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I cant function. I know I had plans for something, but they all feel detached to me... . like its not my plans... . somebody else's plans... . somebody else's significant other... .

I feel unhuman. I feel like nothing,

everybody here will tell me im something, im worthy... . etc etc etc.

But no.

I dont feel anything anymore. I think my emotions have been wasted. I just want to lay on the floor and stare and be nothing,

i just want to be nothing for once.

nothing at all.

just rot, and it wont matter because ive been told im a pig so many times, that this time... . ill do what pigs do... .

just live in their own sh***   and wait for the slaughter.

I dont feel present in this year, I feel like I am at least in 4 different years at once, and somebody else lives my life for me.

because I just feel numb.

I dont know how to be a person anymore.

You all will tell me I do, that Im this and that,

but pause for a moment... .

because, I have heard this before. But in order to survive and know the mother's next step I have to think like her, She believes I am nothing

in order to survive I have to understand her.

Now I cannot understand the life outside.

the life outside doesnt make sense to me,

so ive become numb.

life with mother has trained me for this.

To become what the world sees as failure, but what I see as all I know.

No this is not a suicide letter, Im too cowardly to kill myself... .

besides why would I do that, then she would be right about one more thing.

How unappreciative, and how much of a liar I am.

I dont know how to live a "normal life" and at this point. I go to a friend's house, their parents talk, they watch TV... . they eat dinner and laugh and do not fight... .


its like an alien world to me I almost feel like I have to do something bad to make myself real... . life with mother hasn't prepared me for such ventures.

Hey there DontGiveUpOnMe,

Aww, it sounds really tough right now, hun. I do understand what you're saying: it's weird and frustrating to feel numb, not present, and like a different person living someone else's life. Please know that these feelings are okay. It doesn't make you messed up or a liar or wrong. These are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. You have survived to this point, which takes a lot of smarts, and a lot of guts.

Can you talk to someone in 3D about how you feel? Maybe you can tell a friend, a therapist, or a counselor at one of the local shelters near you. I know how hard it is trying to figure out how to live a normal life. It's really great that you can see your friends and their families acting normally. You can copy them and be okay. You don't have to hurt anymore-you've been hurt enough. Maybe try putting your feet firmly on the ground and feeling them there. Breathe deeply. Count red things in the room. Tense and relax your muscles from your eyebrows to your toes. Hug a teddy bear, take a bath, or cuddle up under a blanket. Eat something sour or sweet, hot or cold. You can even do times tables or recite your address. What makes you feel grounded and relaxed? If you don't like any of the above, maybe do a hobby like art or watch a movie.

I know it's tough right now and that you aren't feeling worthy. I'll send you some peace and comfort, and a calm blue lake to look at, if you like. You can get your feet wet if you like, and just smell the scent of wildflowers growing, feel the sandy shore, taste the brisk breeze, and hear the lapping of the waves. Maybe you can just rest here until you feel safe and okay again. 

You know, I DO think you're a very sweet girl--I really have enjoyed getting to know you a bit through your past posts. I believe that you are feeling overwhelmed right now,and probably rightly so. Oddly, one thing my sister and I have both liked about our status as children of  BPD mom and alcoholic Dad, is that it seemed to turn us into a couple of tough cookies--we are determined survivors.  Now,both in our early 60's, we have lived the lives we wanted. Our r'ship with our parents has been bad, which is sad, but other things that have required grit and determination to achieve are ours, all ours.

So, I hope you feel better at some point soon---I have a feeling you can go out there and get what you want, too! I'm rooting for you, Donygiveuponme!

Have you read up on the DBT skills for distress tolerance? Things like mindfully noticing your surroundings, distracting yourself with activities, taking a hot shower, listening to music, etc.

I find I can pull myself out of a disassociation/rumination cycle by engaging with nature or animals. Turn your focus out of your mind and back into the physical present.


Google DBT Distress Tolerance if you can't find the skills on this board.

 

Do you have a therapist or a support group at all? Clergy if you are religious?

www.ascasupport.org/ This group helped me a lot. My physical abuse was minor, the emotional and verbal abuse was what was really bad, but they still welcomed me and were so supportive. It really helps to talk to a person (in person!) who just listens and doesn't try to explain away your pain.

Hang in there