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My mum went into one of her 'rages' again last week and I really need some advice as I am close to breaking point with it all! I am really the only family mum has left as my grandparents have all passed away and mums siblings don't have any contact with her. Mum is diagnosed with having BPD and bipolar.

She was angry on friday because i'm invited to my cousin's wedding and she isn't because she left him abusive voicemails last year.

I explained to mum that I was sorry that she wasn't invited. She said she doesn't understand why she hasn't been invited as she has never done anything wrong to my cousin. In every aspect of her life she sees herself as the victim and everyone else is against her. She is always the one in the 'right' and everyone else is 'wrong'.

Anyway I explained to her that I will be attending my cousin's wedding because their falling out is nothing to do with me. Well that sent her into a massive rage. She gave me ultimatums and said "you're taking his side", "If you go to the wedding you'll no longer have a mother" etc... .

She left me 21 voicemail messages in the space of 2 hours on friday. She said things like "Sleep well, I know where you live", "I wish you'd just jump in front of a train then i'd be happy", "I wish i'd aborted you" to quote a few.

She also phoned the police that night to make a false accusation about me which I found extremely upsetting. Luckily the police were very understanding. She also threatened to phone my work and make accusations, I am a student nurse and qualify as an RN in a few weeks. Once I am qualified I worry that any accusations will be taken seriously.

This is not new behaviour for my mum. Whenever there is something 'stressful' going on she will always have one of these rages and direct it all at me over the phone. She seems to have so much hatred and anger towards me when she is like it.

She resents the fact that I am engaged to be married and everything is always 'worse for her because she's alone' or she says "you've got your fiancé, i've got no one".

With her contacting the police and leaving 21 voicemails in the space of 2 hours it seems that her behaviour is escalating. Going back a few years there is no way on earth she would have phoned the police and made a false accusation about me.

I am thinking that maybe I need to completely cut all contact with her for a long period of time? The only problem with this is that I think I would feel guilty about that and find it hard because she doesn't have any other family in her life apart from me. But I really don't think I can go on accepting this behaviour like I have been.

I tried contacting the 'crisis team' on friday but when they speak to her she stays calm and knows exactly what to say. She never has any repercussions for her actions. How can it be acceptable for someone to make false accusations to the police?

I have also in the past tried to explain to her how she makes me feel once she has calmed down and she always says "you know I don't mean it and that I would do anything for you" or she tells me she loves me and starts crying. If I then try to explain further how much her abusive behaviour hurts me she get's defensive and says something along the lines of "fine! don't see me again then! I'm obviously a terrible mother!".

I'd take any advice I can at the moment. Things are so bad i've considered moving away.

She seems to always make me feel guilty and sorry for her when i've done nothing wrong. Reading this forum I think this is because she has been treating me like this since I was a child (I'm 24 and she's 54).

Hi Laura, sounds like a difficult situation.  My mom is very sensitive about weddings too, I joke that my mom and weddings is like giving her a drug.  Even my enmeshed sister chose not to have my mom at her wedding, it's not your job to explain why she was not included and you should not feel bad about attending your cousins wedding. 

21 voicemail and calls to police is scary.  Whatever you decide to do, proceed with caution - save those voicemails and keep a record of calls, etc.  I've taken a break from my mom and she escalated in response.  Things are quieter for me now, but there was a period where it got worse before it got better.  I hope for the best for you, but I advise you to prepare for the worst.

FOG gets better, it took almost a year for me but therapy and writing her helps.  I don't fear her as much and my sense of obligation is 0 because she has said so many nasty things about me.  Guilt is the toughest, holidays have been difficult but after awhile you start making your own traditions.  Moving might not be a bad idea, don't uproot your life, job, etc for her but, honestly - my life was easier when there was physical distance between my mom and me.  I didn't need to make boundaries when she only saw me for a few hours on holidays.  When I moved closer her expectations changed.

Oh, I am so so so sorry.

Hugs to you.

Yes, this is exceedingly distressing.

Two things: (1) Either delete her voice mails without listening or (2) Get someone to listen and if there is anything important, tell you. Never listen yourself.

I would say create as much distance as you can.

If you can possibly bring yourself to make this clear you should: If you are abusive to me, I cannot have contact with you.

She needs to learn there is something at stake and she is taking a risk by her abusive behavior. It won't stop her possibly. But it is very important because at some point, you may not be able to be in a relationship with her. 

i'm not saying all BPDs are manipulative. but my mom is. i am betting ur mom has some of this too.

they treat you in the way they can get away with it.

believe me, the less u engage her while she is this way, the better it is in my opinion. is he wants contact with you, she will ty to behave herself to a lesser degree.

i feel they have this crazy rage or whatver and they are dying for someone to let it all out on.if u r out of the way, she will have to find a different way of dealing with this stuff.

there's no reason you should allow yourself to be her spacegoat. if you have physical distance between you, keep it that way.

her behavior is scary and criminal--making false accusations against you. why do u need to be around that?

Thank you for the replies!

It sounds like the general consensus is to have distance from her? I think I will try that because she needs to learn her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I think the reason she makes me feel guilty is because she manipulates my feelings and has been doing so since I was a child. I probably don't know any other way. Something in this situation has got to change though and if it isn't going to be her then it will have to be me!

Yes, distance... . geographical or emotional.  Hold your boundaries.

There is a workshop on FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) in the workshop section, if you have not already read it... . check it out.  I find guilt is worst on holidays, plan ahead if possible.

Hey Laura88,

Ouch, I'm really sorry you had to listen to those awful statements. Handling rages can be so tough. You don't have to listen to the voicemails. Your attitude toward this is really great though! You can take care of yourself and help your relationship with her by taking some time away!

I don't know if you've seen this link about boundaries, but it is really helpful. It might help you as you figure out how to distance yourself in a healthy way. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)