BPDFamily.com

my ex pretends I don't exist and it hurts.  not that I go anywhere he is (although I know where he will be 4 days a week, so I could if I want to).  but I used to always support his side career as an artist.  he's having his first big art show, and guess who's not invited?  he even incorporated the ideas I gave him into his paintings, and made the same painting he made for me for his old f*** buddy girl (adding all the ideas I gave him into her painting). 

when will I feel better?  It's killing me that we're not together.  and won't ever be again. unlike a lot of people here, I know my ex won't recycle me.  once he splits you black, you stay black.  at least that's what he did to the two before me.  now it's me that's split black.

when we started dating and it was so good (it was good the whole 8 months, till he broke it off and cut me out)  I felt like this was the reward from the Universe for all the sh** I've been through.  all the years of being alone or in the wrong relationships.  all the years of loneliness, or not being with the right person.  getting cheated out of a huge amount of money by my brother, having physical problems, etc.  i guess i thought he was the cosmic payoff, a gift from the Universe for having worked on myself, gone to therapy, faced my issues, etc.  now there is no gift in life, just back to being alone.

for me, it was having something beautiful snatched away.  if he was mean or abusive why would I want him?  but he was so much of what I wanted in a person, in a relationship. 

if I could only have been perfect - never had a jealous moment, or a moment of conflict.  never had a misunderstanding, then we'd still be together.  but who can do that?  is there anyone?  we had so much good stuff, I thought the glue was strong.  I thought whatever conflict was minimal - maybe I was wrong.  maybe he was saving up the hurts and then flipped the switch.

my god, i've seen couples who didn't have half as much compatibility, chemistry or fun as we did stay together through massive conflict.  couples who really fought, or said terrible things to each other, or were spiteful.  and they're still together. 

can't stop blaming myself for whenever I was hard to take.  I know i can be a broken record, but I'm not malicious, destructive, a liar or a cheat.  I always apologize when I'm wrong.  it's like 80% of the time I was a super girlfriend, and maybe 20% of the time I was a complainer, or not in a great mood, etc. 

maybe it is all me.  maybe i don't see myself.  maybe i was horrible, and he couldn't take it.  but i also know I was wonderful.  I was good to him, helped him at every turn, loved him, encouraged him, cooked for him, was affectionate and sexual with him, laughed with him, had inside jokes with him, appreciated the hell out of him, thanked him for everything (even the smallest thing) was faithful to him... .  

he would tell me all the time he thought i was wonderful.  that I was gods' gift to him.  call me his earth angel.  3 days before he was looking to break up with me he told me he had never dated anyone as supportive as me before in his life, and how much he appreciates me in his life.  Then we had a fight the next night, i apologized, we made up, hung out, ate dinner, he slept over... .  all is good. tells me the next day he loves me three times, then the day after that wants to break up.

i dont' know if i'll ever forgive myself for whatever mistakes i made on my side of the relationship.  i feel like this was the love of my life, who I waited 16 years for.  16 years of either being in bad relationships, or celibate and alone for years.  i feel like this was my one chance at happiness, and somehow i screwed it up.

leftbehind, its tough no doubt.

How was this relationship really for you? Remove the emotion for a moment and look at the facts. List them.

Thanks for responding, Clearmind.  Okay, here come the Pro and Con list... .  

Pro: same spiritual beliefs

       great sex

       tons of fun

       laughing together

       generous with one another

       affectionate and caring

       he took care of me when I was sick

       we took turns cooking for each other

       we supported each others' business goals

       daily contact

       consistency

       we were crazy about each other.

       we could be goofy and silly with one another

Con:  last two months... .  

        he started to "dissociate" (at least that's what I thought - he was ungrounded, spacey, would act like a little kid, would always say "I'm on another planet right now!" would even talk & look different at times)

        he didn't initiate sex as frequently as I would have liked (told me he goes through periods of feeling asexual)

        triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) of sorts with a common platonic friend of ours (in my opinion)

         he started overindulging in alcohol

         I thought he was a flirt during our whole relationship - he would tell me he's just a friendly goofball.  But it caused fights when I felt he was flirting with salesgirls, etc.  They would react by smiling, blushing, laughing, and looking coyly at him, and it would drive me crazy.

                 

  Breakup:  broke up with me abruptly by email after months of telling me he loved me.  (the day before he told me he loved me three times)

         gave very little explanation, & expected me to be fine with that.

         was completely detached and unemotional when I confronted him the day he sent the break up email (even though I was crying hysterically.  He wouldn't even put his arm around me or hug me)

         cut me out of his life, except for one post breakup email that said "Hope you're doing good!"  (I never answered)

       

It was actually pretty great, with very little drama.  I would get upset when I thought he was distant.  But we always saw each other regularly and communicated daily.  Until one day he decided that he "had a spiritual shift" and we were no longer a couple.  Once he made his decision, he didn't have time or concern for what my emotional reaction was.  If I hadn't driven up to his house 40 minutes after getting his breakup email, I don't think we would have ever spoken or saw each other again.

That's why it's so hard to let go, and why I keep blaming myself.  Because it was really, really good (not perfect) all the way up to the very end.  And then he was just gone.

The way I see it.

A good indication of a healthy, lasting relationship is how each of you move through the not so good times. When things are not great, the healthy way to relate is to stay present, listen to one another with respect, not dissociate and blame shift, be consistent, not abuse substances to cope and most importantly - trust one another.

It takes time to understand a person fully - you were together 8 months. We need to be mindful that people will cycle through good and bad times. You cannot really determine if a relationship is going to be long lasting until you cycle through some bad times.

So at 8 months you guys hit a snag. Can you see how poorly he handled it? He ran, instead of treating the relationship, not just you with the respect it required. He could not sustain it - his disorder took over - its not your fault.

There is a reason you blame yourself!

Going back to your new members post leftbehind - there were some things you listed then that are huge flags:


Is there a reason you did not question these things? Do you need to be love - need to be needed? These are challenging questions I agree however they are also ones we need to start asking ourselves.

Looking back, I realize a lot of it was the fact that I got to know and love him as a friend for three years first.  So I didn't think it was strange that he would tell me he loved me so quick - he had known me in different ways for a long time.

I definitely needed to be loved, and loved to be needed.  But I received a whole lot in the relationship as well.

It was partly because we both have some unique "New Age" beliefs that I thought it was possible that we were soulmates.  I had been doing a lot of inner work to bring in my soulmate for quite some time, working with the Law of Attraction,  Vision board, etc... .  so I thought everything I had been putting out energetically for the past two years was finally coming true!

Even my friends saw how crazy he was about me.  People would comment on how much he loved me, and how they could tell I was in love.

But you are absolutely right.  At the point that I thought we hit a couple of snags, and that the snags would be worked through and resolved, he left in a very abrupt and impulsive manner.  My way of working through the snags was to communicate with him, but sometimes in too direct or blunt a way.  His response was to withdraw.  We would always make up quickly, because when I realized I was overreacting I would become self aware and apologize.  Then I would do whatever I needed to do on my own time to release whatever the negative thought or emotion was that caused me to overreact.  For example, if I acted jealous and realized I was being ridiculous, I would cool down, apologize, and then work on my insecurities the next day to clear the root issue.  

The messed up thing is that my issues were coming up and causing problems,  (Not in an abusive or over the top way, but maybe it felt like that to him?)  but I was working them through as they came up.  I started to read a very good book on jealousy and realized I was being controlling.  As soon as the light bulb went on, it stopped being such an issue for me and I was able to let go of jealous feelings without having to express them to him.  I felt like my issues were coming up to be healed, and I felt they were being healed.  I felt like we were right on the verge of the next stage of intimacy, where I was really ready to fully trust.  

So I blame myself because I know my issues definitely contributed to him not wanting to be with me anymore.  But I also know that I was moving past those snags and healing them.  He would always say to me whenever I owned up to acting out of my insecurities, that "you're just releasing this stuff.  In a couple of months it won't even be an issue anymore."

The irony is that I was getting there, and then we had one final fight (which I took responsibility for and apologized) and then he was gone.  No discussion, no warning, just completely gone.  And he acted as if he was so completely over me that it's hard to believe he ever loved me at all.    I still keep thinking it's all a big misunderstanding.  But he's moved on.

A healthy partner allows their partner the space to right themselves when they fall not break them.

Walking on eggshells is exactly what you describe - knowing you have issues, actively worked on them to better the relationship - you did great leftbehind. It's a shame your ex did not have the fortnight to do the same. You over compensated and over accommodated - it's not fail safe. You cannot hold a relationship together on your own. How can it be your fault? What else could you have done? What's your responsibility and what's his?

Can you see where I'm headed with all this. This relationship was not healthy. It was one sided. You worked hard and he didn't acknowledge it. This is not your fault. It takes two - not one self aware person pulling a 100% of the load.

I'd have to agree with some of the feedback you already received. You cannot blame yourself for loving someone and trying your hardest to be a good person in the relationship. People show us who they are. You are fortunate that you did not sacrifice more time, perhaps many years, of your life with a partner who could not appreciate you.

The right person is there, but you must be healthy enough to recognize and receive them!  My problem is that I am not healthy enough myself to participate in a truly healthy relationship. I'm working on my own self and relationship now, but my partner is very unhealthy and also mentally ill, so we have a lot to overcome. My hope is that we can renew our relationship in a healthier way, but it may not come to pass. It does take two to tango... .  

LeftBehind:

Once again, I could have written practically every word in your initial post.  Yes, it felt like this happiness was some sort of cosmic reward for all the long years enduring bad relationships, growing, realizing they needed to end, being alone.  I'd been alone for 5 years when we got together.  Like you, I'd known him for years, thought I knew him well -- it did not seem crazy when we took that feeling for one another to another level, that it moved quickly and seemed really special.  Like you, it was all good until it ended, so it doesn't work to appreciate that the bad things are over -- there weren't any bad things.  "I feel like this was my one chance at happiness, and somehow I screwed it up."  Me too -- even though, having read so much on these boards, I can assure you that had the r/s continued, it would have brought much unhappiness.

The idea that you somehow were the cause of the loss is super hard to deal with.  I know -- I was out walking dogs just before reading your posts with tears running down my cheeks from the wish that I had just more unequivocally embraced him when he wanted to get back together, and not asked him to address his issues with staying with relationships.  The idea that he has some kind of problem attaching to people is intolerable to him.  He simply cannot go there.  And when I introduced that as part of how we could come back together in a stronger way, his feelings went all sideways again.  So there is this treacherous impulse in me to regret the request I made -- that he figure out why he'd abandoned me before and how it wouldn't happen again -- because that request seems to have cost me the r/s.  Just as you are regretting some very ordinary processing of small hurts that any r/s should be able to tolerate.

Of course, if their feelings for us were that delicate, if it wasn't those particular issues and tensions, it would have been something else.  Eventually everyone disappoints everyone.  The question is whether people can take responsibility, engage in self-scrutiny, improve and forgive.  My pwBPD cannot.  No matter what, at some point, that was going to mess up his feelings for me and therefore my ability to trust in him and our r/s.

This is as sad as can be, yes, because of that snatched away feeling.  But I can see on your behalf what I have a hard time seeing for myself: it's a fallacy to think that if you just hadn't had that one fight ... .  if you'd just said some different words ... .  it could have gone along happily.  Two human beings in relationship to one another are going to be an imperfect match.  The r/s has to be able to withstand that.

I'm sorry you're hurting leftbehind.  You are very hard on yourself, which I recognize because I've been there.  It took a while for me to accept that hey, I'm not perfect, but I did give it 100% with my heart in the right place, and that was good enough, it has to be good enough, it will be more than enough with the right person, but never enough for the half-a-person BPD.  Something I read on these boards describing the disorder was 'it's impossible to appear as a self-directed person while taking cues and mirroring another self directed partner.'  That helped a lot; of course we weren't enough when we had to be all of ourselves and half of them, to fill in their blanks.  It's impossible.  It wasn't an level playing field, and a BPD isn't capable of bringing what we do to the relationship.  Not good news I realize, but here's hoping you continue healing.

Hey LB!

I know this is hurting you, and I'm sorry that you and anybody else would ever have to feel this way.

You have a lot of support here, and a place to air your feelings. You've been given so much good information, and still doubt yourself, wish you could have been "perfect" as you say. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful, compassionate, loving person, it shows through your writing. However, you are not, nor will you ever be perfect. Here's where we get stuck in these relationships with pwBPD, believing that our thinking was twisted, that we have to change our realities, become different than who we are to suit someone else's needs, whom BTW, could never be satisfied. No, we are not perfect, and the crux of the problem is a mental illness, that doesn't relent, that takes hold of them and us if we let it. Fortunately, for us , we have recognized it and have jumped ship save ourselves !

You have a full life ahead of you. Happiness does not come from someone else, it comes from within yourself. You can have it when you accept responsibility for what is truly yours, and accept that your ex is ill, and isn't going to get better, with or without you.

Is there anything you need hear in the form of support or validation that would help you in your healing? My T said a handful of things that shook me to the core, and stopped me dead in my tracks. It was a true turning point for me!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Thanks to everyone for their support and responses.  I really appreciate it.  It took me so long to respond because it is truly hard for me to stop blaming myself for the times when I was unloving, or petty, or childish.  This is something I need to work on in therapy, because I realize this pattern is a really old one.  It goes so deep. 


This is all so true, and yet I still haven't been able to forgive myself for that last fight.  I guess it's the belief that if everything's my fault, then that must mean I can fix it.  Forgiving myself and letting this all go means it's really gone - he's really gone, and I can't go back in time and fix any of it.  I think that's what's really behind my compulsion to blame myself.  It keeps my brain fixated on what I can change (even though it's too late and the moment has passed) instead of moving forward to accepting that he is gone and there is no more fixing anything with him.

Does that make sense?  How does one forgive themselves when they know they were also part of the problem? 

and even now, I feel like calling him up to try and have a conversation with him.  as if one good conversation will clear up any misunderstanding and we will be fine again.  except that most likely he's with someone else, or for sure wouldn't pick up the phone or call me back, and I would rip open the wound again.  maybe he would even tell people I was stalking him (haven't called him once since the week after the breakup:  7 weeks now).  most likely he will be annoyed that I was calling, or behave cowardly and not respond. 

but when will this urge to call/see him go away?  I have to fight it on an almost daily basis.

Leftbehind, it is very difficult not to hold yourself accountable for those times you did little things you wished you hadn't. Those are the same things that keep me holding on to the blame too but as my T keeps trying to remind me, I contributed to some of the feelings but I am not to blame for the illness.

I can hold myself accountable for those times I was unloving, petty and childish and accept responsibility BUT the outcome would always be the same because that's what happens. Even if I hadn't been all of those things, it wouldn't have changed anything and that is what you have to accept.

Even in a healthy relationship, those things do occur but you hold your hands up, say you were out of line, move on and learn from it. With a pwBPD, they hold you accountable for their reaction and then you hold on to the guilt of how they are feeling.

Because of who we are, we will always be part of the problem because we were involved in the relationship. The key is not to hold on to the guilt that you allowed yourself to carry, accept your responses and the fact that the outcome would always have been the same and forgive yourself by learning and growing from the experience.

Thanks Murbay

So the way I'm understanding BPD persons, is they attach too quickly, looking for the perfect fantasy girl or guy that will never hurt, betray or abandon them.  They are seductive in luring the other person into their fantasy that this relationship is special, different, a soul connection, etc.  They can do this because they believe it themselves, as that's part of the disorder. 

Then when the relationship becomes too real, too intimate, or disappoints they either begin to devalue the other person, or in my case suddenly pull away.  At this point they are convinced that they merely picked the wrong person, and that they will get it right with the next one.  So they move on quickly and without any remorse or regard for the damage they caused to their SO, and begin the process with the new person.

And they do all this because their brain got traumatized at a young age when they were supposed to be forming healthy and secure attachment.  It's like any other trauma - it freezes you in time at a certain age and stage of development. 

Do I have this right?  So there would have been no way I could have made this relationship work?  Because no matter what, even if I was perfect, eventually the very intimacy itself would have triggered the second half of the arc - the pulling away?

And he won't magically live happily ever after with the girl after me?  And it's not a rejection of me, but rather this disorder playing itself out in our relationship?  (Just like it did in the last two relationships he had before me, that I know ended in ruins for the women involved.)

Am I missing anything important?

I think you summed it up very well LeftBehind.

The only way you would have possibly made anything work is to give up everything you are and constantly run around in that fantasy world. Even then it is prone to failure because someone with BPD is a bottomless pit so as things change in their heads, you are expected to know and change with it before they even have a chance to realise. It is a constant test that is always going to be a lose-lose situation.

In the case of my ex, she decided overnight that we were getting divorced because we love each other. Things hadn't been perfect for the past few years and she was on long term sick due to a back injury but her thinking came from the fact that 3 years ago, I was 4 weeks late in moving countries and the fact I also challenged that things were moving too quickly. It triggered her abandonment issues and she held on to that resentment for 3 years. Nothing I ever did was going to make up for the fact she had triggered 3 years prior.

We develop issues in ourselves because of the endless cycle and we get too emotionally tangled or we reach the stage of simply wanting to help but living in despair because we don't know what else we can do.

Who is to say that the girl after you doesn't give up the person she is and it lasts longer. It's a guarantee that she won't be happy and you can be thankful that you have your emotional health back and looking to a happier future.

It's not that they failed to form healthy, secure attachments at a young age, it's that they didn't detach from someone, probably their mother.  Imagine you're lying in your crib as an infant, and your mother leaves the room, you have no idea if she's coming back or not, and up to that point, when you were inside her and right after you were born, you could not distinguish between her and you, there were no boundaries between where you stop and she starts, you were not yet an autonomous individual.  Well, when she leaves the room and you're now aware enough to question whether or not she will ever come back, an abandonment terror sets in, followed by a depression.  Healthy people all go through this, and it's a necessary part of developing ego boundaries and becoming a 'self', separate from others.  Borderline folks never go through that, the abandonment terror is too great for them, so they become stuck as a partially formed self, who absolutely must, matter of life or death, attach to someone, to become whole.  And then the mirroring they do gives the impression of a self-directed individual, but it's a fiction, it's just a reflection of whomever they're mirroring, but they get extremely good at it, since it is life or death to them.  And they still can't go through that abandonment terror, which is why abandonment is their biggest fear.

Maybe some of that fits in your case?

Thank you heeltoheal, your first sentence makes a lot of sense in my case. My ex is 32 years old and still lives with her parents. It was part of the issue I had with the marriage, suddenly being thrust into the role of another child in a household and I allowed myself to stay in that dynamic because I loved my wife. It was clear that she has not yet detatched from her parents because they feed her fantasy world.

It was what my T initially told me I had to do if I was going to stay and substitute myself as the role of the mother. The only issue was that since the mother was a constant in our lives, she didn't take too kindly to being pushed aside and there started a battle of control. My wife would always chose the mother over me since she had been the constant for 32 years.

However, I think leftbehind has the majority summed up. I'm also assuming based on what you have said, that is where the painting black comes from. That way they don't have to deal with the abandonment and can place the blame squarely where it shouldn't be placed, anywhere except them.

The failure to go through the abandonment terror and self-actualize doesn't necessarily mean they are permanently connected to their mother, although some people, BPD's and not, still are, it means the way they are wired requires that they attach to someone to become whole, not in a 'you complete me' Jerry McGuire way, but as an individual; they simply are not a 'self' without another.  Hard to get your head around.

Regarding painting black, it's not about blame, because even if they blame someone for abandoning them, they still got abandoned.  It's about shame, and the inability to own it, so they project it on someone else, painting them black.

LeftBehind, I swear you are my alter ego.  Your reaction to all of this is really identical to mine.  At about two months out I was crawling out of my skin wanting to drive over to his place, ring the bell and just insist that this ridiculousness end, as we were so great together and the problems could totally be addressed and such a connection is rare in life and we could not allow it to just be tossed overboard ... .  

I think if I had, it would have been yet another chance for him to tell me no.  Since I didn't, and in fact (after two weeks of dignified begging) I accepted his decision and told him we didn't need to talk about it anymore ... .  he ended up projecting that somehow the whole thing was my decision and that I had been unwilling to talk.  But when we did talk, and he asked about reuniting, and I said yes ... .  it didn't take long for him to change his mind again.  It seemed to mostly be a control problem for him.  It was OK for me to want him and for him to say no, but not OK for him to want me and have the impression I would say no.

Your explanation of how BPD operates is what forecloses any happy outcome from any call or visit you might make, unfortunately.  BPD is a test no one can pass, because ultimately you cannot be trusted and you become a threat or an enemy, not just despite your good performance, but because of it.  The more important you become to them the more serious a threat you are.  Awful.  When I went back as "friends" I got a chance to play that out, and it really happened just like that.  I was damn near perfect.  :)oesn't matter -- indeed, the sweetness and specialness very clearly kept creating a crisis.

My ex and I were each others fantasy. This was not a one sided relationship - it took the two of us to create the dynamic. I needed him as much as he needed me.

I had abandoned issues which is the reason I attached to a Borderline and which was th reason he attached to me. So while we are looking at the attachment style of BPD its also good to look at your own attachment style and why you in fact did attach whilst being in the throes of being idealized.

Often partners of Borderlines also fear real intimacy and out of this fear tend to attach to emotionally unavailable partners.

The lonely child schema explained in more detail here From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0) is only one.

Check out which schema you may fall under: To find out what your Schemas are: go to the Young Schema Questionnaire (YSQ)  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/schema_inventory.xls

I agree clearmind; my lonely child schema created a loaded bond with my BPD ex, and it took two to tango.  Learning about the psychological workings of both have really helped me understand what happened, and what I need to look at and address in myself moving forward.

Left Behind:

It sounds like you are telling story of my life, before-during-after relationship. Isn't surprising how moving a r/s with BPD could be? Inspite of the red flags as clear mind mentions, r/s feels like the best thing that could ever happen.

Only difference in my story is that I decided to go NC for few months of recycling. We tried to be together but it didn't work and we would end up in arguments most of the time, hurting each other more. I havn't seen him or talked to him in last 12 days but believe me, I fight myself over the idea to call/text/email him. He respects my decision and hasn't troubled/followed me yet. But so I detestably want to know how he is doing. I miss spending time with him. 

I have trouble forgiving myself because as BPD he has trouble handling his emotions but I should have known better.

This forum and folks here have been really helpful in healing and motivating to see the reality (unlike the perceived reality as addicted likes us see). Hang in there and you will heal too. Be strong and above all, forgive and love yourself.