BPDFamily.com

This site has been instrumental in helping me heal and detach. Thanks so much, not just to those who responded with confirmation and insight, but also to those who shared their own personal stories. There are many strong, caring, insightful people on here who've been through a lot. It's downright inspiring :)

As I detach further, and even forgive (by my own personal choice), I've noticed something curious. Yes, I feel so much better and the obsessive, longing thoughts are gradually dissipating. But I'm really starting to see "the big picture" and just how much was actually wrong. Even though I've shared on here (and then some!) many, many examples of bizarre and erratic behavior in my BPD exgf over the course of our relatively brief relationship, I've come to realize that I pretty much overlooked or never realized the severity of her most insidious behaviors.

I was commenting on a post that somebody made on here about their own red flags, and they had mentioned a situation which was analogous to walking on eggshells. Suddenly, I remembered a conversation that I had with my ex at the start of our relationship. She said to me that she did not like her partners talking to their friends about their relationship - especially any problems that they may be having. This made her very upset and she went as far as to imply that she considered it a betrayal. I honestly thought nothing of it at the time and figured that she was just a private person, which is certainly her right.

As the erratic and bizarre behavior gradually started coming out, I did need to talk to somebody, as I was confused and some things just didn't seem right. I began texting my oldest and dearest friend about this. He was very understanding and, while he didn't have answers for me, he did validate that some things were off. At no point did I ever engage in bashing or putting her down - I'm not an angry person by nature. She was my world, but I was confused by her behavior.

Every time I'd visit her, I'd always text this friend, telling him to not text me anything about what we had been talking about in fear that she might see something and feel betrayed. This led to me feeling guilty and ashamed, as I was doing something behind her back. I truly believed that I was betraying her, but I also knew that I needed an outlet to discuss some of her behavior. It was incredibly confusing and conflicting, and helped contribute greatly to the FOG.

Like many people in my situation, I believed that our love would eventually overcome this, and that she'd grow to trust me even more. I fully intended to tell her about what I had been doing, but as we progressed, I realized she was unwavering on this issue. At one point, much later, she actually brought up this subject again, about how her longest term boyfriend had talked to one of his good friends about some problems they were having and she was livid. When I say that, I mean that she was livid in TELLING ME - I can only imagine what he must've received. She also reiterated her favorite line of all, that she absolutely and completely hated liars and lying. About anything. There was no grey area here.

Then it hit me. There was nothing normal about her request to not talk to my friends about our relationship. It was wrong. It was controlling and it was hurtful. I could probably even make the stretch that it was a form of isolation from my friends (though this is something she never really seemed to do otherwise).

Our final blowout fight and subsequent breakup occurred because she was snooping through my things and found a picture of a female friend that I took when we had dinner some time back (it was nothing inappropriate whatsoever). My ex took this to mean that I was cheating on her, and proceeded to spit venom at me, which culminated in her choking and kicking me. Yet it was I who calmly told her during that fight "That's it <ex's name>, it's over." I broke up with her. As codependent and insecure as I was, I broke up with her. I had enough. The last thing she yelled at me as she stormed out the door was a disgusted "I deserve SO much better than you!". That was almost a year ago to the day.

I hate to say it, but I believed it for the longest time. Largely because of that little lie that I carried with me. I technically betrayed her trust, didn't I? I was a dishonest person, like she accused me during our breakup. But the truth isn't that simple. That was the FOG talking.

Thankfully that FOG is slowly going away :)

Calling it "FOG" is certainly fitting, isn't it?

It is certainly amazing (and frightening) how we willingly stayed under their spell. It's nothing short of a type of brainwashing we had.

Your journey out has just begun. You will have more insightful revelations as time goes on.

Congratulations!

Thank you so much, Walrus!

I actually showed my good friend (the one mentioned in the post) this post and his comment was simple and telling: "What's interesting to me is that it was so obvious from the outside. But you had stockholm syndrome." He's right.

While this is a big milestone, the next step is to really look at myself and see what allowed me to become brainwashed (as that's certainly what it felt like) by this person.

Calling it "FOG" is certainly fitting, isn't it?

It is certainly amazing (and frightening) how we willingly stayed under their spell. It's nothing short of a type of brainwashing we had.[/quote]
The incongruous beliefs and attitudes which I found myself adopting and holding, whilst in my relationship were incredible! Many were completely opposite to my core values which I had held from infancy. These included moral values and even religious ones. The Cognitive Dissonance experienced must often be immense in relationships such as these.