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I really think I will be unable to have a relationship with my daughter if she does not seek help. I cannot live like this. I have not spoken to her since September by her choice. She got mad cause she heard someone say something to her that I had said and she said it wasn't nice. She never bothered to tell me what it was and told me basically to stay out of her life. This came out of the blue and has been ongoing for the past 7 years. This stop and start relationship where she can verbally abuse me and months later act like it never happened and wonder why things feel so uncomfortable. I usually am the one to get in touch with her but for once I have decided that if she chooses to have a relationship with me we would have to go for counseling. Cause it is a cycle that she does over and over again and emotional it is stressing me out and I have a major health condition right now from the stress of it all. What do you all think and how should I go about mentioning this to her when she decides to get in touch with me? Probably won't be for awhile but I want to be prepared.

Laura, Iam in the same boat as you.  The cycle kept on repeating again and agian(Being nice and being angry) and with myy dd running away from home especially at night just to scare me( Iam very very safety conscious). She is such a pretty girl and I worry about kinapping, rapes, being victim of crime etc.

Now Iam in the same dilemma. Unless she gets into therapy and meds, I do not want to have much contact with her. I just keep very superficial  contact to take care of her needs.

My health is in shambles and my brain use to be super sharp, but its not anymore.

For both our wellbeings I chose to distance myself.  I know BPD's have fear of abondonment and I feel by distancing from her, Iam making her fear come true. I dont know how to circumvent that.

prayers and hugs to you  

Hi there you two  |iiii and  *welcome* especially lauradbl,

It is so hurtful when our adult daughters take out their anger on us. It is a hard job being a mum. The effects on us can be devastating.

Laura it seems as if your dd (dear daughter) is an adult and living outside of the home, is that right?

My dd32 has had limited contact with me for over a year now. We are at the moment working on improving our relationship, it has been a long hard struggle. I can tell you there are no easy answers.

The first thing that my dh (dear husband) and I took on board was the need to work out our values based boundaries. These were chosen to 'protect' ourselves. I would like to recommend that you study up all you can on this. There is an excellent book on boundaries: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend. In the meantime there is a link here that will get you started.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

This sounds like a good time to read up all you can to arm yourself with the tools we need to help us with our relationships with our dds. There is much information on the site here to help us out, have you explored what there is?

let us know what you think, ok?

Vivek      

Vivek  - thanks for sharing this link. The reply by Ennie on 4/12/2012 has really helped me to understand the value of my values-based boundaries. And how hard it is to stick with them when I am depleted and need to retreat.  This does not mean that I will never be able to reconnect with my DD27. I just cannot be around her right now when she is under extreme stress for her choices and the consequences are harsh and unavoidble. She wants me to rescue her (again), and we are not. Dh and I are in self/family protect mode for now.

lauradbl - my DD27 will not accept doing any therapy or treatment. She believes someone else owns her probelms, so those others need to solve them for her. Until she is able to find a tiny shred of acceptance, and move beyond the current extremely stressful situation, I have to let go of all my expectations for her recovery/healing of her BPD. It may be that she will never reach this point.

So how can I best continue to love her, and find safe ways to let her know that I still love her, even though I cannot be near her or say yes to many of her requests right now. It feels so harsh - I do not like this one bit. I am a kind, compassionate person. This is a strong value for me. And I am having to place in 2nd to maintain my safety and that of my gd7. Praying for things to get better after she goes to court in 3 weeks - well after she gets out of jail for faiing her DWAI probation. One year seems like a long time for this conviction. It is out of my hands. EVen though she keeps trying to put it into my hands.

Find some ways to take care of yourself. There are many tools here  to help you. Have you read "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. It is one of the best books for parents of BPD kids.

qcr  

My daughter does live out of my house but not on her own. I will try and read that book. Thank you for the suggestion.

Things really changed for us last fall when our pregnant daughter attacked her father because he wanted her to say "thank you" for the gas he had just bought her. She tried to pull him out of the car and when she couldn't she roared away and wouldn't  let him out. This all included a screaming rage and obscenities. Eventually she stopped briefly enough for him to get out of the car. We filed a police report, stuck with it, and she ended up with court-ordered counseling and a psychiatric evaluation. She continues with both, thankfully! My point is this: we didn't excuse and brush off her behavior as we did in the past. We pressed the charges, hard as that was; who wants to see one's daughter face jail time? But who wants to think that such a rage and worse might happen again? She put her hands violently on her father; she crossed a line and opened our eyes. My advice to you is this: set boundaries and do not let her cross them. If she abuses you verbally, hang up or tell her she must leave the house. Send her into the rain and cold if necessary. Our family doctor, who has worked with borderlines, says that they can always find resources. They know how to do it. She may spend a night or two on the streets, but unless she likes that life, she'll end up with a friend somewhere. If she abuses you physically or otherwise puts you in danger, press charges. Be strong for yourself so that you can be strong for her. Never argue with her. Make statements. Never argue. Go into therapy and find a support group. Maintain the boundaries when she's a good girl, because sooner or later the bad girl will emerge. That's where we are with our daughter now, and it's been the pattern since she was 12. During her baby's first month, she seemed to be a good mother; now that's over and we're into the third day of a CPS investigation. It's certainly true that everyone has a private hell. This is ours.

Oh my goodness, Winifred... . that is a VERY sad story  :'(  It sounds like you have been through so much with your daughter, and have learned what you needed to, to even survive it. Do you have custody of your grandchild? I'm so sorry that your life is like that   

Your advice to previous posters is spot on and very educational, and it sounds like you have done all you can in this horrible situation. Thank you for sharing. I've learned the hard way that until a pwBPD realizes that they need help and are willing to get it, there is nothing you can do but validate their feelings, try to live/tell the truth in a nonjudgmental way, and protect your values and boundaries... . I'll keep you in my prayers... .    

Hi Laura,

I have been going through this with my UBPDD45 for years. I wish she would just take a good look at her last 30 years and see if life is working for her. The only problem she sees is me.

We just had17 months of NC.  We live 1500 miles apart. On a recent trip back home circumstances put us together during a difficult time. She took that to mean all was well. Next thing I knew she was announcing she was engaged.  This will be her 3rd marriage.  Not sure what # relationship.  We are now back to NC.

If it wasn't for our grandson and the rest of the family the NC is a relief from the drama that we have had for 30 years. For the life of me I don't understand how she doesn't see her life is not working. She thinks because she is holding a job and gets great feedback that proves her life is working. She doesn't look at the numerous relationships, binge eating, drinking, overspending. This might sound cruel but her house is a mess as well. She's somewhat of a hoarder.

I wish I had something positive to say.

Sorry.

Margjo

Im so sorry your  having such a hard time . I understand the impack stress like is has on your health.

My daugther will not speak to me or let me see my new Grandchild, and my health as not been good for a while.

My line of defence is to go into a depression which is where I am right now.

But one thing I am learning the hard way is that we are all great parents we have done all we can and it up to us to take care of our selfs, if we don't no one else will.

I find it every hard to enjoy life when I know how much my d is suffering,but listening to all your stroies is helping me realize that I deserve joy in my life weather she gets help or not.

I do some what enjoy the break from the drama when she's not talking to me.

I hope you can do something kind for your self  and your health and I will try too.

Take care  

When my dd is n/c with me, I find it is the easiest time to read up on BPD and how I can help. That's when the books and articles get a thorough going over. Every time I learn something to help me as a person and as a mum.

Those validation and boundary setting skills have layers of understanding around them. As I increase my level of understanding and put into practise those skills in my everyday life, I feel better and better.

Vivek