BPDFamily.com

My BPDexbf manipulated and lied to me and tried his best to control me for 2.5 years. After a recent 6.5week break he started texting and phoning (I miss you, I love you etc etc) which led to me letting him back into my home and heart for a night nearly two weeks ago (where he said he hadn't been with anyone and was not going to be with anyone), after this he then went "cold" by text, cut me off less than two days later (on the friday morning) and refused to talk to me. I went to his place to see what was going on and found another woman and he told me to leave or he would call the police. So I've been in devastation mode for 10 days and trying to get myself back together again. He has moved on to another woman. They looked comfortable together. He was grooming her for a relationship, I felt. And then today he texted me - out of the blue - a blank text - no words. Why is he doing this? It brought all my wounds and scars out afresh.  Why when he is off with another woman is he texting me? Has he not let me go? What the hell? It is so confusing and upsetting. I don't want to engage by responding so I am posting here instead. Please give me your thoughts? He has destroyed my life. I can't afford to go back. Aarrg :'(

Learning,

There are answers to why he does what he does,  its the fairly predictable pattern of BPD. 

I think that what is more important is what you want,  what will be the best thing for you in this situation.

How can you take care of yourself?   

As my Ex and I were splitting up I had to make a real effort to not add any more drama and negativity to an already volatile situation.  It wasn't good for either of us.   

His stuff is his stuff.   Don't buy into it.

babyducks

Hello learningtowalkagain1.

I am sorry that your ex is putting you through this.  It seems like a power play.  I mean, he tries to pull you back in (probably because he wants to test you and see whether or not you'll take the bait), and when you do, he's through with you for the moment.  This feeling is something I think you need to remember in the event that he attempts to pull you back in again.  I applaud you for not responding.  

I believe the longer any contact goes on, the more he will hurt you.  You really don't want that, do you?

After dropping the bombshell "I met someone" my ex still wanted us to see each other, as she lived far away and they Skyped each other.  I never saw this coming!  He emailed me that he "Felt so bad & am confused but know for sure I still want you in my life."  Typical BPD behavior, also, I think my ex was also commitment phobic, "can't say yes, can't say no" -- such people feel smothered when relationship gets too close, they destroy or run away from it, then when anxiety is gone, they miss you & want to re-engage.  When we spoke again & I reminded him of words he said to me, he said "Things changed, I thought what we had was enough, she bowled me over."  That was it for me; hurt too much & I vowed to end it.  That was 3 mos. ago & 3 mos. no contact.  Very painful, but beginning to heal.  You have a choice:  let the wound bleed (and it WILL heal) or rip the scab off by further contact.  You know he is not stable in his responses; in my opinion, best not to  continue it, it will only hurt you more.  Best of luck.

Try to focus on how lame it is under all the circumstances to send a blank text.  It is literally the very least he can do.  And he is doing ... .  the very least.  It is a million trillion miles from what you would do if you genuinely loved someone and put them through what he has just done to you.  Right?  And yet, here we are parsing it to see if maybe it signals that he wants you.

Let's just cut to the chase.  He DOES want you.  In the sense of: he doesn't want you out there thinking badly of him or getting over him or not being available to him when he wants you.

That's a million trillion miles away from the way in which you want to be wanted, I presume, but it is not that he doesn't want you.  You have consumer value to him.  He is not indifferent.  He does not wish to lose access to you.  Count on that ... .  now.  :)oes that have value to you?  Being wanted like a consumer good?  Because this, and other lame totally- inadequate-under-the-circumstances communication, is only evidence of that.

I'm sure you are cycling around the mental loop of whether he actually does love you like he said when he was trying to pull you back after the 6.5 weeks.  That's one of those almost impossible to answer questions.  I've done so much work on this site and regarding my relationship, I've tried to deal with him with integrity as a partner and a friend, I've spent a lot of time with him, been left in lots of ways by him, and at this point, I honestly don't know the answer to that question.  I do know that that is not how I expect to be treated by someone who loves me, and therefore, there will always be limits on the kind of access I allow him to have to me from now on -- whether he loves me or not.

He was really really rotten to you.  He does want you.  You have consumer value to him and he may also love you in his own way.  But the way he treats you is not loving.  It's all true at the same time.

Patientandclear:

Great post.  You hit the nail on the head.

At time of breakup with my ex, I knew I would shortly lose someone close to me, a friend who was moving away.  He emailed that he wanted to "remain best friends, I know you will miss C and I want to be there for you."

I was seeing therapist & said "maybe I am cutting off my nose to spite my face, I will be lonely without C (a friend) and he (my ex) would be there for me."  Therapist replied: "This is how he would suck you back in."  BINGO!  I then realized it was HE who would miss ME until he found a new, local, woman as his "new" love lived far away & they could only Skype each other.  He needs someone to watch movies with at home, eat with, etc. & will look for someone close & never tell his Skype friend.  But my therapist REALLY OPENED BY EYES TO HOW PWBPD WILL SUCK YOU BACK IN FOR THEIR OWN NEEDS.

Patientandclear - GREAT response. 

learningtowalk - Can you block his # so this will not happen again?

Learningtowalk, I can only imagine how hurt you must be.  My ex devastated me too.  You're going to go through withdrawal again because of the recent contact.  It will hurt like hell, but it will pass.

I believe that if we are meant to find out certain things, they will be put in our face.  Whatever got you to go over to his house after he re-engaged and then blew you off, you were meant to see the other woman, the truth.  This is God's protection, your angels intervening on your behalf.  Or, if you don't see things in a spiritual framework, it was your own gut instinct that got you over there so you wouldn't be able to be fooled anymore.

Please stay strong. You don't need the level of drama and pain this man brings into your life.  Even if he is sick, it doesn't change things and is no excuse for his treatment of you.  You need to put yourself first and cut him out, IMO.  Good luck, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

I can't tell you how much all of your comments helped me. I have had such a busy week this is my first opportunity to respond.

I am so glad I stumbled upon this site when I was so desperately devastated. I can no longer speak with my friends about this guy and my parents have passed away (just before I met him - I was vulnerable to his advance!) and my family are detached from me. I made up my mind to not respond to the text at all but it still troubled and tormented me.
Unfortunately I have tried to block his number to no avail - my carrier can't (apparently) and if I jailbreak my phone to put a blocker on I void warranty if something goes wrong. I have resigned myself to just being resiliant and strong - but I must keep that focus because he has sucked me back into responding before when I have lost that focus! Hopefully posting on this site will help me through this time.

I love the words especially by patientandclear particularly about being consumer value to him. That was great. And eniale "That is how he would suck you back in!" and Leftbehind "You don't need the level of drama and pain this man brings into your life".

I admit it is a very tough and painful time at the moment but I am trying to focus on one step at a time and get used to a life without him - which never felt like it could be a reality before now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. :)