BPDFamily.com

I'm not sure if it was being so close to the bombings at The Boston Marathon, but my husband and I are considering changing our wills. We also have a couple of overseas trips planned this year. You never know.

We don't want to cut our daughter out but have some restraints on how quickly she can have access to any funds. I mentioned in an earlier post she cashed out a 401K for a vacation. We just feel a windfall will do her more harm than good.

Have any of you done anything this drastic? I broached the subject with one of our sons that he and his brother could oversee her share. He didn't like the idea.

Thoughts?

Margjo

margjo,

you can consult with an estate lawyer who and set up a trust and you can put conditions in the trust as how much and when she can receive  and when.

The trust manages the funds.

I feel BPD and money don't go together at all, given the level of impulsivity.

I noticed my dd uses money to show off to her friends and she ends up paying for her  friends  for everything (example buying flight tickets for them etc)

Even if they win the 600 million powerball by end of the year it will all be gone.

peaceandhope

"I noticed my dd uses money to show off to her friends and she ends up paying for her  friends  for everything (example buying flight tickets for them etc) "


peaceandhope,

My daughter is the same way.  I just wasn't sure if our thinking is too harsh, but I'm beginning to think it is something we have to do.

Thanks you for your thoughts on this.

Hi margjo,

I also think that the idea of a trust is wonderful - that way, you can make sure the money will be spent in a wiser way, that will benefit your dd better.

We need to learn to separate our thinking from theirs. I am still working on this. I find that my thoughts about what is wise sometimes clash with my knowledge of how my sd will perceive it... .  

Sure, your dd will be angry and feel like you are controlling even from beyond the grave. The question is: would you rather have her be angry and provided for on a longer-term basis, or would you have her happy for a short time and then destitute, and possibly causing grief to your other children?

My husband is a financial advisor and has worked wiyh several clients who need trusts for children that should not receive lump sums. You'll need an estate lawyer.

Definitely see an estate lawyer - they will be able to give you the best options for your situation. I would advise against making one/both of your other children responsible for her share. That isn't really fair to them and it's setting all your kids up to spend years feuding over money.

So very true!  So often, in parents quests to make decisions for their disordered child, the other siblings needs can be overlooked.

Thank you all for your great advice. Years ago we did our estate. I guess it would be wise to revisit. As she gets older her thinking seems to be more irrational.

Margjo

Great question - my first attorney did not understand anything about mental illness and said I could not

cut my BPDD out without causing much harm between her and her sister.

I do have a trust - but that only means they don't have to go to probate court

- someone has to be conservator of the trust - and

who will that be? Estate lawyer typically don't do that - they suggest "family friend" and I have no "family friends"

and my youngest daughter - same as your son - does not want do it.

So even if you have a trust - who's gonna manage it? Gotta find someone to do this and dish out payments

as you state to whom you state - right now I have my CPA playing that role temporarily.

In my state at least - the attorneys cannot or will not play the role of executor - you still have to find someone to do that.

Good luck and I'm happy to see someone else besides me is thinking of this now - I don't want to put this

on my youngest daughter if I pass  - yet I don't have a lot of choices right now - my husband died years ago -

it's just me now.

So relieved you survived Boston bombings - take care.

It's called a "Special Needs Trust".  And you need to work with a lawyer that is very familiar with this type of trust.  We have one for our BPDs.

When we are gone any money he inherits will go into the trust.  The trust is managed by a trustee (not his brother) and they will give him money for appropriate spending ie school, housing, allowance etc.

By having the money in a SNT it also protects the money in the event that your daughter is ever sued since the money is technically not in her name it is in the name of the trust so it is not considered her asset.

My ds knows that we set up the Trust for his protection and he is OK with it.

Thanks CHF,

I hope to take care of this soon. I think it needs to be done. I don't think my daughter will understand. After all the events in her life she does not see a problem.  I wish she could just look at her life and see something is not working correctly. I know it's not as easy as that.

Thanks.

Marrgjo

 

  I am in a similar situation,except neither my daughter(BPD?) nor son-in-law(ADHD) can manage money. My daughter has limited earning potential due to learning difficulties. She is 26, and I am seeing some signs of improvement. However, my son-in-law(age 37) has a big heart and lots of earning potential, but will probabily never figure it out. If he can put up with her, I feel she is better off married than running the streets. I hope to set up a trust for my daughter that will provide for her needs, but not let them squander everything. There's never a dull moment!