BPDFamily.com

I was angry, then hurt, depressed, scared and lonely. Then found out about BPD, so i was understanding and hopefull, and wanted to fix the situation.  Now i'm mostly angry at him and I chuckle inside when I hear his responses to various things. I resent him. I see him as a big spoiled baby. I think this is the last "stage" of moving towards the official break up.

Any of you went through a similar pattern?

Yes my pattern was similar.  At some point I realized I was not willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the rest of my life for someone that would only abuse me.  That really was what gave me the final push to leaving.  Once I was out of the house and on my own I felt a lot of different things, glee at my freedom, fear if I did the right thing, remorse that maybe I let her down and should have tried harder to help her, fear if I would ever have fun with anyone else like I did with her, anger at staying so long, fear that she might recycle me - but eventually after a few months (we continued to date on and off after I moved out) I again felt there was no happy future with this person and that I made the right decision.  I was honest and told her there was zero chance of a future together and she then moved on to her next victim which allowed me to be totally free of her.

Pretty much the same with me. All those emotions, then I discovered the common thread of BPD which served to temper my anger somewhat and take more of a emphathetic view point. Still did not want to continue the 23 year relationship but at least understood why I did not/could not go on... .  

Anger came last for me. Once the dust settled and was able to assess the "damage report" to myself, my finances, and all other affected parties, I was very angry that she seemed to move on without an ounce of remorse. I've since mostly come to terms with it though.

Rainyren... .  

The common behaviors that are outlined here were a part of her actions... .  but also did some extra research regarding emotional abuse.  It was hard for me to read... .  and... .  learn since most men have a hard time understanding they are being emotionally abused... .  and then looking in the mirror and admitting…it is nothing less than most men will tell you the most embarrassed they have been in their life.

I should have been more of a student of the disease early on in our marriage... .  maybe I could have helped more or maybe I would have decided to end the marriage... .  but either way I will never know but all the information I have learned here is you have to learn all there is to know, from the beginning.

When my BPDw was diagnosed her rages and reactions were not of the atomic blast intensity yet.  Her medication seemed to help and the fact that she was being treated by one of the #1 medical schools in the Midwest by top MDs and PhDs that were part of one of the best Psychiatry and Behavior Sciences teams in the country… I really had hope.  I thought she was taking a path that would be scary for anyone to face.  Serious psychotherapy was going to be part of her treatment... .  to help uncover and heal the environmental family of origin issues that so often are a contributing factor to this disease.

Then she decided that she did not need the meds and from that point on... .  refusal of going to her scheduled appointments to seek help was her baseline behavior.

I knew she had been hurt by her alcoholic father that also severely abused IV drugs, gambled the family money away, she was abandoned emotionally by her father because he was always drunk or doped up or gambling with his friends…and the piece that crushed me then and still crushes me now is that I firmly believe that when her Father would go gambling during the day when her Mother was away at work…he would take her when she was only 5 years old with him to his gambling gigs... .  where I thing she was sexually abused…but she felt that counseling was to only find the things that were wrong with her... .  I could not ever get her to see another perspective nor could her medical doctors that she told the real story to that would tell her that she has some real unfinished business that therapy could really help.

So all through our marriage I tried to lead the path that would help us both for both individual and joint counseling…but she would never make it past the first few visits.

Her norm became that she became resentful and angrier, I was the problem of everything and was not loving enough and over the last year, the resentful anger would escalate to physical abuse and a progression of disengaging to the point like I did not exist.

I told her that for any hope we both needed very comprehensive long term psychotherapy or we would not make it.

As we all have learned here, in the most troubled of relationships, it is not unusual for a “BPD” spouse to abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that you cannot continue. A BPD spouse may emotionally discard their mate and/or become abusive and leave causing the other spouse to feel confused and beat down and now feel the relationship has continued to erode to the point you have no more to give.

So they leave you or you finally decide you cannot go on and that you cannot continue and need to try and heal to protect yourself and you leave them.  That is what happened here, we both cannot go on!  She has filed for divorce and I am working on my healing path as I move forward to begin my healing path.  They have to want to want to try and heal their disease…no one can make them take that action!

WalrusGumboot and ramble on (God Bless you for 23 years!) and hithere... .  all make very good points... .  at some point in our relationships/marriages when the dust settles and we assess the "damage report" is when we act... .  and have to remember that their feelings and empathy and emotional problems are some of the core roots of the disease that we will never be able to fix... .  they must do that!

mrrlk

Hi WalrusGumboot, Glad to hear you have moved on, as I was once acquainted with you over at the Undecided Board, where I posted under a different moniker.  I disappeared for a while after my uBPDw hacked into my BPD Family account.  Two and a half years later after a separation and divorce, I'm back, though the damage report that you describe is real.

Hang in there Rainyren and my suggestion is that you take the steps needed to bring about the official breakup.  You will find that the grass is not only greener, but a lot happier and more peaceful, on the other side of the fence, I predict.  LJ

I was like the phases of grief for me.  Here's the workshop on Grief: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0.

With a little shock and confusion.