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why are conversations so god damned maddening with her?

im at home - with painters - while she is on vacation

she has been micromanaging the painters from about 800 miles away

she calls after they leave to ask how "i" like the paint... .  meanwhile she is texting the painter herself as we speak he is snapping photos to send her.

i have a really hard time lying or otherwise saying things that are not sincere

*at first* i caught myself about to say "you saw the pics the painter sent, what do you think?"

but then i thought *hmmm -dont dance around her. bc she will sense you non being sincere.  just b honest*  ((to what end mind you... .  being honest has never worked with her - she finds things to get unglued over))

so i tell her the trim looked a bit too dark on the trim - but is fine - these things aren't exact sciences... .  and really looks good all told.

that little comment above was unleashed the hell.

first it's my fault the trim is too dark.  then im supposed to ask the painter to do other odd jobs she has asked of them that they told me directly they didnt want to do.

then... .  she hung up on me

then denied having hung up on me

then wants to talk

i made excuses about fetching the dog outside

and that set her off

then she saw something in the photo about the flowers in the vegeatble garden and why are they there... .  

omg

it is this never ending circuitous dialogue that never ceases with her... .  maddening

any insight?

still stuck in trigger land here - where i feel utterly defeated; go silent; or get so utterly ticked off i have to shut down congo with her

whatisthetruth,

Welcome to the world of conversations with a pwBPD.  Like you, I have gone through so many of these conversations which are not only tiring but maddening.  I know how it feels.

If you feel that the conversation is going nowhere, then it's time to break the cycle.  If whatever you say seems to make them angry, then only validation should be used, as nothing could enter their ears at that moment.  Never try to argue with them using logic when they're dysregulated.  Like you, I can't lie and fake sincerity.

What I do (and I'm not saying it is the best way) is that, I don't go silent per se, as that will be a trigger as well, but try to keep my answers short and noncommital, like "hmmm."  "yeah.".  My pwBPD will not like that either, but at least it cannot be used against me, and also gives him some time to cool time.