BPDFamily.com

Many people have already posted on here about Mother's Day, and my thoughts go out to everyone who had a hard day yesterday for various BPD mother related issues. I wanted to share my thoughts/feelings/experience.

I have been NC with my uBPDm since Thanksgiving, after a series of massive fights and a real-life crisis she endured and claimed I was not doing enough to help her with. Essentially I ended up telling her I could only offer what I was offering, that the help she wanted from me was an unreasonable expectation (read: demand), and that she could take it or leave it. She chose to leave it and went NC, obviously perceiving it as a punishment to me when in reality she has been hurting herself more than anyone else, because for me, the time apart has been a breath of fresh air (albeit painful and sad and anxiety-producing at times -- more often than not it has been easier).

She attempted some half-assed form of reconciliation last month around my birthday, sending me a cold e-mail in which she offered to take my husband and me to celebrate together. But of course it had to be entirely on her terms: she wanted me to come out to where she lives (a jillion histrionic reasons why she could not come to us, of course), on the day/times that worked for her. I made a few attempts to make it work, and was even willing to go out to her despite the fact that it was MY birthday and I'd be the one going out of my way. I felt that her attempt was somewhat genuine and that maybe it represented a breakthrough -- she was actually the one to reach out during a period of NC, and I thought that was significant and I wanted to meet her 'halfway,' if you can call it. But after I got my hopes up, the few dates that I suggested to her she rejected for various histrionic reasons, and her final email to me ended with a melodramatic: "Happy birthday. I hope you have a wonderful year." In the end it was yet another set-up, just another impossible test for me to prove how much I love her, how devoted I am. And I failed, yet again. We didn't see each other, and all I got on my birthday was a pathetic text -- she couldn't even bring herself to call (in her mind that probably would have been admitting she was wrong, which she clearly could never do).

So then I debated how to handle mother's day. My therapist told me if I did nothing, she would perceive it as a major "f*** you," and that maybe I could make a small gesture, but without offering to do anything. So I sent her a text saying "Happy Mother's Day, thinking of you." For the few hours before and after I sent it, I was having anxiety attacks about whether it was the right thing to do, if she would respond, and if so how. The fear we all live in after we do something that we know will be somehow pushing our BPDs buttons. I knew that what I was doing would never be enough for her, and I debated and felt a lot of guilt about whether I should be offering to actually make plans with her. But after how she handled my birthday, it was too hard for me to want to do something nice for her. Especially because mother's day is so different than a birthday: a day which celebrates a person for being a good mother. I couldn't bring myself to offer to do something for her when my true feelings are so opposite from what the day is about.

She didn't respond at all to my text, which in hindsight was probably the best I could expect -- since so often the expectation is some sort of hostile attack, when the response is silence that is usually a relief in some sort. But it also just made me very sad.

I thought that I would be above all the mother's day brouhaha, did my best to tell myself I didn't care in the weeks leading up to it-- but walking around my neighborhood on Sunday, seeing all the people out celebrating with brunch... .  being on facebook and seeing all my friends post things like "Happy mother's day to the world's best mom!"... .  having to lie to my husband's grandmother about why were not spending mother's day with my mom (his family is in another country which is why we didn't see them)... .  it all just made me sad and angry and lonely. I felt like an orphan (I do have a father but we are not very close, either), and it's a feeling that is hard to stomach when you know that in fact you DO have a mother, but their relationship to you has been relegated to this position. Very painful, very hard.

I am still not feeling okay, although I am relieved that mother's day is over. I think a lot of my feelings stem from one core feeling that we children of borderlines struggle with on a daily basis: guilt. Despite knowing in my head that I did what I had to, and honored my own desires/feelings, I can't help but overcome the sense that I should have done more, that I am the one in the wrong, that I am the bad daughter. It's been ingrained in me for so long, it's hard to shake. I'm sure many of you can relate... .  

You are preching to the choir.  Thank you for the post on my post, It helps to hear what others are dealing with as well.  Like you said nothing I did will ever be enough, I did what I felt was right, and considering that she did not honor me as a mother on the day and did not send a card or a text or even acknowledge my existence says something I think.

I chose to rise above it and offer some symbol of warmth.  I do not know if this is going to affect them coming to our DD4 first dance recital but I guess I can't really worry about it.  If they come they come, if not, we will gaurd DD from the Disappointment and go about our day, making sure she feels special.  She will have a large cheering section even if uBPD mom and enstepdad don't show, and I figure it is her (mom) loss. 

I think I am going to mail the tickets, with a signature required to make sure they get them, and to have proof of my own in a way, they tend to be late and I don't want to have to stand out in the lobby waiting for them to show.  especially since DD will be the first dance.  This way they know they are still more than welcome, and I don't have to worry about if they got the tix or not.  I will put a note that DD is the first dance and emphasize the time it starts, and that will be the end of it.

Dammit why can't I just have a normal mom, it is so fricking frustrating... .  and sad  :'(

I feel you mindfullness,

I went through almost exactly the same series of emotions on Mother's Day. I, too, just sent a text with "Happy Mother's Day, hope you have a wonderful day" because I really couldn't stomach sending flowers or a card.

It was also hard seeing all the Mother's Day Facebook posts, the TV commercials, the families out and about - I totally understand.

Took my mom until 10:30 PM her time to respond, with a "didn't know whether you were not well or we are more estranged than I thought." Guilt City with a pitstop at angst. I also keep thinking that maybe I should have done more, but I know it would have been insincere and I would have ended up feeling like I was pandering to her.

That, I think, would have made me feel worse, and that takes at least a little edge off the guilt.