BPDFamily.com

Divorcing BPDh of 22 years, and getting close to settling.  However, the closer we get to this being final, the worse he seems to become.  Last night he called my cell and home phone over 26 times within an hour, then left messages threatening to come down to my house if I didn't return or answer his call. There was nothing to talk about other than him blaming me for the divorce (again). This is giving me so much anxiety.

Thinking about asking for a no-contact order, but I'm concerned that doing so will make things work and cause him to drag things out. Also wondering how this would work with visitation for our 11 yo daughter.  Can anyone share what occurs in a situation like this with a no-contact in place?

First,keep the messages he left.If you request a NC order he'll likely get upset,mad,threaten,etc.,,It's about him losing that bit of control he still has.

That said,do what's right and protects you and your 11yo.If you feel the need for NC order,then do it.Don't worry about how it effects him.That's his to worry about.Calling 26 times and threatening is harassment and illegal.If you set this boundary it might help him realize that you won't tolerate it.

If he's not abusive to the 11 yo,it shouldn't change visitation.You can get the order just for yourself and not your 11 yo.

Do a search on "extinction burst".  This is a tactic where the controller naturally doesn't like losing control and tries to bluff/demand/threaten to get you to go back to the way things were.  Sadly, it is your new boundaries and separateness that has triggered this.  But it is not your fault.  Everyone needs boundaries so it is okay for you to have boundaries too and enforce them as well.  You can set reasonable boundaries but at this point you can't enforce them yourself since he's not listening to you any more, he doesn't see you as a person to respect and not an authority either.

It's possible that an immediate and very firm letter from your lawyer to him or his lawyer may limit his behaviors.  Maybe.  If you decide to try that and it fails then you can and should seek recourse by court order.  While courts are reluctant to take action, they are more likely to do so when powerful words - with documentation - are reported such as 'harassment' or 'threats'.  So I strongly recommend you not to hold back on informing the court to try to avoid getting your ex more triggered, we generally will trigger them whatever we do or don't do.

Meanwhile, save all the documentation you can of his poor and even abusive behaviors.  You never know which ones you'll need later.  Beware of the impulse to delete or toss so as to avoid the memory or to make it go away.  Doing nothing (inaction) or being nice or letting him get away with it typically doesn't work since it is perceived as an invitation to continue pushing your boundaries.  Facing the issues is necessary or he will just keep on and on.  (Your ex may keep on misbehaving for a long time anyway, but at least you're not enabling him.)

My ex is N/BPD and we have an 11 year old together. N/BPDx always got worse around any kind of hearing, whether it was mediation, deposition, pre-settlement conference, signing the PC in before the judge, etc.

At first, it was like your situation -- out of hand. Then he had a psychotic/manic episode and left over 100 messages on my cell, email, IM, text. Make sure you record everything -- if you have an iPhone, you can download an app that archives your VM messages. Make sure you do not answer your ex when he calls -- let it go to VM.

No contact orders are more about justice than they are about safety. Gavin de Becker (Gift of Fear) describes the psychological profile of a person who gets worse when a restraining order is filed (which don't keep you safe), and it fits many pwBPD to a T -- they hate to lose control.

So yes, your ex will probably get worse. And the NC order won't do much to curb his behavior. But filing a NC order might give you an edge in terms of legal strategy.

After you are apart from your ex, you'll reach a point where you're doing well enough that his cage rattling will get less and less nerve-wracking. I like to check in with friends here whenever I get something I'm not sure about, but I no longer feel the fear and anxiety to quite the same extent. I'm still very conscious about my safety, but my anxiety is way down.

If it helps, keep a journal of the times he threatens you, and then notice if those threats ever come to pass. In my case, almost nothing N/BPDx threatened to do happened. I hope the same goes for your situation.



LnL

 "Sadly, it is your new boundaries and separateness that has triggered this.  But it is not your fault.  Everyone needs boundaries so it is okay for you to have boundaries too and enforce them as well."

Doing a little search on "extinction burst" along with your other responses was SO helpful to me.  When I think back 5, 6, 7 years ago, I was just trying to set boundaries down about gambling, drinking, spending, moodiness etc. and it would set off a response.  Sometimes it would actually just push him from gambling to spending, or from spending to anger outbursts, but it was very clear that he didn't like or was uncomfortable with me standing up for myself. 

I start to feel crazy when 2 or 3 days after an incident like this, he acts like nothing happened or that it was no big deal.  Not only does he act like nothing happened, he sends me other texts telling me how much he still loves me and that he will never give up.  So I think the journaling may be a great idea to keep my head in the right place.  It is not okay to harass one day and then apologize and act like nothing happened. It is okay for me to think of my feelings instead of his all the time; and if he calls me selfish and self-centered, then so be it.

Also took your advice and asked my lawyer to send something to his lawyer.  He agreed that this is usually the best way to deal with this since the police won't usually get involved, and he hasn't ever harmed anyone other than himself. 

Was hoping I could be the exception and finish the divorce process in 90 days... . not gonna happen