BPDFamily.com

Hey I have a question... .

In my relationship with my BPD ex, I definitely slipped in to codependency. I started really strong, had good boundaries etc. Didn't worry much... . By the end of the relationship however, her behavior was really effecting me. Giving me sleepless nights, effecting my work etc. Then when she discarded me, I really suffered like many... . I definitely had a coodependent streak triggered. Wanted to "rescue" her etc. Took a lot of rubbish, a pretty savage smear campaign, was manipulated into situations that made me look crazy etc. Anyway a lot of people have gone through the exact same experience.

Anyway my question is, am I going to have to be aware of this in me forever? Where every relationship I am at risk of this? Will I always be inclined to tolerate what is essentially emotional abuse?

OR is this just unique to a relationship with a BPD?

I know my greatest fear is a divorce really, I don't want my one day children to have the same start I did.

Basically what I'm asking is... . with a BPD I became codependent, had a rescuer streak triggered ect. But with someone emotionally healthy, will this be such an issue?

That depends on you Dank,not on someone else being healthy.Working on yourself and recognizing what caused your RS with your exwBPD will help insure that you don't fall into those same patterns.

You can fix you.You can't fix someone else.By releasing the urge to fix and rescue,maintaining proper boundaries,trusting your instincts,and taking care of your side of the fence,you won't fall into that again.You'll attract healthy people,because you'll see the dysfunctional one's and steer clear or at least recognize the difference.

At a party last night there were 3 "dysfunctional" girls.One grabs my wrist and squeezes as I'm turning the door knob to go outside,one's rubbing her hands up and down my stomach as she walks by,another holding onto my arm then puts her arms around me,pulls me in tight,gives me a hug and lets out this big sigh.All had bf's there.

NOT something I'd want a gf to do.Fun to play with,but there's no way I'd enter into a RS with any.

Personally, I think the dysfunction of BPD pulls our underlying codependency traits up to the forefront with us and that's how we react and deal with the impossible situation at hand. 

I was in a very normal and healthy long term marriage (husband passed away or I'd still be married)  prior to dealing with a BPD partner and I can honestly say that I was not codependent. 

I very much see how my codependency played into allowing the abuse to continue and there is no way I will allow that to happen again... . once was enough for me... . just saying'   :)

Hi Dank,

I would say that your awareness is the key.   

In my situation, it was the horribleness of the destruction of this relationship that forced me into therapy.  I now realize I have strong codependent traits and I have been in denial for a long time. 

I am working on myself and though I am nowhere near ready for a new r/s, I definitely want the next one to be healthy and will be committed to doing my part to make it that way, and hope my future partner will do the same.     

I say there's a line between altruism and codependency.  Wanting to be helpful and caring to other humans is natural and healthy altruism, we're social animals, born to connect.  Caring becomes unhealthy and drifts into codependency when we use other people as a 'project' and focus all our attention on them, their problems and 'fixing' them, the backhanded benefit being we get to avoid our own stuff.  That's a perfect fit for a BPD, and they have a homing device for it.

For me the big leap was to question what my needs are, precipitated by having them stomped on full time by my BPD ex, and discovering that I had pretty much ignored my own needs as a life plan, figuring just being 'nice' and focusing on other people's needs would somehow get mine met, by default or something.  Lately I've gotten very selfish, in a good way, and my relationships with a lot of people have changed as I come from a place of getting my needs met; it's a whole new world, thanks BPD.

What were any of your other relationships like, dank?

The codependency is ours--it's not caused by someone else's BPD (nor does our codependency cause their BPD--even though they would probably latch onto that  ). In fact, it's likely part of what made us attracted to a pwBPD in the first place.

I think it's important to analyze your prior r/s before you can make a judgement call on that. Also, take a look at what attracted you to her, and to what degree (I'm not familiar with your story, sorry).  How much of co-dependency is your standard operating procedure? Did you think you could help her out a bit (and it just got worse), or did you see her as a "project"? 

I realize this is similar to what others have said- but my point is, only you can determine your level of CD by truthfully reflecting on your past. Just as we aren't supposed to label our pwBPD or generalize, I also don't think it's fair to automatically paint all non's as CD's who saw the dysfunction immediately and latched onto it because of some Knight In Shining Armor complex. You have to be the judge to see where on the CD spectrum you fall.

Man, see I have only had one other relationship. And that was fairly stable, although she was a wild one. I think I am naturally attracted to women who aren't "boring", I suppose. I've liked the independent, partying,

"know what they want" strong women! My ex was high functioning, and that's what I thought I had got... . Definitely bit off more than I could chew.

I didn't have a night in shining armour thing until after the relationship had ended and I had put all the pieces together and worked out what was going on. In our relationship, I often got fed up with her rubbish, and would go when she kicked me out, no problem. The final time she did it, she agreed to get therapy. She thought she had problems, and I was a bit cynical, and remember saying it could be nothing to worry about and you might just be a bit of a "b*tch". Then she told me it was CBT she was having, and then it wasn't until after she split me black, and actually reflected on her traits, the type of therapy, her past, and behavior, I worked out what it was for... . BPD.

I think it was working out that this was a disorder, and although she is responsible for her actions, she might not necessarily want to behave this way, definitely triggered the rescuer in me. I am very sympathetic to people who suffer this now, and although I can separate the person from the behavior, the behavior still hurts, and is still wrong.

Man I am an empathetic guy generally. She always used to say "you have the worlds problems on your shoulders"... . And I bought all her talk of emotional abuse as a child, all her smears of past exes, I bought the lot, and sympathized with the lot. "Why would she lie?" I thought. Some is obviously true, but now knowing what I know she has done to me, I imagine everything she said was distorted in some way.

CD is in me I imagine, I hope the awareness prevents it in future.

Have to agree with Healingmyheart.

My ex really brought out the worst (amplified) my codependent and adult child traits.

I didn't know anything about these until her and the end. I am thankful now as I can and am working on them.

I would say work on your assertiveness dank. There are good books out there on assertiveness... . I've heard that "When I say no, I feel guilty" by Manuel J Smith is a good book but haven't read it as of yet! DBT also has an interpersonal effectiveness section that is basically assertiveness training (I use these skills all the time so I know that they work... . I'm a non however they're good skills, period!)

Here's a DBT skills workbook: www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf

Just scroll down until you get to the interpersonal effectiveness section... . the DEARMAN skill will probably be the most effective in setting firm boundaries really! All the DBT skills are in the workbook though :)

Forget about the "codependent" label-I personally found it to be a hindrance! Just focus on changing your behaviour... . being more assertive... . learning new skills really. Everyone here, including yourself, has a lot going for them already so I feel like the "codependent" label is a pejorative one really... . Maybe some people are helped by the label though... . if they are, that's great but I just hated it lol

Don't know if you've read up on Family of Origin issues as you mention "adult child traits" but that may also help... . to recognise that you probably developed your codependent role within your family growing up as a child for whatever reason.