BPDFamily.com

My H doesn't know he has BPD traits, but it is so clear to me now.

And a few days ago he told me this, "You're the best person for me.  I hate you."

And then I asked him, "If I'm the best for you, why do you hate me?" 

He just repeated, "I hate you."

So basically, I thought, most of the time he says he hates me it's because I'm selfish/ disrespectful/ take him for granted/ etc., but also being the best for him makes him hate me? 

So are we doomed?  Am I doomed to be the constant recepient of hate?

I don't believe we are doomed by anything the BPD says... .  mainly because it changes like the wind!  I was foolish enough to ask my bf if he truly believes that I'm all the horrible things he's called me or if I'm the most wonderful woman on earth (which he says often as well).  His response was "both~~that's your most endearing quality"    

Thanks Rockylove and I think you're right.  I kind of take everything he says with a pinch of salt now (ok, a very large pinch), which is also sad because when he praises me, which is rare already, I don't really believe it anymore.  But I suppose this is "mindfulness", isn't it- that we know most of the time we're in the middle, and we shouldn't be too caught up in their emotions.

I guess I was curious why both "me being good" and "me being bad" leads to the same conclusion that he hates me... .  

This is soo spot on!  While I was going through this, I would take his comments seriously - and because I am not all that masochistic, would "leave" the relationship immediately, which CONFUSED him greatly, because the negativity in HIS mind, was a way to CONNECT with me - by ratcheting up the emotional atmosphere to one of crisis.  I know now that he was trying to get me to defend myself and the resulting confrontation in HIS mind, would have had the result of bringing our emotional INTERaction into a stronger bond... .     Well, noo.  It just caused me to cut and run, which confused him even more and his disappointment then became transmuted into alarm and venom because he couldn't manipulate me.  Very very sad.

I suppose it's all part of the issue of being emotionally stuck in toddler mentality.  They can't make sense of their emotions and it all gets jumbled together.  My bf gets so overwhelmed with love for me that he'll cry and then push me away days later (find something horribly wrong with my character).  He seems to get so overwhelmed with his emotions and can't express them.  He often says that there are no words that he knows to describe how he feels about me... .  most likely because he doesn't understand the feelings himself.  It makes me sad for him.

Maybe it's because love requires giving, commitment, work, nurturing, emotions... .  

Hate is a full-stop - it requires no giving/only taking, it releases obligations of commitment and work and nurturing, and freedom from all emotions... .  

Love is a positive, hate is a negative - it is the nature of the pwBPD to find comfort in the negative. It's almost impossible to project positive energy when all the energy inside is negative.

Love is stable, hate is chaos - the pwBPD lives in constant chaos in their minds, so they project it to the outside as well

Love is growth, hate is destructive - how can someone who is hellbent on self-destruction try to grow something?

As within, so without... .  projecting

We provide them with positive stable growth, which is what the inner-child truly needs/wants - they may or may not have the capacity to respond to it, so they do what they have the capacity to do and react to us with what is going on inside them negative chaotic destruction.

It's not always love/hate - sometimes, most of the time, my pwBPDs has an enormous amount of love to give - and he expresses it by being giving and nurturing. It's those shining moments that keeps me hoping for the next one... .  But, unfortunately, when he creates chaos he makes it so big that it's hard to forget... .  

It sort of makes sense to me. Love is hard. It's a lot of work and it causes a lot of pain sometimes. PwBPD already suffer with their emotions, now we come along and 'make' them fall in love with us, which of course adds to their suffering. So they hate us. But they love us! My dBPDh has also expressed anger/frustration that I know him so well - he can't just lie to me and make everything better. He can't hide away. He can't just put on a new persona and have me go along with it. I won't buy into his acts the way friends, family, or coworkers will. So that's hard for him. He hates that. He also loves that I know him so well and still want to be with him. He also hates that I won't just 'save myself' from him (guilt - on noes!)

So, yes, it's like picking petals off a daisy.

This is common ground for BPD. Love-Hate. Google, BPD love hate and youll find lots of stuff on it. Including BPD people writing things about how they hate eveyone they love. The hate us for making them feel this way because it's painful for them to love, but hate. So some chose not to love at all. But that doesn't help either. Its almost like a romeo and juliet thing with two people who love each other but can't really be together. It depends on the severity of their condition with how much love they can or cannot tolerate. Not all are the same. BPD is a spectrum disorder, some more severe than others. Mine can hardly face me either Arabella, he knows I know him far to well and I don't think he can comfortably tolerated it!

"why do i love you so much? i hate you." is a common thing for my bf to say. 

also, one day, "you represent normalcy. you are so good at life.  i can see up getting married and being together forever."

next day, "there is something wrong with you. i can't bring you around my parents, or be around your parents. i have too much shame, about you and about me."

"how much time do you think we have?" (when he is sane and we are so connected--he knows he will dysregulate)

"why do i feel so good with you and then hate you so much?"

"if i just go be alone, and just go to work and don't interact with anyone else, i will be fine. at least i'll be able to function and not feel all this and get all off."

i thought it was easier to quote what he says... .  a lot... .  that is insightful.

i do think it's an intimacy disorder, and he/they hate feeling open, and feeling love--so they hate when it comes up.  it's painful for them, and if we are the cause, it makes sense they would hate us for it.

Rocky love always has a way with words! Excellent post and very true, don't take too much stock in verbalized emotions as they change on a dime. You know who you are, what you give, and that you are and can be loved. Yes the BPD in your life feels pain, chaos and negativity that is fear, so they aren't the best to go asking these questions, but we all do it don't we! We need confirmation for them that they are somewhat coherent even in their own mix of things so at different times you' ll get different answers  lol take it with a grain of salt.

Also brilliantly written is what  rain dancer wrote:

"Maybe it's because love requires giving, commitment, work, nurturing, emotions... .  

Hate is a full-stop - it requires no giving/only taking, it releases obligations of commitment and work and nurturing, and freedom from all emotions... .  

Love is a positive, hate is a negative - it is the nature of the pwBPD to find comfort in the negative. It's almost impossible to project positive energy when all the energy inside is negative.

Love is stable, hate is chaos - the pwBPD lives in constant chaos in their minds, so they project it to the outside as well

Love is growth, hate is destructive - how can someone who is hellbent on self-destruction try to grow something?,

There's truth in that and unrest ding what you need. Can you journal your own response to your question, read it ask you've written it to yourself and feel complete that you can give yourself the highest, authentic, response?

I totally agree with whereisthezen above ... .  

I once (fairly recently) asked my H, "Why do you focus on the negative in people? I mean, as much as a pessimist and sceptical as I am, I still believe that people are inherently good, not inherently bad."

His only response?  I don't know.  Sometimes (a lot of the time) he can;t even SAY I don't know, he jst shrugs his shoulders and makes these sounds that would be I don;t know without opening his mouth or enunciating.

I guess I should be thankful that I can't remember him ever telling me that he hates me.

That's a pretty astute thought process for a pwBPD... . DBT teaches the dialectic of holding two seemingly contradictory thoughts in your mind at the same time, like... .

This person has some awful qualities that drive me crazy AND she has some wonderful qualities that I value... . she's both good AND bad at the same time, all in one person.

Untreated BPD is about a failure to be able to hold the two contradictions in your mind at the same time, you have to be either all good... . or all bad... . one or the other ... . all black or all white... . (thus the splitting) but not BOTH at the same time.

Impressive.

I suppose it makes a lot of sense that splitting, which all of us encounter so regularly, is basically their emotions short-circuiting.  It's like they have black and they have white, they cannot make any sense of the grey, so the two thoughts have a battle in their heads until one wins.  It's sad, but also it explains why they are so emotionally disabled... .

When said in this context, I believe "hate" is referring to the vulnerability and insecurity a pwBPD is feeling that is the core of BPD, fueling the abandonment fear.