BPDFamily.com

I just read through this quiz:

www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm

This line jumped out at me: "I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted."

I have a hard time admitting my co-dependency because I am known at work and in my social life as a strong leader.  But my personal relationships have been so different than my public life.  I don't understand my own inconsistency in how I conduct myself in my career and how I conduct myself in my romantic relationships, but to be honest, now in my 30's I've never been in a romantic relationship that met my needs.  

When he's not disregulated, my BPDbf wants to meet my needs - but he's so unaware of them.  He doesn't hear me when I talk and doesn't understand most of what I say when he tries to listen.  Maybe I'm a poor communicator - maybe I choose only 'deaf' people to talk to about my inner needs.  

What about you - have you ever been in a really healthy relationship? Ever? Why are we all here in the bpdfamily forum talking mostly about our lovers?  What is it about us that we have in common - beyond BPD partners?

i am in the same boat, Coda for sure... .  yes, my pwBPD hurt me many times, with name calling, will emotional cheating, I mean it really hurt! and I am too afraid at times to hurt him and just end the relationship... .  go figure.

I totally understand your post, when i think of it, I myself, i really truly do no know what love is... .  its sad... .  I know there are alot of bad stuff I put up with, but if i was stronger I would have just walked away and ended things. I have been alone for times in my life with no relationship... .  so I always say that its not that I am lonely that I put up with it... .  maybe its comfortability, maybe its cuz he always says "cuz we love eachother, we need to stick together"

I am just venting now... .  posting on this board daily... .  

Please know you are not alone!

When I raise my needs, uBPDh accuses me of being selfish.  It is always about how little I care about his needs when he is so kind to me, so caring, etc.  But in fact he cares about me in the way he wants, he doesn't listen to how I want it, which means a lot of time his supposedly caring act makes me feel worse.  Worse still, I have to appreciate it or else he says I'm ungrateful as well!   Of course things are not the same the other way around.  When I do something, he doesn't care about my intention, and only the result- is it something he wanted?  He always tells me intention doesn't matter, only the result (of him being happy or not, and 99% of the time he's not).

I don't know if we're all weak to stay in such a relationship, or incredibly strong.  The 2 people in the world who knows my situation thinks that I'm strong because I try to make the marriage work.  Sometimes I think I'm incredibly stupid... .  but for me, I tend to think not of the "what ifs" and just focus on making it work now... .  

I agree that all of us are unhealthy for having chosen these relationships... .  I certainly have lots and lots of codependent behaviors and if I wasn't like this -- I would have left a long time ago.

But I also see that how I act toward my uBPDh actually changes the way that he acts towards me on a daily basis.  If I train him to need me (which is basically what I believe that codependency does) then he is weak towards me and I get treated like hell.  When I don't feed into it - it seems like we start to have a better life.  He helps around the house... .  verbal abuse is minimal... .  We still have hiccups when he's under stress (because he just doesn't know how to cope) but as long as I am acting strong then they don't last as long. 

Personally I have too much invested in my relationship to walk away now and I feel that while it isn't the easiest journey in the world... .  its mine.  My husband is high functioning (generally speaking) and as long as he's working he does well and we live normally... .  he also brings a lot of wonderful things to our relationship that I don't have and I love him dearly and even though his return love isn't perfect... .  he does have some ability to think of someone besides himself.

When you walk into the woods for 5 miles (which is me spending years treating him co-dependently and actually training him to need me in an unhealthy way)... .  I don't get to just turn around (start using the lessons) and be out of the woods.  I have to walk back 5 miles and I revert back to the old, bad behavior very quickly when under stress... .  so I just keep walking in the right direction and I hope to someday have a better life.  I have certainly seen quick changes just due to my change in behavior toward him.  Just seeing him as a strong man helps (he is very sensitive and when I believe then so does he). 

Well said and I completely agree with you, allibaba!