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So this is sort of rant, not sure if it makes sense but any feedback would be awesome.

I feel like a punching bag; just here to get beaten up on. Everything is always thrown on me, I'm the reason for all that's wrong in the world. It's hard to deal with, I don't know how I can keep it up. My self-esteem has never been that high but it's non-existent now. I feel less than human; like a waste of space. I'm always wrong and messing up everything. The only way to handle it is to turn off my emotions. Does it work? Yes and no. It works temporarily but longterm that unimaginable despair I feel boils over and comes out as uncontrollable anger, sadness, panic, and all those other negative emotions. It's like a purge, and I start over again, turning it all off. I hate who I am when I'm emotionless, I want to enjoy life. I want to be a human being, truly care for my children and wife but the only way I can survive is without emotions; it's a catch 22. I'm at a loss, I don't what to do, who to be, what to feel, or even how to feel anymore. I love my wife so incredibly much; everything good I have in my life is because of her but she won't let me in. I've never been a perfect husband and mostly I've been a hitty emotionless husband. I always want to start over, make a fresh start but am never able to. I never have anything to work with. There's a fortress I can't get into. Has a moat, alligators, fire-breathing dragon, everything. I accept my wife for who she is, her illness does not define her to me, she's my wonderful wife, simple as that. I want to get through to her and connect but every attempt I make is shot down. I'll never understand her emotions but I'll  always try but no matter what route I take it's never good enough. I wish I had an answer but I'm so messed up myself that how the hit am I going to figure anything out? It's too much.

Hi DantePakistan,

I feel your frustration.  It really is sad that no matter what we do, we seem to get hurt.  Yet nobody cares about our emotions and sometimes it feels like the only way to go is to turn it off.

Like you, I love my H, but all attempts are ignored and I'm contantly told how a poor wife I am- even saying something wrong (may not be wrong in the eyes of other non-BP people) will cause him to list out everything that he has even done for me and how I have no been like that to him. 

Well... . for the emotions bit.  It's tricky, but I think there is a mid-way.  For me, I certainly try not to get caught up in his emotions because they are so strong and toxic (negative).  When he is dysregulated, I try not to "catch" it.  It's more like viewing it like a third person, trying to improve the situation, knowing your limitation and getting too caught up in it.

Have you read this article about "mindfulness"?  I find it useful. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)

It is easy to get sucked into feeling like you are to blame for everything that is wrong. This can develop into that numbness you mentioned feeling, a normal reaction when done in small doses - toxic if used frequently to cope.

While it may seem overwhelming at the moment, every journey starts with the first step... .

As weird as it seems, the best first step you can take is learning how to take care of yourself. We can help you with that, so keep posting. You aren't alone anymore. We get it 

Thank you both for your responses. It's sad but also nice at the same time to know there are others out there who understand. I think we can all agree that our significant others are wonderful amazing loving people most of the time. I've started counseling a couple weeks ago to work on myself but even a professionally trained psychologist cannot truly what it is like to live with pwPBD on a daily basis, most notibly the bad days.

UFN is right.  It is most important to take care of ourselves.  From my experience of handling my uBPDh, whenever I am tired, stressed (either caused by something else or by his accusations, blaming and fighting) and not in the best emotional state, there is usually very little I can do in the situation of my H dysregulating.  We can learn all we can here, and it's a good thing, but who knows if they will end up changing- we cannot change another person.  In order to have the physical ability to persevere in our relationships, we need to know our limits and take care of ourselves first.

Unfortunately taking care of ourselves is easier said than done. Somedays it seems more like self-preservation than living. I'm worn out... .

Me too, and I know how that feels like- it takes so much energy just to get through the day, you don't have anything left in you for anything else.

Some days when I feel like that, I stop "working" on whatever- taking care of myself, learning about BPD, trying to change my communication.  Yes, being with pwBPDs is sometimes (ok, a lot of times) a chore.  And it's ok to take a day off sometimes.  Do something else for a change- something just for you.  Like watch a movie, chill out with a magazine, anything- just a period of time of yourself.  You deserve it, and there's always time to go back to the "working" another day.

The hardest part for me is that we have two kids. So I'm always torn between protecting them and making her seem like the mean one, which I don't want to do. Or watch them be hurt (emotionally) and not do anything about it. It's tears me up inside. I feel like I let them down a lot. I'm their father and I should protect them but when she's good she's a wonderful mother.

When children are involved protecting them needs to be the top priority.

This means her feelings can't be the sole consideration, that you have to weigh the needs of the children more than you do her feelings. Especially if you are acting to prevent them from witnessing her  acting out behavior or being subjected to any form of abuse or blame. Take the kids into their bedrooms and play some games with them, watch a movie, take them for a walk or to get some ice cream while their mom cools down. Let the mom know ahead of time that this is how you will respond in the future and then ":)O IT". Give her fair warning in the moment and if she is incapable of calming down then follow through. This is a boundary that needs to be established.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. Don't accept her abusing the kids.

I know this is scary - change always is... .  

You seem to have a very clear view of your wife's capabilities and things she is not capable of. You know how that makes you feel like a waste of space, but you hope somehow she will change.The first step I would suggest is radical acceptance; stop fighting and bemoaning and suffering that she is the way she is and tell yourself that you will be an adult and accept that she is what she is and accept that with all your heart. Whatever you decide to do or not do comes from that space of reality.

I will second the radical acceptance suggestion.  Its crazy difficult though so be forewarned.

But its really easy to get stuck in a stage of grief.  There is a famous model of grieving that applies in these relationships as well, because whats happened is that you are realizing your hopes and dreams will not be what your expectations were.  So now its an adjustment.  The stages are:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance

Many of us here are wallowing somewhere back and forth in the middle stages.  You can stay stuck there a lifetime.  To get out and move forward with life, the grieving has to stop - ie acceptance - after which you can take control over playing the cards you do have in a way that will serve you the best.  And yep, it wont be exactly in the way you might had hoped for earlier in life, that is part of the adjustment.

You are going to have to build a life where your needs are less dependent upon her.  Identify the voids, figure out which ones you can get in other places/ways and how, and then go do them.  It takes a LOT of work and time, but it will put you in a better place, which in turn will enable you to deal with the relational dynamics more easily.

Keep posting!

Dear DantePakistan

The exact same thing has happened to me. Everything i built for myself through years of therapy for my depression has been broken down. At this stage of the game Im not looking for love. Im looking for respect. Just a basic form of respect and consideration would do for now. To be acknowledged. Appreciated.

Then Yeeter mentions radical acceptance... .

Acceptance that i will live a single life forever. Doing everything on my own. Taking care of everything. Always being the rescuer. The provider. The perpetrator. The one to be blamed. The one to take the emotional blows etc. im 34 going on 46. And its extremely difficult to accept things for what they are. But maybe its worth the try.