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This unshakable feeling that others are out to destroy me, that I am just a mark, is indicative of a disorganized attachment style. You can lecture on on so called forgiveness, but I will never forgive the irreversible  damage my FOO has caused. I have an abstract concept of morality,which bleeds Into the intrinsic morality. but I just can't get over this feeling that people are full of sh!t, and untrustworthy,

I wished my parents had just aborted me, the pain they have caused, genetically and socially, is unforgivable. I mean seriously, what were they thinking. Oh, that's right, they weren't.

Comments appreciated.

Mary,

I don't know you in person, but I know enough about you from reading your posts to feel that are a wonderful, kind, considerate, caring person deserving of good things and happiness.  You are special, and you are unique.  You are a beautiful child of the Universe. 

You are cared for.  You may not have felt it from your family or others who were close to you, but there are people who care.  You have a lot to offer.  You seem very interesting to me as a person, and I like reading what you have to say.  You have inspired me in my journey. 

You've made great strides in the short amount of time I've seen you post.  I can keep telling you the positive I see and I'm sure others will do the same, but what will help the most is when you begin to give yourself those messages.

My parents were not the greatest either at helping me with self-acceptance.  I've had to essentially re-parent myself, and I'm still doing it.  It is not easy, but I have seen some improvement.  We are all children of God and we each have a right to be here.  How can you help the little girl inside feel safe?  How can you re-parent her?  I think you already know some of those answers.   

Much appreciate the response. I much appreciate your support, and you have come a long way as well. This isn't about positive self talk. I have no self esteem issues anymore. This is my brain trying to come online from being checked out a year. There is no free lunch here.

I have worked very hard this week and the violent mood shifts have returned, along with some dissociating, though the dissociating was not as bad.

Goddam, my nervous system is a disaster. I can not forgive the people who put me in this place. I have been getting along with my poor N dad, who is starting to get a little insight after getting his ass kicked sideways. However, I am considering going no contact with him, because my brother uses him to pump info about me, cause he is too chickenhit to contact me himself. There is always a game with these people.

"I have an abstract concept of morality,which bleeds Into the intrinsic morality."

Out of curiosity,what do you mean by this?You think your moral standards are too high,or too low?

I don't internalize worthless norms. However, reasonable rules, like the 10 commandments, which is just an abstraction some guy wrote, but it assists in holding civilization together, gets internalized. It's like a do no evil thing.

Gotcha! You're a "do no harm but take no sh!t" kinda gal? 

I may have misinterpreted your post.  I read your comment "I wish my parents had aborted me" as you were not feeling good about yourself. 

You are frustrated and pissed off because your parents didn't give you what you needed as a child and it is still affecting you cognitively and emotionally.  I understand being angry at parents.  I don't think it was right that you were treated that way, and I believe you deserved and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.   

Your honesty and determination is appreciated.

Hi Maryiscontrary

This might be a little too personal, as I'm unsure of your age and well, it's personal!  Any chance you could be in the throes of perimenopause/menopause?

The reason I ask is because I am   And I'm feeling the weight of it through mood shifts and introspection.  It's like 'coming of age' in middle age lol  With all the growing pains and hormone fluctuations of adolescence.  Fun stuff!

Knowing this though, helps to kinda keep things in check for me.  I've downsized my life quite a bit and pay a lot more attention to the things I enjoy and can handle well.  Nonsense crap gets the boot, then it's outta sight, out of mind.  BPD in reverse, if you will *)


 

Hi Mary

I'm interested that, despite your anger toward people who have treated you badly, you still feel compassion toward your 'N' father. I'm interested because, for me, my father is the one who triggers my emotions the most, and he is the one who consistently treated me pretty badly in a very nice way over the years. He sits in a care home unable to speak or do anything much for himself. I haven't visited him for nearly 2 months which is unheard of for me but is helping me look after me. Yet when his N sister contacted me recently to guilt trip me in her oh so nice way I am all over the place again.

You talk about your FOO but your brother is the one who gets all your anger. I'm not suggesting he shouldn't but maybe your father deserves some too. I don't know the story and it's just a reaction to one post and my own relationship to my father. He is the one who has actually caused me to be walked all over by people who are worse than him. But he would have no understanding that he has done that because he is no ability to look outside of himself and see that!

Also, and I know you don't need the validation so please know that it isn't that: You are a very unique and clever individual. Your ability to cut through the BS in life makes you one on your own. You tell it how it is and it's incredibly refreshing and appealing. It can also be incredibly frustrating and annoying because not many people have the balls to do it. They want some of it because most people aren't as brave as you. They want to piggy back on. It's understandable that makes you angry. I'm not sure that equates with a disorganised attachment style?

Once again, I thank you for your responses.

Yup, I was pretty damn disorganized and fragmented. When this gluten autoimmune thing was in full swing, I was psychotic. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling sickly intoxicated, with a bad hungover feeling. It was the autoimmune neurotoxicity, which disappear promptly after stopping gluten. Honestly, I wish I had never been born. My life has been a nightmare. I have gotten little for what I have put in.

I am not saying there haven't been good parts. But I have been sick and nearly nonfunctional, without support, a good part of my life, with huge responsibilites thrown in my face, and with few resources to cope. And as a result, I have to be super vigilant, super careful, and really really watch others actions, as many, many have an agenda and are looking for something for nothing. And will go to great lengths to conceal this nasty fact.

My father has had his head crammed in the bucket o truth in the last few years, and when I told his best friend of 60 years that I was about to go NC a few years ago, his attitude changed. He started becoming protective and fatherly. He tried to reason compassionately, albeit imperfectly, with my insane husband. He went to never calling or picking up the phone to calling several times a week. But man, is there a loose screw. It's like he is retarded, literally, on a certain level. He falls easy prey to manipulation by unsavory sorts, where he was that himself.  I have to keep a very cautious distance, because honestly there is a lifetime of using, entitlement,and manipulation.

It is only because I have taken many years to work on this, eaten the _____ sanchwich, paid and paid the dues, that I can even communicate and function on the level I do. I basically had to eschew everything and live monk like, so that I could work on this with no distractions, and I am still _____ up.

And with all of these deaths, which has brought out the monsters in the family, me having to step up over and over to stem humanitarian crisis over and over. Forget about not getting needs met in childhood, that's done. It is the fact that _____ up people make family crisises even worse, and induce huge amounts of suffering on the sick and dying, and make very bad, long implicating decisions. And I have to clean up the trash, or somebody dies or bodies don't get picked up, or somebody gets deported, or the IRS or other creditors (not my doing) comes down with a vengeance. Well I quit. The basic actions I took, that universally holds families and societies, and civilizations together, got universally and totally $hit on. Taking the higher road, doing the right thing, paying the dues, got me robbed, abused, and _____ over. I feel like a Vonnegut character.

Seriously, I have huge issues with intimacy. I got so burnt out and traumatized that I have been dissociating 60% or more of waking hours for more than a year. I couldn't even put together a narrative, it was so _____ up.

Well, I am waking up from this fugue. I have so little to show for all of the years of cultivation. Being careful, prudent, reliable, industrious. This has gotten me nothing.

You are beginning again. You are being reborn. That's some tough deal.

And you are too. I do appreciate all of you.