BPDFamily.com

Okay.  I know I haven't posted in a while, and I see that most of the people that used to be on this board don't post much either.  But I'm back again... .  I just need to get something off my chest.  I'm conflicted and I don't know why, at least in regards to DOT.  It had been almost 8 years since DOT showed any interest in Little Bit.  The adoption was finalized in Dec. 2011.  LB has lived with me since July 2005.  She is MY daughter.  And I'm the only mother that LB remembers.

I got a message from her about a month ago, wanting pictures and also requesting to be in LB's life.  I sat on the message for about a week (to try to be calm in my response).  But it didn't work.  I ended up sending her what turned out to be a years long pent up rant about how she treated LB and that she should have no expectation of contact and I would send no pictures as I didn't trust her enough with even knowing what LB looks like.  So Why do I feel any guilt on this.  As badly as LB was abused/neglected, and for as long as DOT has gone without even showing concern, why would I feel bad?  And her message had nothing to do with making things up to LB.  It was just a me me me me I I I I kind of a message... .  Give me, I want, I think, For me... .  She didn't even ask how LB was doing... .  how was she in school... .  Was she healthy.  Nothing.

Yet I feel guilty for basically ranting/telling her about herself/ and that I wasn't someone she would be able to manipulate.  Why?  Why would I feel guilty about speaking the truth?

Then I have J's sister.  Ms. Unmedicated BiPolar Disorder Nut Bag.  She attempted in interfere with the adoption when she got mad that I would't let LB or our son be around her "7 times in prison for various violence episodes/drug charges".  Since then there have been other issues... .  primarily that she feels it's okay to talk to LB about DOT, freely giving her encouragement for LB to ask me for contact with DOT. 

I know this seems like an easy fix... .  but it really is not.  In a perfect world I could just say fk you and stay out of our lives.  Cut off contact.  However, since this is the person that pretty much raised J (LB's father), HE won't cut off contact.  The best I've been able to do is limit contact.  But he thinks if I just let it go, she'll quit.  You'd think he'd know better, because if she can't carry anything else she sure as heck can carry a grudge.  I won't let her run my household and she doesn't like it.  She uses up her SSDI and sells her food stamps (casino gambling) so by week 2 of the month, she's trying to borrow money and come over every night for dinner.  I refuse to give her money and I told J that she can come once a week for a meal but I have no intention of feeding her every day.  That's not going over so well.  She's over 50 (acts like a 16 yo).  She needs to be responsible for her own decisions and if that means she has to go to a soup kitchen, then that's what she needs to do.  She moved from an apartment to a house about a month ago, "so the kids could spend the night", yet she has no utilities, cable, or phone because she was so far behind on those bills at her apartment, the companies won't turn them on at the new place until the bills are paid up.  She keeps hinting that she "needs help" getting those caught up whenever she comes over, and I just ignore her because if she did get things hooked back up, then she would expect for the kids to spend the night. 

Another thing about the kids spending the night, she caught two of her grandson's, when they were spending the night with her, doing sexual acts on each other.  She told me about it but refused to tell their parents.  I told her over and over that she needed to tell their parents but she didn't.  So I told J, and he told their parents.  Now it's all my fault the mother's of these children won't let them stay overnight.  But why won't they?  Because 2 weeks went by, with several nights where the kids were left together, and she didn't tell these parents what was going on.  They don't trust her to supervise them properly.

So how do I deal with not being able to cut off contact with this woman (SIL) yet get her to stop having any conversations with LB about DOT.  Frankly, it's not her place, and I don't appreciate it.

Most of us don't have it in us to feel good about venting or ranting, it's against our nature.  Besides, one of the biggest messages in peer support has been not to rant to the Misbehaving One.  Could that be part of it?

I'm guessing that if J wasn't there, then you wouldn't have to allow SIL to freeload and talk about whatever.

But then again, if J wasn't there, he's probably get parenting time of some sort and he'd still allow exposure to SIL and who knows who else.

Maybe it's the frustration that others don't see things (as clearly) as you do, especially concerning LB's welfare?

You're right FD.  It is against my nature to rant.  I sit back and observe and only speak when necessary.  And I tried not to.  I stated facts, not feelings, but even then (and maybe this is because I have held it in for 8 years), the message I sent was 5 pages long on Word.  I guess I just wish I could have sent a short "No you can't have contact or pictures." but I felt I needed to fully explain why I came to those decisions.

As far as J, when we were divorced before, whenever it was his weekend with our son, instead of spending that time with our son, J just gave him to his sister instead.  He wouldn't actually care for our son himself.  So maybe she feels entitled to "help raise" these two despite the fact that I am here.  She has very grandiose ideas of her role in their lives.