BPDFamily.com

Hello everybody,

She's already testing the waters.

1. She's wanting to add stipulations to her moving with me.

2. There's another part of the decree that she wants to change that is counter to what is in the decree.

She signed off on the document.

The divorce was also "proved up" in court where the major things were verbally read out loud, including the parts she wants to change, and then I and she said we agreed to them.

Good grief!    I was expecting her to test things, but not this much.

Oh yes, outside of court, she is claiming that half of my food stamps benefit is "hers".


AnotherPheonix    |iiii

You've already agreed.

Boundary setting time.

It's painful. 

That's what I think. I forwarded my wife's requests, along with my opinion that those things were not in our agreement, to my L (BPDex's L often doesn't respond to BPDex). The reply that I received from my L was short, but seems to imply the same thing:

"The final divorce was signed by the judge on May 2, 2013.

Good luck to you both."


Yep.


Very.

Thank you 

AnotherPheonix   |iiii

She'd have to show cause for any changes and there's no way she can do that this soon.

For me, there was a post-court shock period where I lacked confidence about setting my own boundaries. I think we get a mild version of PTSD from our divorces. I thought my L needed to look at everything N/BPDx threatened to do to me. Things like having me audited by the IRS, suing me for parental alienation, suing the parent coordinator assigned to our case.

But over and over and over and over again, I realized that N/BPDx threatens to do things, and then never follows through. The (unfortunate) alternate side to that is that he doesn't follow through on the stuff he is ordered by the court to do, either.

It might take a while, but you may begin to see the same pattern in your ex. Let's hope! She will rattle your cage and try to get up in your business, but then does nothing to follow through.

PS: How is your son doing? Did his school year go ok?

LnL

Another Phoenix... .  

I know what you are going through.  My process is having much the same curve balls that you see come from your dBPDw and you look up and say... .  What the heck!

My attorney understands the BPD / NPD and continues to remind me to expect the expected.  Even suggested splitting before I learned about it here.

He tries to make me aware that all this behavior that we are amazed at... .  is not a surprise and we need to start reframing that fact.

He reminds that if I touch an hot iron and alert him that I'm surpirsed that the iron burned my finger he would look at me and say the same words... .  that you need to to be better at expecting the expected!  It is what it is!

Patience on your path.

NewWays

MY DH's uNPD/BPD ex still -- 7 years later -- complains to their adult daughter about items in the settlement agreement. 

Marbleloser,

So true. Thank you for the reminder.

Right now, she seems to have "forgotten" our custody agreement over the summer.

AnotherPheonix   |iiii

Thank you, Lnl. 

I definitely see the pattern in my ex. Threats, etc. But then, sometimes she does do some version of what she threatens. Or, she tries something else. But, as you've said. I'm learning to see the pattern, assess the situations, etc., and realize that so much is bluff and bluster.

I realize that becoming stronger and improving my support network will help me weather these situations. I know it will continue until S8 is 18. I'm working on detaching, keeping on doing what I think is best, and keep on doing what I'm doing. Overall, it seems to be working for S8. Everybody is remarking on how well he is doing. 

The most recent one: In the fall of this school year, she had problems with s8 getting for school in the morning. This school year, she's been pushing to up his Focalin XR dosage because it seems to be wearing off early with her and then S8 has difficulty doing HW with her. About 2 hours earlier than I notice it wearing off. This spring she's not having as much trouble with s8 getting ready in the morning (but is still having some), but she's having more difficulty with him doing his HW. Focalin XR is supposed to last 8 hrs. That's enough so he is "covered" through school. He is prescribed to take this medicine at 7:30. So, he should be covered through 3:30-4:00.  Lately, his teacher has noticed him not doing so well at the end of school. Recently, ex has told me that she gives him his focalin at 6:00 in the morning so that it is easier to get him to get dressed in the morning. 

Thank you so much for asking about S8's school year--2nd grade! It has gone mostly well for him. He made his school's A-B honor roll the 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 5th 6-weeks! He has frequent minor behavioral problems this year, but not frequent major ones like he had the first half of last year. He's made many more friends this year! So, he's had a good school year, and learned a lot. At the the beginning of the school year, that was what I thought would be great for him.

S8 is being tested for dyslexia today. His teacher did all the preliminary testing this year, and it seems very likely that he has it to some extent. Then we will have a meeting to discuss the results. Our school appears to have a great tutor for dyslexia students, so that will be great. My ex has such a hard time with getting him to do his homework, particularly his reading. I feel that right now, a lot of the burden of helping him with his reading and school work falls on my shoulders. I am hopeful that, even if he doesn't have dyslexia, that the school will have the tutor work with S8. S8 might even get some extra tutoring during the summer. I am so hopeful about this.

AnotherPheonix    |iiii

NewWays,

Thank you. You and your L have it right.  I'm very glad that you have a L that understands the problem!

AnotherPheonix    |iiii

If she makes a proposal that you think is a very good idea, you could agree to it by an exchange of e-mails - make sure it's very, very clear - maybe agree on a temporary basis:  "I agree but let's do as you suggest from now through June, and then see if we both want to make it permanent."

If it's something you don't want, or if it's a small thing, just say "No." or "I don't think this is a good idea."  No need to involve your lawyer.

If she files a motion to change the agreement, you might have to file a response, but you still might not need an attorney;  just write clearly that you oppose the motion, and give very simple reasons, and cite the recent agreement you both signed.

Matt,

Thank you. I was thinking similarly to what you say in your first two paragraphs. I also like your third possibility if she files a motion to change the agreement. I have a question on that one. Do I need to talk to the clerk or somebody to make sure that I get motions that she files?

AnotherPheonix     |iiii

You shouldn't have to - the right procedure where I live is that the person who files a motion is supposed to make sure the other party gets a copy, and then the court also sends a copy.

But it would probably be a good idea to ask someone at the court to make sure.  There may be a web site where you can check to see if anything has been filed in your case.

I am dyslexic too. Most important book you can read is Dyslexic Advantage. Even if he has mild dyslexia, it will change your son's life. Lots of people think that dyslexia is only about letter reversal and reading challenges, but there's a whole bunch of other related things happening in the way dyslexics process information. www.dyslexicadvantage.com/

One thing I learned is that gifted/dyslexic looks a lot like ADHD/sensory integration disorder. The former treats the behavior as a learning condition, and the latter treats the behavior as a medical condition. Some of the behavior that looks like ADHD might actually be dyslexia, especially the struggles to sequence and order things. Medication does not help that, although it does seem to give a small bump to executive functioning. A lot of dyslexics struggle with procedural thinking because we tend to have more web-like thinking patterns. Dyslexics also tend to reason in ways that look gifted, because we aren't pinned to procedural thinking so much, which is how most of our learning is taught and assessed. My son is labeled gifted, but he also struggles to put things in order. He'll figure out intuitively how to do math equations he hasn't been taught yet, but then has no idea how to explain it to anyone.

One thing I did to advocate for my son was to develop a really detailed 504 plan that was tailored to his learning style, so he isn't penalized for being dyslexic. I made it my goal to prevent school from making him feel inadequate, and I used the 504 to do that.