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I still think of my BPD exgf everyday but I've been making more progress detaching recently. She called me tonight. It was the first time we've spoke on the phone in nearly a month. It was kind of sad. She's engaged and still has feelings for me. At one point she said she shouldn't be calling me and that she's trying to be good. She started to get choked up while saying all of this. It made me sad for her. Not so much that I'm not with her but that she probably is trying very hard to keep her relationship healthy. I see a person that just wants love but this illness is so strong. The fear of abandonment is so intense for her. Her dad abandoned the family when she was 16 or 17, which I think is the root for her BPD issues. This is the first time I've really seen her situation w/o a bias or anger towards her. I see her situation as if I never dated her and its tragic. She's a good person underneath it all but this BPD crap is ruining her life. I guess the positive is that I realized that I'm beginning to forgive her/detach... . but the sad part is that I now see a person who is in a lot of pain and might not have a remedy for it.

I think nearly all of us who had a relationship with a pwBPD could echo "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times".

Sadly, even when we felt elation with our partner, it was BPD driven. The way they made us feel god-like was addicting. It was the drug that kept us coming back for more, good or bad.

I'm glad you are starting to see things more clearly now, but I caution you to keep both eyes open should you continue to relate to her (which I do not suggest, by the way). She is engaged woman now. Just as you said, she wants love, and most likely her fiance adores her just like you did. Yet, she is keeping things alive with her ex (you). She might be succeeding in making you feel like she will love nobody else like you.

You are clearly detaching but I still see you are very vulnerable to getting tangled again in her web. Be careful.

CC

Once the fog lifted and I was able to process things without being distracted by the chaos, I, too, began seeing my ex differently. When it comes to relationships, she is very much a child trying to negotiate her way in an adult world. I could see it in her eyes, her face, the pouting, the temper tantrums.

I could also see the cycle of dysfunction. We weren't growing as a couple. We were stuck in the beginning stages. It was very frustrating for me. I wanted a partner, she needed a caretaker.

The ebb and flow of processing things.

I understand exactly how you're feeling.  It's been 3 months NC for me and I couldn't be more relieved that all the chaos is gone, but I feel so bad for him.  I know that more than anything, he wants a healthy, happy relationship and I know that he will never have that.  He believes that every relationship he has ever had has ended because the girls were "crazy".  I honestly don't think he has a clue that he's the problem and I don't think he will ever come to that realization and get some help.  Underneath all his problems, he can be an amazing person.  He hasn't tried to contact me but if he ever does, I will never make the mistake of getting sucked back in again.  However, I would love to see him get help and be able to have the healthy relationship with a wonderful person that he wants so desperately.

Detaching is the beginning of healing for you.  I, too, have felt compassion.  My ex, I think, envied his brother's 35 year happy marriage.  When he met me, he said "You are the woman I have looked for all my life.  I want to be together for the rest of our lives."  He was difficult at first, then got easier to get along with, then decided he needed "variety."  What a conflicted, mixed-up guy.  But good for you!  You will find more and more peace as you detach more and more.