have an adult child with BPD

RGG

How sad to see your ds suffer so... .  must not be so good for his self esteem... .  I don't have an older BPD but have you thought of maybe a job he can do independantly? Self employed? Does he have any skills? Could some training in a field help him run his own business? Painter? This could reduce the conflict a great deal and help him control his hours etc?

Well he is a singer/songwriter and plays out occasionally but not even close enough to maintain any kind of regular income. He has his Class B CDL but really not much experience and he's a pothead which means there's no way he's passing a drug test. Plus he's a recovering heroin addict and has been on methadone for 2 years. He's about 325 pounds and a heavy smoker.

He gets overwhelmed and filled with anxiety for the smallest things so you can imagine what he's up against. He doesn't know where to begin or how to maintain any consistency for anything he tries. His mom and I try to give him advice and guidance but if it's too much work, he just doesn't want to put forth the effort.

RGG

Hi radioguitarguy,

It is so sad to see our children suffer. And yet things happen so much that are hurtful to them, don't they? It is frustrating not to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything all better.

Please consider the wise advise of the serenity prayer: give me strength to change what I can change, the grace to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

Radioguitarguy, you can't throw him into the deep end, but you can support him through this without telling him what to do. My dd32 would come to us desperate for help, we would tell her what to do and then she'd go and stuff it up and blame us. When you tell your adult child what to do you are disempowering them by not helping them work out for themselves what needs to happen AND you are setting yourself up to be blamed when everything goes belly up again.

The best advice I have for you now is to practise your validation skills. He needs his emotions understood and validated by you before he can begin to be responsive to any attempts to help him sort out his problems. I really think he needs to be the one to work out a way forward.

Is he seeing a therapist? If not, maybe this is the time to try therapy again... .  

keep in touch, ok?

Vivek    

Hi Vivek ... .  

Sometimes I just need to be reminded about validation, but you're absolutely right. His mom and I get so frustrated with this whole "work thing" that as soon as he lands a job, I just wait for the ball to drop when another job goes down the tubes which is usually within a month. He always wants to place the blame everywhere but himself.

We decided that while he's looking for work, we would fill up his car with gas once a week with a credit card where I would meet him and do it myself. When he asks for $20 here and $20 there, I know it's for cigarettes and/or pot, and I can't be contributing to that. The problem is I'm a softee and hate confrontation, so instead of saying, "no", I just give it to him. I need to be strong and realize I'm enabling him. He's on medicaid so the important stuff like health care and food are taken care of. Do you think we're on target here? His mom and I have been talking about possibly renting him a room in the area for 2 or 3 months while he's looking for a job. Any thoughts on this?

No, he's currently not seeing a therapist. He tells us that the therapists available through his medicaid coverage, he can't seem to relate to. Whatever that means! When I kindly suggest he might want to check in with the outpatient clinic to talk it over, he just "yeah, yeah, yeah's" me to shut me up. Soo the validation continues I guess. Thanks "Vivek " and everyone else for all you do. I'm happy you're here.

rgg

hi rgg,

I think it's really important that we support our kids. And it's values based boundaries that help us with this. There is what is supposed to be a brilliant book on boundaries "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend - others have commented on how wonderfully helpful it is. I do recommend you read it. I have it on order.

My problem historically is that our financial handouts did nothing to help our dd. We put in a boundary based on respect for our need to budget and not feel like we were being treated like purses. We said we would pay if we saw invoices or receipts. Well this didn't go down to well with dd who said it was controlling. Dh had offered to pay for her therapy - because it wasn't DBT, I felt uncomfortable with that. Again dd didn't want to provide receipts or invoices. But we compromised if she told us when she went - rather than letting money build up into large accounts. I am now reading Buddha and the Borderline, written by a young woman who has recovered from BPD. It has helped me see things differently.

So, my advice is to thoughtfully discuss some values based boundaries and put them into place. It makes a huge difference. It was the first important thing we did. He needs a roof over his head and perhaps it is a good idea to pay his rent... .  but he needs to select the place etc. We cannot solve their problems for them. And when we consider how we support them, this is what we need to keep in mind I think: it may ultimately boil down to how much and for how long? If he isn't in treatment, then he will never get better on his own.

It is essential he see a therapist he can relate to. You might consider asking him to select a therapist and you would pay for that. You could perhaps find out who are the ones who will do a 'proper' DBT program (this involves 'classes once a week, a therapy session once a week and access to phone counselling).

In the meantime, focus on your validation skills. It really is helpful to read the books recommended here, they make so much more sense of everything. The best validation book is: 'I don't have to make everything all better', by the Lundbergs.  

rgg, please stay in touch and give us feedback. the support we can give each other and the guidance we get here is just so good... .  we need each other.

cheers,

Vivek