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The last couple of days have been very hard for me. Something I have not felt in a long time I want to add. An old friend of mine passed on some information about my ex and it brought up a lot of crap for me. Lately I have been feeling really angry about my ex and what appears to be her successful marriage. Things are going smashingly well for both of them it seems and I for the life of me can not figure out what the heck happened to the crazy lying b*tch I was with for 7yrs? They have been together for 2 years and married for almost one. What gives? When does the crazy start to reveal itself? How is it all of her exes including myself got the crap kicked out of them and this one is somehow successful. It totally p*sses me off. Just saying. 

Could be all kinds of things.  We never can fully know what happens behind closed doors for other couples.

It may be as simple as what bothers and hurts most others doesnt bother him. 

Why is it upsetting GOI?

My expwBPD told me he and his former girlfriend got along great & said "we were VERY compatible."  But it was a puzzle to me, as when he described her it seemed she was very rigid and controlling of him.  One of the first things he said to me was "I will not let you control me!"  He also mentioned that the relationship with his former girlfriend was very, very compatible but "lacked passion."  He was also very rigid so I just thought maybe they were two of the same kind.  Maybe he needed someone like him.  He said "she was very exacting, very correct, and her home was always PERFECT."  Perfection in home, etc., was something he always strove for, but with uneven results.  He'd spend so much time on one project that he would totally ignore others.  Sometimes I thought he had been almost afraid of his former gf.  Hard to figure out!

It still bothers me because I still am waiting for Karma to kick in, I want retribution. It seems so unfair that the likes of my ex and ex-friend can do and say such horrible things and still florish. Within a year and a bit my ex was pulling her BPD crap on me, now it seems she is on her best behavior. As mentioned before they have been together for two years and stil thriving. I just don't get it. It seems so unfair. What does my replacement have that I didn't? It makes me question myself all over again. Was it me?

Don't fret... .  

There's alot going on behind closed doors that no one's allowed too see. Especially you! That would just validate her imperfection. Something BPD's cannot deal with.

My ex was a master at this. Outwardly we were the perfect couple. She made sure that everybody saw us that way. At home it was everyday BPD.That lasted 15 years! Don't believe someone else is going to make her happy. It can't be done. In the long run, all these relationships fail or become toxic. Some guys just fight harder to save it... .  

Stop worrying about what she's doing or how she's doing with the next guy. You were in hell, right? Be glad you're out of it and start concentrating on you  :)

atb, mrclear

Hey GOI---

I hear ya, brother... .   just found out that my ex (11-year relationship) is getting married in Sept. and moving to TN (from NY). Nothing wrong with TN, but it's completely not her.

The guy? He's honestly gross and 15 years older than her. So what the heck?

Well? It's all rather simple. She's got zero career aspirations and he's got a pension--an NYC retired cop pension. She'll never have to work and will provide him with "physical rewards" in return for monetary ones. (I think there might be a name for that.) Soon, though, the spigot will be shut off and it'll be "show time." It's guaranteed because they can't help themselves.

It's a guarantee in your case, too, GOI. Trust your gut brother.

AWS

Please know you didn't deserve to be treated poorly.  I know my ex started treating other people with more consideration than he did me.  This was hard.  It made me question myself and self esteem.  It hurt.

What I learned about myself was I taught him it was okay to be a b@stard to me.  And that I don't have the stamina to be with someone that required that I police my boundaries for simple things like common human decency.  I think its a little of both perfect combo for a malatov cocktail.

Maybe he likes unstable (not judging some guys like crazy women - its exciting ) or he doesn't put up with BS.  I don't think that it means a better man than you.  Just different.  And she wasn't cutting it as your partner with the things you needed.

Do you think you guys could have had the relationship you needed?

What came to my mind when I read this, is that any of my ex-BPD's girlfriends could have wondered the same about us.  We were together for 7 years (he never lasted longer than 2 years with other gf's), and things on the outside seemed great.  Anyone who knows my ex-BPD cannot believe he does the things he does behind closed doors - he's a master at appearing fine and fully functional.  Perhaps your ex has gotten better at hiding?  Perhaps her new partner, like me, is really great at accepting blame?  Perhaps he doesn't see the lies? 

Here's hoping you find some peace of mind - others suggestions about finding relief to not be in a toxic relationship are good.

H4E

GOI, you were together for 7 years and they have been together for 2! Its possible it has not cycled yet.

Is it helpful to have your friends give you progress updates?

Ya... .  you might be right. It just bugs me. And I already told my friend not to give me anymore updates because it brings up a lot of crap for me. Even after 2 yrs of not being together, it's amazing how much that woman still has an effect on me. Mind blowing actually. Aaagh. 

For some reason for that kind of stuff can hit on sensitive spots... .  makes it real easy to start comparing yourself to the new one.  Id say theres no real comparison you tried.

Hard to compare - it doesn't speak to your loveableness or worth.

I think that's something that we are all wondering... .  I have no answer, though. Perhaps, it's just that we don't know what is really happing between them, perhaps it depends on the persons involved. As a matter of fact, my ex-Bf recycled one of his exes. If she was an ex, it means that in the past she hadn't been so perfect to remain a Gf. But the thing that hurt me so much is it seems that he has never painted her really black, even if she behaved not well after their break-up (a sort of smear campaign against him, perhaps just anger, I don't know. She had also raged on him, when she got to know he was dating me - after 5 months from their break up and 4 months of NC decided by her... .  ). But, in some way, he was always finding a reason to justify her... .  As for me, I was painted the blackiest of all black and totally banned from his life, even if I didn't do anything of that sort. I just said "I can't bear it anymore" as he was ouvertly cheating me with her... .  

I have often wondered about this.

My ex described things with the person before me as calm and peaceful and she felt she was able to control things.

With me, things were intense and tumultuous, and we tangled cuz I am not someone who likes to be controlled.

Of course, she was doing us both at the same time. So, if the former was so good, why go looking for the latter to begin with?

As time went on, she would let things "slip" as to the truth or the truth of the moment.

In my opinion, the ones that get painted the blackest are the ones who have gotten to close and that have become most successful at confronting the BPD with their real, flawed self.

If you are loving, caring and supportive, the BPD has no other recourse than to project their negative traits on to you. You become the mirror and therefore the main cause of the BPD's unhappiness and inability to maintain a stable relationship. Fleeting, intimate flings or the ones that sporadically fill the BPD's emptiness through physicality pose no threat. It's the ones who they value and idealize into their rescuer that poses the greatest danger to the Borderliner's sense of self.

In the end, their abondonment issues will become to overwhelming and they will always flee back to what they know and feel comfortable with. The Borderliner lives stable in his own, unstable world.

The closer you get, the blacker you will be to them.

mrclear

it'a a good point and I agree with you, but it makes it all even more sad, as it leaves no possibility... .  The more you love them, the more caring you are, the more you try to answer their needs, the more they will hate you... .  

Wow. This was very helpful and very clear. Thank you.

They don't hate you, they project their own self-loathing on to you. Love, hate, failure, guilt have nothing to do with it. It's a disorder. You can't help them and you can't save them, as long as don't want to change. Sad? Yes. Your fault? No.

DBT is a possible answer, and that's a long hard road that hardly any of them want to travel... .  

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You'll need all your strength for that.

atb, mrclear

thank you, mrclear, I'll need it.

You have to remember goit,with every RS,she's refining her tactics.She's doing the same things she did with you,but she's getting better at hiding it.Her H may not have very strong boundaries as well.He may endure more than you did.She'll take advantage of that and push him until he finally decides he's had enough.The RS dynamic isn't the same as you and her.

Wow. 


This explains so much.


That's exactly what he did.  Went back to his between relationships "go to" booty call girl.  Made me feel so easily and carelessly replaced.  But your quote sums it up, and provides me with a little bit of peace about the whole thing.  Of course he did - she wasn't threatening.

Thank you, MrClear.

I agree with this.  He revealed himself to me entirely, including BPD diagnosis, heavy drug use, promiscuity, horrible friendship betrayals (It was all a bit too much for me to handle)... .  I don't know why he did this, but we became incredibly close... .  every time we got closer, or spent time together (the two went hand in hand), I sensed he would dial up one of his "physical" flings, pretty much the next day (he was kind of hinting at it too).  To be honest, I started doing something similar (I guess I too did some mirroring)... .  I started going on dates with other people because I knew he was no good and I needed to get my mind off him, and my thought pattern was getting borderline obsessive! It didn't really work, but it did give me temporary relief and a feeling that I wasn't sitting at home alone obsessing over him.  and I enjoyed the attention... .  it gives the ego a bit of a boost really.

He's since moved on to someone whom he says knows nothing of his issues and who seems to have the emotional maturity of a teenager... .  sounds like a safe place for him where he doesn't have to confront his baggage.