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I've made appointments for DD22 and I to do fun things twice in the last month (wax and massage). She bailed on both at the last minute. In response to each, I said:

oh sorry thats too bad!

nothing else.

She just suggested I make an appointment for her eye exam. I said:

its better for you to make your own appointments because you know the demands on your time better than I do.

Nothing else.

At timepoint 2nd bail, the onus is on me, because I'm the one making these appointments, to NOT make appointments for her. Not a matter of her being a good responsible daughter who appreciates her mother, not a matter of me extending myself in expectation of HER follow-thru or gratitude. Just A>> B>> C: Make apts>> bail>> dont make apts anymore.

This means: I take charge of what i do and my expectations, i dont depend on DD.

It means: She is GENUINELY not responsible for apts I make, nor for my feelings if she bails or follows thru.

The result is: when she asks me to make another, and I respond with the above as my baseline... .  its a clean, healthy, respectful communication on both sides.

The benefit is: she responds with "oh yeah thats probably true." And we go have smoothies for lunch and talk about Korean boy bands and why men take so long to get ready to go out :) :) lol

It takes a while to figure this sh!t out, because its so... .  un-Mom. Does it make sense?

vivgood 

Awesome work! I totally get it! It is always a catch 22 when making appointments or even giving advice because it can easily come back to bite us.  Our loved ones need to learn that they are responsible.  Very inspiring.  I only just got this one recently myself. I'm trying to stop intervening or giving advice.  It is hard to live by but actually works. |iiii

Makes perfectly good sense Vivgood!

Thanks

Vivgood,

what a wonderful explanation and its so true too.

bump