BPDFamily.com

Had a reasonably long chat with my BPD wife last night and successfully used some of the techniques suggested on this sites. My difficulty is that my wife said that she wants me to prove that I want our marriage to work and that I had to prove that I would fight for this. She wasn't sure what that meant but she basically wanted me to plead and beg her not to divorce me.

I refused and clearly said that I was willing to work with her, together but fo r my own self esteem and self respect I would not beg and plead and that whatever decision she chooses to make there would be very little that I could do about that if she felt determined that that is what she wants to do.

What do you think? Do you think that I am taking the right actions?

Buzz,

I think you did the right thing! You set a healthy boundary for yourself Most likely she'll come up with more unreasonable demands to test those boundaries. But it sounds like you're prepared for the impending battle.  Best of Luck!

Thanks Juliecelle,

Difficult isn't it? I find myself questioning every action even though intuitively it feels right. Strange how this all affects us so profoundly.

I had a similar talk with my wife yesterday. She didn't sound sure about what she really wanted either, it's hard to make sense of. But one thing was that she wanted me to state whether I was going to work on the r/s or not. It's kind of like a trap in that it puts it all on you, so I don't think it's a fair question.

The outcome was basically that we'd try to talk more often and bring things up immediately if we think the other is at fault. I don't really know how that will go, as she is very sensitive to critique.

Yes that's exactly how I felt. That all of the work had to be done by me rather than jointly. Your situation sounds very similar and hope that what you are trying helps in some way. Best wishes

Yeah it's kind of weird. There's the BPD (or is it NPD) trait that I believe is her thinking I'm an extension of her rather than an individual. I'd like for us to be two individuals, with different strengths and weaknesses, working on this together. She doesn't see it that way.

I wish you the best as well!

Completely! I would describe my hopes in exactly the same way.

At first I did receive some of that from my stbexBPDw - everything had to be my fault - I had to come to here begging and pleading.  But I couldn't - I had my boundaries and my demands that we needed marriage counciling and she had to cut this new guy 100% out of her life.  Those demands were too controlling and unreasonable to her - so I filed.  she has tried maybe 2-3 times since then sending mixed signals but my demands are firm! So needless to say - it shouldn't be too much longer before the divorce is final.