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My exH (upwBPD) will be getting married this weekend to someone he started dating 6 months ago, just a couple of months after our final split.

I've been feeling better than after previous splits (and there have been many) mainly because I finally got really mad at the lack of respect and care.  He did send an e-mail apology but it was the same kind of thing he'd sent before - along the lines of "I'm sorry but you weren't what I hoped for... . ".  Before, I've always got to a point where I started to feel sorry for him because I thought he was struggling with so much but not this time.

But I am agitated tonight and trying to pinpoint what's going on. I am trying to sit with the feelings and not avoid them.  They may have been triggered by a dream last night or by knowing that he was in my home today to see the children (I knew about this and didn't think it would be an issue but came back to find a box of chocolates - for the people giving our children a lift to his wedding... . )

There's anger - in some ways that's an easy one to identify.  There's a lot to be angry about (and some of the anger is self-directed in that I am frustrated that I allowed much of what's happened to happen).

There's sadness that our children don't have two parents in same home (though I recognise that the reality is that their home is more peaceful these days and they are long past hoping for us to be together!).

There's relief that I no longer have to worry about whether he's about to withdraw affection; about to leave again; about to come back; about to blame me etc.

There's a tinge of embarrassment that he's so quickly found someone and is getting married (though this is not surprising and says more about him than me, I do still feel this a little).  I feel foolish for having defended all the reconciliations to others, including our children, on the basis that he really did love me but his issues got in the way.  Now I feel that I was just a way of dealing with the issues (not for the whole marriage, but definitely more recently). 

I feel 'not good enough' (shame?) - this is the feeling that can really have me on my knees and every time I think I am getting past this, something triggers this and I'm sunk.  Why is he so happy with someone else?  How was he able to flip feelings and discard me? (I know, logically, that it's not about my value - just recognising that this feeling is around).

I'm anxious for our children who have strong feelings about what's happening but recognise some of this is projected.

I'm resentful - not a lot, but it's there.  That feeling others here will have at times - why do our exes seem to 'sail off into the sunset' whilst we struggle?

Mostly, I think I feel grief.  One of the really positive aspects of our rollercoaster years has been learning to express myself in all sorts of ways and when we reconciled, our relationship was better than it had ever been.  This was a big part of why I kept going back - I really thought we would reach a point where we could maintain that but every time, the cycle repeated.  He would 'panic' and start to withdraw and then I would start to feel afraid/anxious and the intimacy would be lost. 

More than mourning the past and present though, I mourn our future.  I mourn the intimate, mature relationship I thought we were going to have.  I mourn being able to go to kids' graduation/wedding etc and be together.  I mourn creating a home where others are welcome and being able to socialise together with friends we've known for 30 years. I mourn so many things that I feel I got a glimpse of but wasn't allowed to keep.

One thing I don't feel is fear  - I have many good things in life just now and a holiday and new job to look forward to.

I do know that the reality is that he was never going to be able to maintain the intimacy with me.  I realise that having admonished me for not sharing my feelings enough, when I did start to do so and wanted to do so, it seemed to make things worse.  I do know that although he seems very happy and settled in new relationship, the chances are that, over time, he will begin to feel unsettled.  I do know that it was not a healthy relationship for some years even though we had many good times together and there was a lot of fun. 

I was at my father-in-law's house yesterday (he is very ill) and saw a wedding invitation.  Didn't look inside but chances are it's from my ex.  I didn't have a strong reaction - was half expecting to see it.  People talk openly about the wedding in front of me (because they are concerned that it's too soon etc and because I probably seem OK).   

It would have been our 25th wedding anniversary in a few weeks and he will be on honeymoon with a new wife.

I am disappointed.  I was feeling so upbeat and looking forward to a more positive future but just feel like curling up and crying tonight. 

Reading this breaks my heart clairedair.   I could tell you how it's way too soon for him.The mistake he's making and all of that,but you know it.

I'm just going to say,you cry all you want to sweetie.Take care of you!

Thanks marbleloser - your kind words are very much appreciated.

Something else I am feeling - betrayed.  Mostly by ex but also by all the messages growing up (life revolved around church/faith) - forgive "seventy times seven", love one another as Jesus loves you, put others first, turn the other cheek, stories of reconciliation and redemption.  Maybe I took this all too much to heart but I thought that love healed.   And my ex is a minister.  Doesn't have own church but works in related field and is very highly regarded.  Friends of ours are getting married later this year and I've heard he will conduct the service.  I will have to sit in pew with his new wife also present and listen to him talk about marriage, vows etc. 

Sorry to be going on and on tonight.  Always feel like I write way too much but it's my way of getting it out of my system. 

Trying really hard to see my part in it all - what I contributed to the dysfunction etc so I can move forward in a healthy way and take responsibility for myself but can't do it tonight.

Hi Clairedair,


Anger can be a useful emotion.  For me, I found it necessary to help burn away some of my attachment.  Anger can motivate you to do things you've resisted for some time, things that might be good for you.  Just make sure your anger doesn't motive you to do unproductive things.

In any case, it's helpful to find safe outlets and vents (perhaps creative outlets) to help you express these necessary emotions as you go through them.


Different people will go through different processes when they are the children of the disordered.  I think it's probably helpful that they will be able to compare and contrast their father's behaviors from yours, now that there is more distance between you two.  Some children will immediately discern which is the more reliable, healthy and stable parent.  Some children may have more issues to work through, after all, they've had all their lives to emulate their father's behaviors.


It is a huge burden to take off of you to no longer be subject to another person's whims and fancies.  Now you just need to take care of your whims and fancies, which may actually prove to be a more difficult task if you are anything like me.   Still you are worth the effort.


It's only embarrassing if you care what other people think.  And the truth is, other people have no clue unless they've had the pleasure of being coupled with a disordered partner.

No need to feel foolish because you were right, he really did love you but his issues got in the way of his ability to love you.  He loved you as much as he was capable.  And he will love the next person as much as he is capable also, but it will be different, because she is a different woman.  And he will be different.  But his disorder will be the same.  And unless she is compatibly dysfunctional, it will only be a matter of time.  Maybe she'll last 25 years, maybe longer, probably shorter.  But not knowing her, it's hard to say.  Whatever it is, it's her path to walk on.


This is a tricky feeling to work through.  To suggest that you were not good enough would imply that you could have been good enough.  Good enough for what?  To cure him of his disorder?  There's nothing you can do to cure him of his mental disorder.  He doesn't even want to accept his mental disorder.  How do you help someone who will not help themselves?

Why is he so happy with someone else?  Because this new person doesn't trigger his disordered feelings so much right now.  What triggers his disordered feelings are feelings of intimacy and family.  They probably barely know each other.  Relative to 25 years, they are complete strangers.  And that's what makes him happy.  Because his disorder isn't driving him (as) nuts... . not yet at least.

How was he able to flip feelings and discard you?  Because he's disordered.  That's what they do.

My understanding of this disorder is that they probably cannot grieve.  As I see it, they can't grieve because they've never grieved.  The first and foremost loss was the loss of their innocence when they were abandoned/betrayed as a toddler.  They never came to terms with that loss.  And because they never came to terms with it, in a sense, that loss from their past dominates their present and future.  Not coming to terms with how they felt abandoned as a child, causes them to see abandonment with anyone and everyone who threatens to be close like family to them.  You don't feel like family with someone you've only known for 6 months.  Give it time.

He cannot grieve.  So he does not grieve for you.  You, however, can grieve.  And so you can get past this loss and this loss might not dominate your choices for your future.  But first you must grieve.


Sure, they sail off into the sunset, but at the end of their journey they end up right where they started.  They will find that they haven't travelled any where, they haven't learned anything, and the past that they are trying to run away from has never left them like a persistent dingle-berry.

We struggle because we can learn from our struggles.  Our struggles will make us stronger, wiser and happier in the long run.  Provided we actually struggle in productive ways.  We are just as capable of dysfunctional behaviors as pwBPD.  We just have different issues.


You grew from your experience.  I believe he did not.


Yes.  These are all things worth mourning.  But there will come a time when your grief becomes bearable.  And then you will be able to invite new grand experiences into your life without that grief to encumber you and distract you.


I think it is reasonable to mark that occasion in a way that is helpful to you personally.  Even if it does end up triggering more feelings.  It may also be helpful to consider celebrating another day which marks the time when you start stepping out of the F.O.G. and into a life that you can fashion for yourself, without the weight of baring someone else's mental illness.

Best wishes, Schwing

CD, I would say you being extremely honest and incredible open to yourself about how you feel right now. You know I believe your post really looks more towards the acceptance you feel. You are no longer in denial about what this r/s was, is, isn't and it speaks volumes.

I sense emotional maturity and growth in your post - you are feeling and you are putting it out there.

To know what you wrote really is 99% of the battle - you have won already.

"but also by all the messages growing up (life revolved around church/faith) - forgive "seventy times seven", love one another as Jesus loves you, put others first, turn the other cheek, stories of reconciliation and redemption.  Maybe I took this all too much to heart but I thought that love healed."

This kept me stuck as well CD.Don't forget though,there's a time to walk away,and shake the dust from your sandals.We can't BE Jesus,or else his sacrifice would be for nothing.

Schwing - I find your posts (not just one here) really insightful, eloquent and very helpful.  Thank you.  I hope one day I can write half as well as you do and not spend 95% of post talking about myself and ex.  That would be a good indication that the fog is behind me and sunny days are the norm.


I am seeing a new T - saw one before and that was life-saving but we spent a lot of that time talking about ways to deal with all the coming/going etc.  I decided to see new T precisely because I was so angry and so unforgiving.  It's been a much more uncomfortable experience with this T but I think necessary.

I know part of the resistance to anger is childhood stuff but I also promised myself, when ex first really raged at me, that I would never be as angry and bitter as him.


I feel guilty about the recycles and about the enabling model I think I have given them but I know I have provided stability as best I can and I know they feel safe enough to talk to me about stuff that I would never have told my parents.  My ex is a loving and affectionate dad and the children are compassionate and wise enough to be able to be angry with him (and me) but also love him (and me!)


I think so too!  I have made some plans for next few months to do things I have wanted to do for a while.  I feel as if I have believed I was someone of worth but not behaved that way?  And been very keen to have someone who did not think himself a person of worth believe that I am of value.  I think I expected too much of him in this respect.


I don't feel this too strongly.  Close family and friends are close enough to know what the reality is (which is why there is concern about his marriage).  They don't know that he would have married another woman he started dating instantly after our first split had he been divorced.  Although I'm a bit dysregulated ( my-issues!) tonight, mostly I don't find myself too caught up in wondering whether this marriage will last 2 months, 2 years or 2 decades because the reality is that even if his relationship with her IS healthy and happy, it hasn't been with me and I want a life again.  I see her as my ticket to freedom.


I look back and see that there was a point of no return for us several years ago.  I don't think now that he was ever going to stay after that (though I think a big part of him probably wanted to - after all that time together, there were too many triggers!).  I think new fiancee is even more of a mother figure than the girlfriend (I was told that I wasn't enough of a mother - to him, not kids).  She is 'new and shiny' so neither of them have hurt each other - yet.  They have worked together a while and that's his justification for the speed of engagement but working with someone and being married to them are two different things!


As well as working on anger with T, I am looking at this very deep 'not good enough' feeling.  My exH is not diagnosed - I was given SWOE by a friend and found these boards and BPD (or traits) was the only thing that made any sense out of what was going on.  But no matter how much I logically understand that there's something going on with him that's more than the diagnosed depression, he just needs to imply that I fell short in some way and I'm scrambling to prove it's not true (not usually to him because I don't want to engage).


Part of what has me so confused at times is that my exH is someone who writes/teaches about grief and takes funerals.  He is full of empathy for others.  He has both counselled and been counselled. Yet, I still maintain that the downward trajectory of our marriage started with the death of his mother years ago.  He dealt with leaving our marriage by instantly becoming involved in a serious relationship and bounced between her and I for years, never actually dealing with the end of either relationship before reconciling with one of us.  And now, when our relationship is finally done, he had someone waiting for him to marry.  His father is seriously ill and part of me wonders if the wedding is a distraction from that (another justification from him re: rush to marry is that it's for his father's sake).  He wrote me a card at the start of one of our recycles that was a quote along the lines of 'that which you would avoid, you carry with you always'.  He knows.  He just doesn't seem to be able to follow through and it was never my job to make him change or try to help with this even though I've acted as if it was.

I have felt this time that I am moving through grief in a different way.  Before, i would start to grieve our relationship but within weeks or months it would be apparent that he was wanting to connect again so the 'grief process' would be put on hold.  Then we'd have the 'resurrection' followed by yet another 'death'.   This time, I knew it to be over because I was done so the grieving has had a different quality to it (e.g more anger).


I have lost a great deal since everything imploded -not just my husband but a home that was a dream come true, a good career, and a lot of money.  However, I have also gained a lot as a result - a better knowledge of self, an ability to express myself in a way I couldn't before (still working on that!), a deeper relationship with some family and friends. I am trying to continue to learn from my struggles as you suggest, Schwing.  

I am definitely capable of dysfunctional behaviours - it has been disconcerting to realise the extent of this in recent years but illuminating nonetheless!  Mainly, these centre around a lack of boundaries (it's not just that I have weak boundaries - I don't seem to really know what my boundaries are at times).


I had booked the week of the anniversary off work but have got a new job since then (which is a really good thing) so will probably be working that day. Not sure what to do.  I feel that I have undertaken so many 'rituals' over the years - the signing of separation papers, our 20th anniversary, the signing of the divorce papers (had to do this more than once) etc.  By the time I got the divorce decree I was fed up of rituals and just filed it and went to work.  

This weekend, whilst he is getting married, I have planned to be with a good friend somewhere that has absolutely no connection to ex.  I didn't think I would be feeling too bad as I have been so upbeat but now I am glad that she invited me to stay with her.  

Feeling more at peace tonight now that I've written another novel!  Writing is one the creative outlets for my anger.  Just bashing the keys on the keyboard helps (I can type fast!).

Thanks Clearmind - I think one of the reasons I am feeling more 'grief-stricken' is that I have been more accepting of the reality of the dysfunction and that it's not going to change.  A hard re-adjustment to make.   I think a knee-jerk reaction was to feel I needed to rewrite my entire adult life (met ex at 18) but I've calmed down a bit since then.  I've been in denial about the future more than anything - believing that things could and would change because we were both seeing T or both having insights or both trying so hard.  But they didn't and they won't.  I think some friends believe my change in attitude relates to his getting married but it actually happened the day I realised he'd 'disappeared' again without having a conversation with me.  Finally, something I couldn't get over.


Thanks marbleloser - I don't think I am quite ready to be an atheist but I just can't sit in church just now.  I tried to go a couple of weeks ago for first time in a long time and the minister who took part of the service was the minister who married us (out of retirement to help out) and one of the hymns was from our wedding.  The sermon was about reconciliation and that just about finished me! Haven't been back... .

Talking of sandals, I am off to order some online because I just booked a holiday last week - somewhere warm and scenic - and will need those sandals!

"Talking of sandals, I am off to order some online because I just booked a holiday last week - somewhere warm and scenic - and will need those sandals!"

I like your style!  |iiii

Hi clairedair!

Sorry to hear that time of their wedding has come and that you are dealing with a roller coaster of emotions right now.  I know this weekend is going to be so hard.  Keep fighting for yourself through it and remind yourself that these feelings shall pass.  There will be a day when it won't be so intense and you will smile again.   

Thinking of you 

Claire--just wanted to say that nearly every word of this speaks for me too (except mine was a much shorter term r/s). All the emotions you called out, for the reasons you said.  Including the sense of betrayal about being the kind of person who would give this a repeated chance in all good faith, taking risks & bringing your best self repeatedly to the table, only to have that not be nearly enough.

I respect you enormously. I hope life brings you happiness is a large measure to counterbalance this legitimate & appropriate sorrow & regret & frustration.

Hi changingtimes - good to hear from you again.  I like the idea of 'fighting for myself'!  Feel like I've been fighting for the relationship (and fighting BPD?) for so long.

p&c - lovely to have someone say they respect me when I have been struggling to respect myself at times and when my ex's actions have felt like he had very little respect for me.  Thanks also for the comment about legitimate sorrow.  Was moaning to T that if my husband had died in October, no-one would have an issue with me still being 'up and down' eight months later.  But because he left, I'm supposed to magically be OK as I shouldn't have any feelings for someone who treated me badly.  It's not that simple.

Time to go and set off on trip to see my friend.  I am feeling sick and tired this morning (ex phoned last night and that really didn't help my mood) but also looking forward to seeing my friend very much.

My youngest agreed with me last night that I have generally been more relaxed and more excited by life than I have for a long time so that was a boost to know that my children were seeing me happier.  I need to hold on to that and just get through this weekend.

Thinking of you this weekend, Claire.  Seems like getting past this particular marker may be helpful.  Remember, this marriage is a desperate way for your exH to tell himself that everything is going to be OK.  Because he really wants it to be.  He needed a new theory and for a time, this marriage is that theory.  He's done the same before -- you know that -- and been unable to commit to genuine companionship, where things are tough and imperfect and confusing and yes, sometimes disappointing.

As far as I can tell, you really couldn't be in a healthier place right now.  If you felt all fine with this, that would be very strange and would reflect that you were unable to register and appreciate loss.

Hope you manage to have a nice time this weekend.