BPDFamily.com

My recycle happened on 5/8/2013 via email. We had been NC for approximately 6 months and broken up for about a year. She is an undiagnosed BPD but does have a psych history that is diagnosed. So for the sake of being more clinically correct I will call her pwBPD traits.

I must start with thanking all of the BPD family websites advisors and participants for making this website available and useful. Through its many hours of use I knew exactly what this contact by her was about.

The email was an apology for all she had put me through. After our breakup I had spent many an hour either texting or emailing trying to get her to explain herself as to why she did what she did to me. Short story was I was replaced by cheating about six weeks after we moved in together. New guy was greeted by her getting pregnant about 6 weeks into their new relationship. They are no longer together and my ex is currently living back with her parents. She is 36 years old, unemployed, bankrupt with a brand new baby. Below is the text of the email:


Hi... . I know that we haven't talked in quite sometime- thank you for not contacting me like I asked. I wanted you to know that I have done a lot of thinking and growing up in the past several months. I'm sorry for how our relationship ended and for causing you so much pain. I understand how hurt you were- I always did. I just couldn't admit it to you for some reason- well... . For several reasons. Anyways... . Just wanted to let you know that I've been in therapy for awhile- but not for boarder line personality. I understand why you might think that I have that disorder but I don't. I asked my psychiatrist and my therapist and they both agree that I have severe generalized anxiety disorder. I wasn't starving myself when I was with you. I was over medicated. I'm only on one medication now and it's a very small dosage. I had my daughter in February... . She was 3 weeks early... . I had to be induced because I had severe toxemia- or preeclampsia. I gained 15lbs in fluid in less than a week and my BP was so high that they thought that I was going to start seizing. I had to be in a padded bed and everything- fitting... . I know ; ) after being given meds to induce my labor I couldn't dilate- not even one centimeter... . I had to have a Caesarian- which I proceeded to vomit during... . Ugh... . Only me right?... . Anyways... . XXXXXXX was born February 15th at 6:15 pm... . I call her XXXX for short... . She's beautiful. XXXX and I aren't together anymore- I'm sure that you're shocked... .  so I'm a single mom. I'm not sure if you're even going to read any of this email but if you do and you'd like to talk about anything please let me know. If you don't I completely understand. I just wanted to apologize for everything that I put you through. I hope that your life is good:)

The starving herself that she refers to is the 25 pound weight lose she had while we were together. Down to 90 lbs at our end, with a history of bulimia.

Since I knew what this was about I replied to her and we even met. It was very cordial and not over the top at all. Seems that she was very interested in me meeting her daughter so she could show me how “grown up” she is now. She was also very interested in telling how crazy her last ex was. Seems there is a custody battle going to happen since according to him “she is crazy.”

After the first meeting we texted a bit back and forth and were making plans to get together again. Understand all during this communication I am tiptoeing around any issues that we had, most of which I have had no adequate answers too. The moment that something from our past was brought up it was suddenly a mistake that she contacted me. I continued to offer my friendship with the stipulation that some honesty being injected into it. An honest and respectful friendship was the only type of thing I was interested in.

Like most people with BPD traits she was unable to face any of the real issues that would need to be discussed about what happened between us. Telling me “I don’t want to analyze our past again.” Even though we have never really talked, as most people would understand talking about an issue, at all.

Long story short once I expected something from her the entire thing fell apart and I haven’t heard from her in 2 days. 

From my perspective, even though I knew exactly what this was. I knew that most of what comes out of her mouth is BS, I still hoped that she had somehow “seen the light.” Of course that was standard wishful thinking on my part.

I am grateful that I got some closure out of this. An apology, as convoluted as it was. I also found out without doubt that she is not living some perfect life without me. Despite my best efforts and knowledge, the thought that it might have been me slipped into my thinking at times. I can now jettison that thought completely. Frankly if it wasn’t for her parents constantly “catching” her she would more than likely be homeless right now.

For the first time I felt bad for her… even in the situation she is in now she still has no ability to “see” herself. It gave me a good sense of just how mentally ill she really is.   

Wow, Jdc!  That is some tale. How are you feeling about all of it now? It is so sad and telling to me when I see how incapable our BPDex's are of truly communicating. How they shy away from "drilling down" to the heart of things. Mine dumped me in October of last year and other than a slight outburst on FB in April - has pretty much erased me. Wouldn't really explain why he did what he did. I had an opportunity in February to speak with him and asked him directly about the "dumping". I got a bunch of stammering and "I - I - I -don't know. I guess I just couldn't keep it all going. I love you". 

I'm curious as to what you think your ex will do in the future. Do you think she will continue to make contact with you? Or are you at some point going to shut her down?  You are a very kind person to have met with her and been so cordial. Don't think I could have managed that! 

I feeling OK. I did have a little false hope for a very short time but like I said in the original post I knew what was going on so I didn't expect too much.

As to what she will do, I left it open for her to contact me as friends if she wishes. So she may or may not contact me again not sure. I would guess if that is going to happen it will happen after she gets on her own and out of her parents house.

As for being kind... . I am now but I gave it to her good after our breakup. Now that I understand what is going on with her, all I feel is sorry for her. She has dug herself a giant hole and she has to be very very nervous and scared about her future at this point.

I feel for her too.  That's a sad and hard life.  Jcdthunder you tried and now you know this isn't something that someone just has a  :light: moment and things are all better.  

The baby didn't do it.

The guy she took off with didn't.

The drugs didn't do it.

Unfortunately neither can you - hard thing to think about.

There is some resolution when you have something like this happen though - it gets to the moment where you see thing clearly.  It's your  :light: moment.  So sorry  .

Where to from here?

Hey GMango:

You are right all I could do was try. She contacted me so I felt I had to try and at least be a friend to her. But I am obviously one of her triggers so our interaction would always end up the same.

As for me, nothing changed here. I am in the process of buying a house (meeting with the bank today.) I will continue on Match.com for possible REAL relationships. This situation with her isn't going to stop me at all.