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what tools would you reccomend  for being confident without being arrogant?

I am going to have to move on taking custody of the chidren if things dont start moving to where my wife will want to start working on building instead of distroying our marraige. She has a history of several hospitalizations for mania, so its a given I will get custody.

Can you provide an example vboy?

Have you worked with boundaries to protect yourself?

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0)

Hi Clearmind,

An example would be, that I am going for full custody of the children if my wife wants to stay her course of denial, blaming me and divorce. I can get full custody as she has a documented history of multiple hospitalizations by force and she has been a danger to herself and the children. I am about to present this new stance and I am absolutely committed to my position. Shape up or ship out without the kids. I don't want to do this from anger or arrogance. Rather as a matter of fact.  I am sorry that this is going to hurt, but my wife can't seem to grasp the consequences of her unfounded position. I won't fight her imagination, I am just going forward by making a firm decision and doing what I need to do to make it happen. My door is open to working on our marriage at anytime during this process, but I cannot and will not continue letting her illness control things. All her rants accusations are nothing but hot air, so I have nothing to be concerned about there. There is not much I have to say since her history speaks for itself. I'm moving on to level three here until further notice.

vboy, I'm not a 100% sure what sort of tools you are after however, given this is the staying board, the lessons in the link I provided will certainly help you if you wish to make things better.

From what you have written is your concern maybe more of a legal one - wanting to leave with the kids?

What do you do when she accuses you?

She is projecting on me. Accusing me of what she does to me. The usual BPD projection of blaming me for it all. Everything was fine until about a month and half ago. She found a "cure" for her Bipolar 1 illness. Something called Turehope. These people prey on people like her. Now she is off her meds and acting up, I give her a few more months before for a full manic episode. I have been here before many times. Just this time she is taking things too far and I am sick of it. I am willing to stay in as long as she will get out of her denial and back on the program. But I don't think she will. So I have no choice but to take custody and move on. I wish things were different, but they aren't.

In the lessons that Clearmind linked to you will find communication tools:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

I would suggest using SET or DEARMAN to tell your wife what needs to happen. Those communication techniques are meant to validate the person you are speaking with while, at the same time, getting your point across clearly. The idea is to prevent escalation and to be heard. Is this what you were looking for?

That's just what I was looking for. Thank you!

 |iiii

Good luck!