BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I was just wondering if there was any advice for handling social situations witha BPD partner. My uBPDh is horrible at attending functions without complete rages or meltdowns. Often causing us to leave early, or not attend at all. He complains of never getting out then gets angry about everything when we are out. Why? Short of doing things alone all the time, what other options do I have?

From my own experience, if I make a big deal of some event, he will likely cause a stir before going so that either he will miss it (and I will go miserably) or we both have to miss it.

What I do (and that may be unconventional, I don't know) is, even if there is some event going on which I will invite him to, I will water down the importance and also sound like I don't really mind whether he goes or not.  If he feels in any way "forced" into going, then it will not end well.  If I give him all the space he needs, he is usually more easygoing.

Never thought about it before but actually I do the same.  I play down the importance of stuff.  If he ends up not going then no biggie (I don't state up front that he has to go)... . something like "I'm going to this on Friday if you would like to come with me."

I have heard some of the more senior folks on these boards comment that being normal in social settings stressed BPDs out.  Mine (and others I know) have PTSD and anxiety on top of BPD.  So I try not to add to the anxiety.

I dread social events with him, and also do the "downplay the importance" strategy. Unfortunately I've learned it's just easier to skip the event if at all possible, as he gets very stressed which is followed by strange behaviors that I'd rather not endure in a social setting. If it's a "must attend" event and he goes to the dark side, I make sure that we leave early as to limit the possible damage. He's a master at saying the wrong thing at the right time or just plain acting weird. 

I learnt the lesson in a hard way.  In the past, I would not downplay the importance of things that seemed important to me, and when H "punishes" me, he would do so by not going to the function/ event.  You know, to make me upset.  Of course, I don't just downplay its importance now, I genuinely don't care/ mind whether he goes or not.  I'm not the moss on his rock, I have do my own stuff even if he does not wish to participate.  And I will enjoy it.

It sounds like we are all on the same page. Downplay is the secret. You also have to not care if he/she goes. I just have a built-in "Shes not feeling well" excuse for everyone when they ask about her.

The difficult situations are when she gets invited to an event and really wants to go. Then she backs out at the last minute due to some form of punishment or something I said or did. There have been a few times when she sees that I am perfectly willing to go by myself, and she will come at the last minute. Most of the time, she just doesn't come.

garthaz, in the past I used to make up excuses for him as well.  "He's just incredibly busy", "He's not feeling well"... . now I have stopped, because he has to be responsible for his own actions.  While I will not say bad things about him in front of others, I also will not make excuses for him anymore. 

Now I'd just say things like "No.  He's not coming today."  People can think whatever they want. 

Same story overhere.

Visiting friends or visits from friends weren’t possible. Family sometimes.

Gatherings from work, even the important ones, I almost always had to go alone. In ten years she went with me to my work two or three times. Other social occassions that were important for me: no way she would come.

I made up excuses for her: busy doing other things, our animals can’t be alone, sick, has to get up early, no car, and so on.

Looking back I now realise I felt terrible, being in a r/s, but have to do every alone. I probably was I bounded single. Worst about it, is I felt guilty at a time. Guilty for me to go to meetings, while she was at home alone. She made sure that I felt that way! Now I see that much clearer: I gave her the opportunity to come along every single time, she didn’t take it, so it was her problem.

Being out of that r/s I’m still going everywhere alone, but feeling a lot better about it: no explaining to do, knowing that I don’t have a partner to go with. Just having fun.