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I walked out with no intention of returning until certain things were resolved and if that wasn't happening I was planning not to return.  He got angry and I stayed calm.  pulled every trump card he had~~even the "I'm having a stroke/heart attack/whatever, it's gunna kill me and if it doesn't you have to promise not to call 911" routine.  I told him I was concerned, but would not be able to be home with him right now... .  I've got to be elsewhere for training for my job and it's not practical for me to spend money I don't have traveling back and forth (he can't argue with that) 

Anyway... .  he mentioned several times about us getting married, but every time he's talked about it, he's acted like he's having a stroke!  He stutters and can't remember words and rubs his forehead and well... .  you get the picture.  I'm pretty sure it's an act, but I won't say that.   I don't know why he's doing this.  I've kind of blown off any plans for marriage that he's brought up.  He mentioned me having the 22nd of June off and I said "yeah... .  we can howl at the moon and dance to moon songs" but never mentioned getting married... .  he keeps bringing it up and I pretty much could care less.  If we do, fine... .  if we don't fine.  I think that may be upsetting him, but really... .  I don't care~~life goes on.  I'm not sure if he's wanting this because I don't really care or if he still thinks that's what I want or if he thinks he can control me if we're married (that's what he said I wanted to marry him for) or what.  I should let him know that if he decides he wants to marry, he'll never get a divorce from me so it best be what he really wants.

I don't blame you for laughing.  Some of the stuff is so transparent that you wonder if they are trying to fool you or fool themselves. 

Not everything about BPD should be dealt with solemnly.  Sometimes, you just have to chuckle to yourself about the madness.

Indeed!  I still think he's got something up his sleeve, but I've got bigger fish to fry... .  I need to make my way in this world just in case he decides that it's over or he really does kack over!  Oh lordy... .  does that sound cold?

 :)

Nope! It sounds practical and realistic and healthy! :)

Rocky,

When I came to these boards this winter, I was reading your posts, and you were really committed to your relationship. And, at that time, so was I. All I wanted to do was to make my dBPDgf happy. I kept up with each of her ridiculous demands. And now, just like you, I also don't care. When I took a step back, and analyzed all of the madness from a distance, I couldn't help but just gasp at how insane that whirlpool was... .

Do I miss her? Yes, its very painful at times. But I don't miss living in constant fear of being punished by her for absolutely nothing. I don't miss all that blaming, and yelling, and threats. I don't miss that at all. I've had enough... . And that's why I don't care... .

I think we're going through a similar experience. I think its healthy. I feel healthier now that I chose to not live in constant fear... . It feels great :)

cska~~I'm still committed to the relationship if there really is a relationship.  I'm so amused by his melodramatic display of illness and being on the threshold of death's door because he's used that one in the past.  I found out through a friend that his last ex-wife re-entered the picture when he had his last "stroke" which not a stroke at all.  Yes, he has health issues and because he's spent the last several months partying like a frat boy and stressing too much, he's gotten himself into a state of panic.  This could effect his heart/health but it's self induced. 

That's not why I'm giving our relationship a chance, but I don't think he has a clue.  I'm not cold hearted, but I certainly don't think he's about to die and wouldn't go back into a relationship for that reason alone.  The real reason I'm going to give this another shot is because he had that moment of clarity and apologized for taking his anger at himself out on me.  I just have to figure out how to tell him that without sounding like an ice queen.  I do care about his health, but he's not taking care of himself and that's not something I'm responsible for. 

The fact is that I've recognized my limitations and am only dealing with the things I can and am willing to deal with unlike my former self who wanted to deal with everything.  I'm not going to take on his "stuff" and that's just the way it's going to be.  He always spews this crap about not needing anyone, always taking care of himself, blah, blah, etc, etc.  I'll let him do just that.  I have a better understanding of what is a healthy division of his "stuff" and my "stuff."  I would hope that he is happy with me in his life, but I'm not responsible for making it so.

Saying that I don't care isn't as cold as I'd thought it at first.  I really do care about him and our relationship.  I do want this to work out, but I know that I'm not going to die or fall apart if it doesn't happen.  I'm not being apathetic, just realistic.  I don't feel that I will have failed if the relationship fails.  It takes 2 and I'm just me.  It will be a total drag to have to move, but I've done it before and I can do it again.  I did have moments where I thought of the (possible) embarrassment of having to tell people that we've split up (that hasn't happened and it was all of my icky feelings surfacing) but then I realized that if it does happen, I don't owe anyone any explanation.  I don't have to be embarrassed.  They can think what they want and it isn't going to kill me.  Those who know the situation will understand and those who don't are going to think what they want anyway... .  they fill in the blanks with their own version anyway.

All of this actually feels good.  I'd be very sad if this ends and we move in different directions, but I will make it just fine and he'll be however he will be and although I wish him well, I've no control over how he lives his life.