BPDFamily.com

I have been alone 5 years since my 20 year marriage became my exwBPD. I realized that this must be what I have that allowed this but all my relationships with women had been with these " I love everybody" free spirit music type children of the 60's and you get it ... .  mental illnesses. I'm not the jock i was the cute waify guy but now I'm pretty much "that guy" to most women though I know I'm like the most skilled and together man for raising children and working a 9 to 5 ... .  being dependable and having a light sense of humor ... .  I finally met a new woman that liked me back but I find out she's one of these and she is NOT BPD but clearly she has "needs a friend more than she can provide companionship" I am also a BA Christian now (25 years) just not your stereotype one. I know at a forum like this I'm going to get some responses that are short of my mark but anybody have real advice for Lassie about Timmy? Do you think Lassie has a saviour complex because I know it's my syndrome that says I can handle this. I don't want to end up nipping or snapping at her.

Are you asking if your need to rescue is interfering with partner choice and healthy relating?

Well I think the question is clear, are you asking if I understand that my Lonely child syndrome manifests in one way as a need to rescue I do. I don't think it is by it's nature a block to healthy relating except to her what I say about love maturity and intimacy might be like how Lassie relates to Timmy ... .  neither really understands the other. I don't speak human and she don't care what dog say anyway if she is screwing around on the rotten boards near the well she's gonna fall in.

I am however asking if these hippie type women with the idea that they can have all these friends and  love everybody that are just gonna pet my fur and tell me "good doggy" sit and I'll give you a treat... .  I say I think I'm really healthy and mature now and that's always been what  is attracted to me and VV.

Being healthy I mean that if they are atypical alcoholics, ( I've never been but I drink a little ) If they have been abused and they take notice that someone like me AND because I have experienced a BPD ( and been emotionally abused which maybe she has BPD is here but I know there is OCD here ) should I just give her every opportunity to contact me and take my lumps when she disses me because she wants do one one of her things and I'm not going to let her.

I feel like I can't have a healthy relationship with her but that I need to give her a view of a non affected funny healthy person... .  me? Do you KNOW what dangers are in Timmy and Lassies's forest that I should look out for? But then again she may have already dissed me for good. and maybe lonly for me is truly lonly and Loser?

Well, I have been projected on as one of those hippie types, as I don't cut my hair, wear shoes often because of genetically bad feet, was in the Occupy protests an other social  movements and don't pay much attention to clothes. but I am not a hippie whatsoever. I am a business person, scientist, and artist, about as straight laced as can be. I get projected on all of the time of a flower child persona, and I am one of the most sane, most conservative people you will meet.

I would say look at the actions and habits, rather than projections. I am not familiar with Lassie, so I am not sure of the comparison here.

Why do you feel it is your job to provide that for her?

Wishing you peace,

PF

gosh it's hard to express oneself in here and apparently to a much younger generation. 1) lassie is a collie dog that saves Timmy from snakes and falls in to the well with almost human intelligence but you have to go back to the 60's. My Hippie has a disordder that you don't mary

ok bad post guess I really know what to do anyway

Not2crazy

I do know Lassie but I just don't understand what your question was. I'm sorry you didn't get whatever you were looking for from your post.

Back to the start without all the mixed up metaphors.

Yes.  You/we/I "attract" nuts.  That is how we get/got here.

Conversely, we are attracted to the nuts that are attracted to us.

so where's my T shirt?

We are attracted to those that resonate with us on some level.

Water seeks it's own level

We are drawn to folks who have a similar emotional IQ.

A victim needs a rescuer, and a rescuer needs a victim.

If Timmy wasn't always falling into wells, Lassie would be asleep on the porch or chasing squirrels, and there would be no "show".

This is your show. It's important to understand why we are drawn to certain "shows"... .  And to

understand Yourself, you are the Executive Producer of the Lassie/Timmy show, and chose the starring role of Lassie. Why?

I wonder along with PF change, why it's your responsibility to provide an experience for the Timmy character?

I asked for clarification because I found your post confusing... .  I also sense you are angry.

Also, I do believe that rescuing is a block to intimacy.

A victim likes some of the benefits of rescuing for a while, but ultimately resents it. This seems to be fairly universal; a rescuer is in a one up position and the victim is in a one down position. It fosters and facilitates dependency (let me help you, you obviously can't help yourself).

In your analogy, The highly intelligent Lassie rescues the uncoordinated (possibly dumbwitted or mentally ill) CHILD,  Timmy.

This is NOT the framework for emotional intimacy or healthy relating between two. The implied power imbalance and lack of understanding between the two doesn't manifest  intimacy. It blocks it. This is my understanding, anyway.

originally I was thinking is it natural that the victim ( and in this case the "Sweet Polly Purebread", which I'll cal SPP from now on is not really a child and maybe that was lost in my Timmy and lassie word picture)

she needs rescue and "UnderDog" needs to save her. It's not that the rescuer and SPP. Yes underdog is lovesick but that's part of my humor.

If I sound angry it's like this ... .  

I see the sweet hippie girl who loves music but did not see the abusive Hell's Angels were there to abuse her and replaced her fun drug with alcohol addiction. Yes that makes me angry. Like I'm at a music festival once as a teen , I'm timid at using a porta potty and when I get up the nerve to go into one I'm tepping in and a hand grabs me throws me to the ground and a ugly snorting guy takes my porta potty. That makes me mad ( and scared ) like it must be to have your body and your ideology taken by an abusive and criminal man.

What this victim is over 40, no kids,  carnal fluids not flowing ie frigid, AA, OCD, it sucks man and it bums my mellow. ( I'm a dog to her anyway so it won't happen there, she's not going to wake up to me sexually )

but I guess It is NOT a good post because she is NOT BPD ,, it is all Gray to her not B&W.

I asked ... .  ( and you answered when you said that a rescuer needs a victim and vv )

I think I mean am I  attracting the wrong type? what can I do to help me attract  someone whole who will return love and not lose interest or just hoped for input along the way but I'm not angry like I think you mean so why does everybody ask me that in my posts? if you don't stop it I'm going to get angry and turn Green!

Man, I can tell you are in agony, you are hurting so bad. I feel for you.

However, I just cannot understand the metaphors you are using, including the last post. I really want to understand. Can you reword what you are feeling?

I think I understand that you are wanting some input about how to attract a healthier, better suited partner for you.

And I understand you are frustrated with this post, because we aren't responding in a manner that is helpful. I'm sorry, I think we are trying our best, though perhaps missing the mark.

I also get that the woman you are speaking of isn't really a child or BPD, and it bothers you and pains you (understandably) that she isn't more astute about her choices... .  and that some of her choices put her in danger. Eg., addiction, hanging out with dangerous people.

I think we ARE answering your question, though. It may not be the answer you want to hear?

The way to attract healthier people is to become a healthier person yourself.

That involves taking the focus off others and the stupid, sometimes dangerous things we see

others doing, and instead turning that intelligent focus and caring gaze onto ourself.

If you are drawn to rescuing low functioning folks, you aren't really taking care of yourself. Like

attracts like. Water seeks it's own level. We resonate with those with similar emotional IQs. Okay, not fun to hear, but it's true.

So her way of not taking care of herself, not knowing herself, not tending to herself... .  looks more

dramatic and dangerous ... .  ,but bottom-line, she's not taking care of herself. And neither are

you. Water seeks it's own level.

If you want to attract a healthier person... .  a person who takes good care of themselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually. That means you need to take really good care of yourself and love yourself... .  to attract the same.

Work to understand yourself and know yourself  

Work on communication skills (I use this board as a group process, if I see a problem with me and the group, I assume it reflects what happens between me and others in the world at large, and try to work on the problem... .  here... .  on this post, there's  been a communication problem, that might be something to work on?)

Work to have compassion and respect for yourself (know you are worthy at your core, regardless of what others are doing)

Read or work with a therapist on codependent belief systems and why it blocks intimacy.

Fall in love with yourself and your own life... .  

Eat right, get enough sleep, get exercise... .  

Learn to rescue yourself, not others. (doesn't mean you can't be helpful to others, being helpful or supportive is different than rescuing)

In time, you will attract the same.

This board is about helping people with this kind of challenge.

Cross-posted

I don't mean to discourage you, but for the most part, I admit I have trouble following, too.


You may have to change the way you see your role in the world if you want to welcome a different kind of person into your life. It isn't just that this particular type of woman has been attracted to you, but you have also been attracted to them. 

Why do you seek out damaged women? Why do you feel it is your job to provide them with an example of "normal?"

PF