BPDFamily.com

 I just had a great weekend - a 3 day festival where I was the producer came off well. A few days later I got an email from one of the key volunteers (a woman) that was emotional and critical of me ( how she perceived my treatment of her). She resigned.

Well ... .  I reacted and took it very personally. I thought "What a lousy leader and what a bad guy I am". I reacted with a groveling email apologizing, taking all the responsibility, promising to change etc. Later I felt like such a failure I resigned from the society!

Last night I realized what had happened. The email had re-triggered my feelings that I had with a r/s with my exBPD. Hypercritical emails where everything was my fault were at least a weekly occurrence often with a "I need to detach" ending. I would grovel (apologizing, taking all the responsibility, promising to change etc.). I now see this as emotional abuse from a pwBPD. I chose to stay for reasons that I am figuring out now.

This woman is not BPD (yes she is from Venus lol). This was a big wake up call for me. I will have women in my life that get emotional and express themselves. My r/s with a BPD has left me hypersensitive to perceived criticism and abandonment. I need to remember that not every woman is my ex.

What a freakin relief!

I have had the same experience. A word, a phrase, a laugh, and action sets off an irrational response. I also found myself reluctant to do or say things I ordinarily would have. It seemed like I wasn't sure what was appropriate and inappropriate and was gauging peoples reactions along the way.

Weird experience.

nolisan you being critical of yourself happened way way before your BPD relationship. We often turn back to our relationships and make comparison thinking "ah thats it - thats how my ex treatment me" - well yes thats true however - look beyond it and you will find the answer as to why you cannot provide yourself with kindness and compassion and why your inner critic keeps telling you are worthless.

Its likely this unworthiness is what drew to your relationship - you were idealized - felt good for a while. The devaluation stage may then be reminiscent of your childhood - the good girl who was still blamed/criticized

I always thought I had reasonably healthy self esteem while recognizing that I was sensitive and could be self critical but man the r/s really brought that shadow side out. It was a good thing that it came out - now I can work on that. And see when it becomes active - it is not my true self.

I am working ACA and developing a loving parent to my luminous inner child (he's a great kid) and recognizing the critical parent - he has his place to but not in the drivers seat.

This is one of the big gifts of the r/s.