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Title: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice? Post by: tiff on May 19, 2013, 03:37:49 PM For those who have managed to hang on for a lot of years - what advice would you go back and give yourself years ago? Separate bank accounts? Don't have kids? What knowledge would have made your life easier?
Title: Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice? Post by: Vindi on May 19, 2013, 03:42:38 PM trust the red flags, and exit sooner... . don't let my codependency get in the way... . be stronger and truer to myself and not worry about what my uBPD bf thinks... . yes , I am going on 8 plus years and joined this wonderful site last year... . and no kids for us!
Title: Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice? Post by: VeryFree on May 19, 2013, 04:02:32 PM Maybe if I had known about BPD and could have worked together with my stbxBPDw on her issues and my issues, things would have been better, but I can never tell. Therefore, looking back at the past 10 years I would say: exit earlier, much earlier. And if exiting wasn't an option: - be as independent as possible (own bankaccounts, no splitting incomes, agreements in writing) - have a life besides the r/s (own friends, own things to do) - trust a few other people and share your stories - have an exiting-strategy - be prepared to leave and loose everything. Title: Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice? Post by: 4now on May 19, 2013, 06:37:36 PM Fabulous question!
I have said this to myself a hundred times, I would have put my foot down and would have drawn some really clear boundaries. Although, truthfully, this would have only saved me heart ache. It wouldn't have affected the outcome, I don't believe. I have been married 10+ years, only finding out about BPD within the last year. I look back now and think about when I should have walked away when it first got really bad. I would have started working on myself right away, instead of thinking "if I only do this or that" to save the relationship. I would have made myself a life and a livelihood so that I would be where I could just walk away right now. I would have let him deal with his stuff and not let him make it my stuff. I would have put my hope and faith in the one thing I can count on: ME! Title: Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice? Post by: arabella on May 19, 2013, 07:26:39 PM Ooh - interesting thread!
Background: together with dBPDh for 12+ years, married for 5+, still together, no kids Advice to former self: - research BPD and how to cope sooner rather than later - keep a separate bank account with emergency funds - pay attention to what professionals are telling pwBPD, don't assume every doctor is good at his/her job - work on codependency issues (this encompasses SO MUCH) - establish clear boundaries - make sure pwBPD's 'stuff' stays in his corner, don't try to fix or control it - stay far away from pwBPD's issues with his FOO - do not engage the FOOs (mine or his), it will just muddy the waters |