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why does my mother always encourage me to stay friends with people who are abusive or toxic? I had a so-called friend who was verbally abusive, and after awhile I got sick of her jealous put downs so I cut off contact with her. Mom knows why we aren't in touch anymore, but still she'll encourage me to call this friend and hang out with her... .  she'll act like the awful put downs were not a big deal. she did this with a few other toxic relationships/friendships I had in the past.

I even had someone who was harassing me and she tried to encourage me to be friends with the harasser. She also told me that what the harasser was doing wasn't a big deal... . is this part of the illness of BPD?

My father would do the same thing. I believe he felt empathy for people who were sick - didn't want them to feel abandoned so encouraged me to stick with them. Its signifies his own abandonment issues.

He did this with my BPDex - supported him more than me - however I now believe its because he seemed to understand my ex more than I did.

Hi Kharma  

Could it be that your mother likes to see you hurting? I have an uBPD mom & sis and I've noticed some sadistic traits in them. They love hurting people and it seems they also love seeing people hurting, even when they are not the cause of the hurt. They'd try to feel better about themselves by making me feel worse about myself. To me your mother bringing these people up all the time is hurtful in two ways, it keeps reminding you of the bad way you were treated and also makes you feel like your mother doesn't care about how you were hurt and actually wants the hurting to continue.

Yeah my mom did this too.  I had a really awful first boyfriend and she constantly defended him and covered for him and seemed just thrilled to actively participate in the cruel mind games he was playing with me.  I think she saw a kindred spirit in him... .       So glad to have them both out of my life... .  

I cut my Mother-in-law out of my life.  Until I learned that Mom probably has BPD, I could not for the life of me understand why she wasn't supportive.  My Mom had TERRIBLE in-laws, worse than mine.  My in-laws were not mentally ill, but they were not very nice people, kind of like vampires. My in-laws are dead now, so no more worries about them.

When I learned about BPD, I realized that Mom was probably afraid that if I had the guts to cut MIL off, that she might be next.  And according to all of the things that I have read, the main thing behind BPD is fear of abondonment.

The only way that I can abandon my Mom, I'm afraid, is that if she's the only living relative on that side of my family.  She's and golden sister are pretty much a package deal if I'm to have a relationship with my Dad and with my darling nephews.  Like the option package you get with the car that has some things you don't want, but it comes with the other things you do want.  She probably knows it, but I'm not telling her that or she'll make herself even more of a gatekeeper.

Interesting. I think that perfectly explains her behavior. Not only does she encourage me to stay with friends who are toxic but she even takes their side with the abuse, which is even more emotionally distressing for me.

When I think about it why would someone who abuses me, want to see me in happy, healthy relationships with other people? It wouldn't make sense. Thanks you gave me a much better perspective on this issue