BPDFamily.com

I keep reading that much of the BPD issue stems from something that happened to the person when they were about 2 years old.  Some kind of abandonment, abuse, or something.  Also, some kind of feelings of abandonment from the Mother.  That is something that I wish I could explore more.

I realize that there may be biological factors as well, but it seems like if those bio factors are present and then something happens around age 2 that BPD develops.  

My pwBPD was a very difficult baby - a contrast to the first few easy babies in the family.  His mom often speaks of how difficult this baby was and how she didn't want any more kids after this one.  The mom was the type who likes to hold a quiet baby while she would sit and chat with the neighbors.  This baby interferred with that.  I suspect that he was often "abandoned" crying in a crib/playpen in a back room.  (the Mom isn't one who bothers herself with unpleasant things).  

Even though the Mom didn't want more kids after this "bad baby", she found herself pregnant and gave birth to a super easy baby when the "bad baby" was 2 years old.  I strongly suspect that Mom quickly dispensed with the "bad baby" because she now had a sweet baby to hold and tend to instead.  The Dad worked from home and the family's pattern had been that Dad tended to the "older kids" once a new baby was born.  :)ad had a HORRIBLE temper and did NOT tolerate "kid noise".  He was a scary figure, but the "easier kids" escaped much of his wrath.  Bad Baby didn't escape his wrath.  I suspect that when "bad baby" was abandoned by Mom to "mean Dad" that this furthered abandonment issues.  

Am I off-track?  

Being constantly told what a awful baby you were - to the point of it as a topic for generally discussion and common knowledge amongst family and friends is pretty invalidating.  It doesn't promote belonging and acceptance.

It doesn't always have to be outright abuse.  Sometimes emotional neglect or repeated invalidation really hurts a sensitive person.

My ex-bf was taken to state custody from his alcoholic parents when he was 3 years old. It is obvious this is when he got the disorder. He was in orphanage until he was 8 yers old, when he got foster parents, who later adopted him. It is almost tragicomic that his foster-mother also begame alcoholic. And now my ex-bf has ADHD, is alcoholic and disordered. ADHD is of course something you are born with. Alcoholism in his case is genetic: he is one of those people who are alcoholic from the first time they get to taste alcohol, their brains love it and they keep drinking heavily for days. Then they can be without drinking months. I never saw him drinking because he had taken it seriosly and worked himself out.

He has so much in his plate I don't believe he will never be able to handle his disorder too. It is just too much for one person. I understand it, and that is why I forgave him for abusing me and making me quilty for my own abuse. But I will not have anything to do with him. This is my life too.

My stbxBPDw's youth:

Mommy didn't want her and neglected her.

Daddy didn't give attention to this fact and because of the bad marriage was away from home a lot.

Result:

- no contact with mommy.

- daddy is her big hero.

- VeryScared is the reason of all her problems. 

My undxBPDh's mother committed suicide when he was 3 years of age.  He then was shuffled around with an unattentive alchoholic father to aunts and uncles with no stable places you'd call "home".

My understanding is BPD traits are acquired during the first year of life, through inadequate bonding and lack of emotional attunement with the mother, as well as possible biological influences.

Hi SadWifeofBPD

My understanding of this disorder is that some professionals consider this disorder to be related to PTSD.  Some of us might be familiar with how adults have difficulty with PTSD.  Now imagine a developing mind (toddler age 2-4) suffering a traumatic event from which they develop PTSD.

My understanding is that their "primary abandonment trauma" can be an actual loss, like the death of a parent.  Or it can be a perceived loss (real or imagined).  I suppose it can even be just a temporary loss.  In some cases there might be abuse from a parent figure, or just the perception of abuse.  Just like we don't understand why some adults suffer from PTSD, while others don't when experiencing similar events, I don't think we understand why some people might have a difficult childhood experience (abuse, loss, abandonment, etc... . ) and develop BPD, while others do not.  The disposition of the individual should play a role... . some people may be more sensitive than others.


This is difficult to determine because the sufferer may be in strong denial of their trauma; I imagine this is especially the case in family abuse/incest situations.  A good source of information might be the accounts of people who have recovered from BPD.

In the case of my BPD loved one, she told me about the loss of her mother when she was around 4 years of age.  She describe to me a situation which I interpreted as her young mind being unable to tolerate or comprehend the loss of her mother that she completely dissociated from that loss.  She only mentioned this one time to me in our five year relationship, and only during a very difficult period of her life (during the night she found out about another loss).


Maybe it was the mother's invalidating behavior throughout this pwBPD's childhood development.  Maybe there was a specific traumatic event.  I don't know.


Your analysis sounds plausible.  I hope your understanding can put it to rest for you.  I also hope you realize that just because you understand what may be the underlying cause of your BPD loved one's disorder doesn't mean that they will accept or even consider your ideas. 

Best wishes, Schwing