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Title: Extinction burst or genuine desperation? Post by: HazelJade on May 28, 2013, 11:29:15 AM How do you recognize an extinction burst from a genuine plea of help, as he can't take the pain anymore?
He has posted something on the net where he seems genuinely and completely distraught, almost giving up on everything; he's extremely proud and high functioning, posting a video of him looking desperate it's not his style. I also suspect that he posted it for me to see it, or for anybody to help him, anyway. I'm trying to understand here what is the difference between not rewarding a manipulative behavior and validating his pain, which I can see is immense. I'm asking my heart, and my heart this time tells me I should do something. I'm the one who has detached. He has always treated me with love when we were together and never abused me. All the madness came out after the end. He also had and has an objective extremely difficult life. I am seriously worried. Thank you for any opinion you would like to share. Title: Re: Extinction burst or genuine desperation? Post by: Clearmind on May 28, 2013, 05:25:08 PM Hazel, I don't see an issue in reaching out - be mindful of not fixing/enabling but rather supporting.
Is there still a romantic involvement between the two of you? Title: Re: Extinction burst or genuine desperation? Post by: HazelJade on May 29, 2013, 02:11:58 AM Thank you for replying, Clearmind :)
No, we haven't been together for a long time now (more than 2 years). I think the bond has never been broken though, as the relationship ended quite abruptly, with very little communication from his side. In these two last years he has been posting or sending me very sad things but since he was at the same time advertising his new relationship on FB and other places I have never validated the pain cause I was just utterly confused by mixed messages. I would reply keeping some sort of detachment and he would disappear again, tipically. I didn't know about his BPD, I just knew he had PTSD, a very difficult childhood, recent important losses and going through a difficult divorce. BPD became apparent to me just one year ago, but we have never had the chance to talk about it. He is also still involved with my "replacement" as far as I know. I have tried to call him yesterday for the first time in 2 years. He hasn't replied. He also deleted the vid from his wall, which makes me happy, for him. I hope this is a good sign. I have the distinct feeling that he will now somehow punish me for not reaching out in time when he was suffering. He has done this many times, in many ways. Completely irrational, I know, since I tried to call but that apparently doesn't count; I don't feel devastated by guilt and confusion anymore and I have learned not to fall into this manipulations and irrational expectations. But I saw genuine pain in that video, and it hurts, really hurts not being able to do anything or make him see that some people do understand, do get it, and love him all the same. Life is SO difficult sometimes. Thank you for taking the time to read me, it means a lot. |