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Thought I would share this with the board.  I know it's best to ignore these emails.  When do I ever do what is best for me?  :)  I did spot the triggers that we both do to each other.   I figure if this follows the historical path of the r/s of others on the board, I should be receiving a restraining order, right?

Don't you like how he starts out?  No greeting, no explanation... .

Email from ex:

I got invited, last minute to run a relay.  My part was only 5 miles.  However, I had not done any road running for about 5 years.  It showed.  I had the second leg after an extremely fast first leg runner.  He put me in some VERY fast company.  I started out in 7th place out of about 800.  I didn't finish my leg in 7th.  Oh well, I completed my segment and did not have to walk (or lie dawn).  I figured I did OK considering I did not train a single bit and went out cold-turkey.

Hope your weekend was good.  I put down about 14 bags of bark on Sat.  Thought of bags-o- bark at your house, and the big bark (the dog).

Have you looked-up Pastor XYZ and church?  I guess he's here full time…

Regards,

Ex

Me:

Hey Sweetie,

Not sure why you are writing me…I’m confused.  I don’t believe you have feelings towards me.  Need help understanding why you are reaching out to me…?

Thanks,

Me

Ex:

Well, first and foremost, I think you are a good person.  In my recent experience with folks in general since our "final", I have discovered that there are very few good people out there (very few).

Secondly, as result of my discoveries, I feel isolated and wanting to tell a good person what going on with me.  Even though I understand that our differences caused our break-up, and in my case specifically, my laundry list of demons.  I still value your opinion.  However, having read your response, I realize my actions are self-serving and somewhat selfish.  I am sorry.  I will endeavor to stop and not contact you as best I can.  I do care for you but as we have witnessed, not enough to significantly change into what you need from me.

Kind Regards,

Ex

Me:

You are a boundary breaker, not a big deal, more a part of your charm.

It’s interesting that at first we were soothing to each other’s core wounds and then we became triggers to each other’s core wounds.  I needed a ‘daddy’ and you needed a ‘mommy’.  Then we became the daddy/mommy that was so painful to both of us.  We trigger each other.

Working hard on healing that core wound in me.  A part of me wishes that we could of helped each other to heal.

I think though, now, I might be a determent to it, to your healing.

Ex:

You may well be right.  I'm in the middle of healing some core in[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)[/b][/url] and it has me thrashing around greatly.  At times it hurts enough to shut me down.

I do not know what to do for sure, but maybe I am detrimental to your healing as well.  I cause confusion at least.  I will try and stop.


Me:

I hear you and I’m sorry you are dealing with these painful things…broken parents raise up broken children and the pattern repeats.  Unless a person decides it’s time to break it.

Wishing you all the best.

Take care

Rose,

What I see in this post, is the need to continue to engage even when it isn't in your best interest. The dance continues in each email. The roller coaster and the frustration it breeds is evident in each reply.

Been there, done that.

I wonder if you are trying to get answers, find answers, get validation, get support, process stuff etc from within the very dynamic that caused those issues in the first place.

Been there, done that too.

For me, I had to get out of it, to see it for what it was. I had to be out before I could get out of the seductive FOG. I needed to be FOG free before I could see clearly, think clearly, and plan my recovery clearly.

Best thing I ever did was go NC. I knew all it took was one word, one interaction and I was thrown back to square one. Each time this happened, I felt like I was betraying myself, sabotaging myself, derailing my own healing.

Just my thoughts.

Well, I knew he was reaching out for 'momma' from whatever source he could find.  I know he has no awareness of my feelings when he does these things.  I know that don't exist to him as anything other than someone to give an 'atta boy'.  And when he didn't get it, he wanted to exit, stage left.

It's so clear to me now what we were trying to get from each other.  The trigger for me was the 'I do care but blah blah blah'.  It's like, Dad, is that you?    It's like... . whoa!  Lightbulb.

Having this  :light: moment means exactly what for how YOU will react next time?

Well, I know I will never get my daddy fix here.  And I won't encourage him by giving him a mommy fix.  I doubt I'll hear from him again.  He has that comorbid NPD side that will be fighting the BPD side that wants to reach out.

As far as how I'm doing, feeling pretty good.  :)  At peace.

You will hear from him again based on that email dialog.