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I think I am finally getting back to the me my wife met and decided to marry... .  out of the blue... .  I wanted to text my exBPD/NPD gf/fiance and ask her if she wanted to join me for a glass of wine... .  she would know what that meant!... .  but I didn't... .  a much uglier face appeared in my head of her... .  the one that hit me, the raging maniac... .  I saw the not cutsie, sultry voiced, woman she could put on!  I didn't have to force it ... .  it came to me.

As my mind starts to clear, and I heal from the pain of loosing my wife, I am seeing things not as they appear/how I want them to be, but rather as they are... .  finally!

I posted these 2 posts on my Facebook to let everyone know I am back!... .  

FIRST POST: I've had a little time to reflect on the events in my life after Sandie's passing as my mind seems to be much much clearer these days... .  I remember telling my boys "Life ain't fair"... .  I now know it in spades! The old adage... .  you don't know what you got till its gone... .  Well... . I always knew I was married to the most loving, caring, selfless woman! But I now realize just how beautiful she was/is and how Lucky/Fortunate I was after my first time out of the box in the world of relationships. I can't imagine being a young man in this brave new world searching for the Love of His Life! Lesson Learned - Nothing is as it appears/seems... .  especially if it seems Too Good to be True... .  it more than likely is. Due your due diligence if you feel in your gut something ain't right... .  investigate Yellow Flags because they more than likely are Red Flags. Semper Mecum... .  Numquam Periit Amor!

SECOND POST: More ramblings from an extremely grateful fortunate man... .  I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who has been there for me over the past 3 years. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies... .  It's a Wonderful Life"... . quote from Clarence (Sandra) the angel... .  "No man is a failure who has friends--and I'm adding Family! Somebody up there likes me... .  and I will never forget it!

Here is but 2 comments back from family... .  one cousin who is an ACOA like me(we got through it together as kids) and my cousins husband... .

MY COUSIN: "well said my man... .  why is the path to true wisdom, true love and true happiness so tough? Only God knows but you are a man of wisdom and the love you had others may never experience... .  People admire and respect you, take comfort and be well bud... .  wishing you some new found happiness too!... .  J

COUSINS HUSBAND: "I love you, Brother, see you soon"

This is from my sister who was tremendous comfort and strength for me while my wife was in Hospice... .  

SISTER: "You've made it through a very challenging experience. Through all the sorrow, pain & tears you have the realization of just how strong you are. You don't have the life you dreamed of but you still can dream, live & laugh. You have amazing boys, friends & family who are there to help you whether through guidance, listening or enjoying God's beauty. And then of course there's ME! Only ten more days before you get here & only twelve more 'til Crosby, Stills & Nash! Plus XXXX put in for time off & he & XXXXX will meet is in Biloxi. Can hardly wait! See you soon!

So I am truly a fortunate man to have been loved by a caring, selfless woman for 32 years, to have terrific family and friends.

So as Clarence put it from the movie "Its a Wonderful Life"... .  No Man is Alone who has Friends... .  and family.  I am totally convinced that my wife watches over me... .  she was the voice in the back of my head telling me to investigate the suspicious behaviors/lies and deceit... .  Somebody Up there Likes Me!... .  and I am grateful!

What has worked for me... .  Family... .  Friends... .  and a little help from UPSTAIRS!