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My exbf left me over 4 months ago out of the blue- like that was not enough to hurt me, he got engaged to a new woman who he met 1.5 months of the the breakup and is going to get married to he next month. Shattered my heart and killed me... . like someone threw a huge boulder on my chest.

Our families met last august and we decided then to get engaged in Janurary this year followed by a March-April wedding. Which never happened - background like i shared in my previous posts would not get into details. His mother immediately added me on FB last august, and she is still on my friends list. I know she was one of the persons who quickly asked her son to 'move on' when i called off the wedding last september until we resolved the issues that caused that decision at the first place. She was one my biggest worries - she always judged my behavior (read from his emails which i found one day) and i strongly feel she did not like me as i was too independent and was controlling her son.

It's only my sense of goodness that i did not unfriend her after everything that has happened, probably because i do not want to disrespect her. His best friends are my friends on FB too - i like them as they are good people and have been good to me even when i called them immediately after he broke up with me - to take their help in making him reconcile and reconsider our r/s. But at the end of they are his best buddies. And i do not want to be rude to remove them just because he wronged me... . and put me in this terrible black hole, where it feels like h*ll  :'(

What do i do?

crystalclear, there is a way to both hide your posts and also restrict what they see if they look at your profile.  If you do that, then there's not much need to unfriend or block them.  Would that make you feel comfortable?

Leftbehind- what seems to bother me is not that they can see my posts and updates but why do I think about whatb others think of me... . why am I wanting to impress her even now? Why do I want show that I am happy after all what he did to me? But reality is different. And why hasn't she unfriended me... .

Do not like this... . I dislike her... . she fueled the fire... . she questioned him of my character.,... . just because I did not tell my dad of our r/s with him.

She knows nothing what her son treatment me like or his disorder. Nor do his friends.

I chose do to that... . block her circle of people. In my case it was because she used FB to track me and find out things about where I was etc.

But It´s not uncommon for people to do this according to my Therapist and also sometimes it helps to maintain NC policy.

But of course it sends a message to people who will not understand why you do this... . so I guess there is no right or wrong answer here.

i think you should un-friend anyone who is no longer your friend. and block anyone who you suspect will snoop your profile or who you don't want to see any postings from.

i unfriended my ex and her whole family after a failed fake recycle. i loved and respected her family (and i feel they love and respected me), however i knew personally that i would got to her family's pages when i got weak and wanted to find out about my ex's life. so i needed to do this for myself.

initially when i broke up with my ex, i sent her grandmother, mother and sister messages on fb to tell them how much i appreciated their love over the years and for welcoming me into the family. i'm so glad i did this (although i feel my ex felt as if i was somehow trying to betray her or turn them against her? crazy? yeees!   ). later on when i unfriended my ex gf and the rest of her family i didn't send another message as i felt i had already spoken my mind and given them thanks. i'm hoping they don't take it personally but i don't worry about this i believe we had a mutual respect and they are ok with it.

crystalclear, perhaps you could do this--choose all the people who you are going to un-friend. then, send each of them a message about how you appreciated having fun with them and/or their support. then let them know that you are unfriending them to give yourself some space to heal and grow; that you wish them well and want them to know you are doing this for good instead of bad.

as far as your ex's mom though, just unfriend her ass   she doesn't sound like your friend at all so why front, right?

how much pain from emotional poison have you suffered from not trusting your instincts and doing something for your own personal gain... . in the fog of trying to help or not offend others? now is the time to be strong, find out what you need and heal yourself without worry of others. some of the pain you may be experiencing is trying to alert you, saying "crystalclear, please please take care of you!" it is time to be selfish and healthy, later when you are super strong, proud and fully whole you can consider others again... . but don't let this cloud the work you need to do for yourself, right now.

i should also point out that there is so much fear for me to admit to and focus on--the fear of completely letting go. do you have fears crystalclear that unfriending these people will remove any last ties you have to your ex? is it possible that perhaps the bigger issue is not that you're worried about offending anyone, rather the fear of letting go is stopping you from giving the separation you need? i hope i'm being as gentle as possible here--i just know for me personally i was (and am still to some degree) dealing with the fear of separation. i was scared to unfriend my ex and her family, b/c, boohoohoohoohoo  :'( that meant that we were no longer friends  :'(.

 it's scary i know!

i actually have to thank my anger! for providing me with the energy and impetus to let go and do the unfriending. after the fake recycle, being used and treated disrespectfully yet again by the ex, i did the un-friending in one swoop. cut off the ex and her immediate family. we had just got done with a phone call which wasn't terrible or heated in any way, but seething with disrespect from her. and i'm so happy i was able to direct my anger towards the healthy step of pushing her further away from me like this--the anger was telling me to set a new boundary. thanks anger for that!  :)

CC, what is your gut telling you to do?

goldylamont,

I have never unfriended anyone apart from my ex bf last december when i was frustrated with his behavior and he said he had enough of our r/s (i went all the way to his country to work things out). Even if these are just acquaintances, i never saw any harm in retaining anyone including his mom until i found out what she thought of me and how she ignored when i was pleading her for guidance and help to fix the r/s. She told on me to her son when ever i tried contacting her, and he would call me and chide me or ask me to never contact his folks - like he never did when he was crying out to my sister at 3am, to convince me to reconcile with him last year.

I looked up to his mom as she is a strong woman and well accomplished lady in her field... . ironically she supports and runs organisation for 'abuse against women' and 'women empowerment'... . She is ignorant about her own son's behavior towards women in his life, emotionally (mostly) and physically (luckily it was long distance) abusing me. He proudly told  me he was an MCP - and think women at work are ineffecient and a waste to the organisation who can only whine and cry if asked to do anything. I was sick of this attitude and his outlook. I have no clue about how he treated his ex gfs but he always abandoned a few and was dumped by a few.

I think it probably is the fear of complete detachment coupled with wanting to be the bigger person by not unfriending her - someday i think she would delist me of her FB. OR is she trying to make a point by not doing so... . my sister had unfriended him last year itself when she knew what he was putting me through... . he noticed that and pointed out saying 'we (he and his family) don't do such things' like it's a sin or something... .

Clearmind,

My gut feeling is more anger dominated... . which means to kick his mom out of my FB but this 'so called saintly' side tells me to be a indifferent to her. There is a push that wants me to tell his mom all that the abusive/alcoholic side to her son. She considers herself and her family to be elite, well reputed in 'their' societly... . and considers herself to be a rational - strong woman and told her son to 'be practical in life always' and to dump this r/s and get married to a 'better girl'... . She looked down upon my family as we are not that well off financially... . But i am proud of my family and myself... .

CC, I really do understand. Anger is good/Anger is OK. Good decision come from anger. its likely you are unaccustomed to being OK with expressing anger.

I think our rational side tells us that Mom maybe won't listen and will inevitably support her son over you.

Its great you are proud of your family and you - kudos to you - what would the wise CC say to herself in this proud moment?

I wish i could say - i will let my anger help me do what i did to my exbf last - unfriend (his mom) on FB.

I dislike being the 'good person' at times. What 'good' did i get from being the good one in the r/s?

Too caught up between 'the good and the real' - why should i care what she thinks of me, or my ex bf thinks of me?

I do not like to be remembered as a 'rogue' but at the same time be the weaker one after everything he did to me.

Stop2think - DITTOO... . every word!

did you unfriend her?

I feel the exact same thing, i wish i could say that too... . Anger is such a strong weapon isn't it?

Did his mom try to push you away from him? I contacted her a couple of times and even wrote to her and his sister but they ignored me completely  :'(

Did he ask you not to contact his folks etc?

No crystalclear - i haven't unfriended her for the reasons i mentioned... . just stuck in thought process i guess.

She was one of the reasons i why i felt unhappy thinking being married to him. I just never got good vibes from her - she is very dominating by nature and he is what he is (professionally) because of her help. She is quite a influencial person with a wide network in the corporate society. Which he benefited from all the time, he likes power and took her help to hop jobs. He was so cocky and boastful like 'he' has connections in every country at top levels and every industry. This translated into the final decision he made, dumped me as he mother did not any longer approve of me - and helped him realise that i was not a 'good fit'.

stop2think and crystalclear, all of this talk of mothers and their power over their sons (or the reverse?) is really quite interesting.

stop2think, you mention:


you can do this. use your imagination as a guide. imagine the worst outcome of being the 'rogue', then simply accept this outcome as a possibility. then act. you'll find most often that the outcome is far more tepid than the worst outcome that you imagined. take note--powerful people make decisions like this every day, and this is how they 'win' and wield their power. would it feel better for you, if you did the unfriending or if she did? b/c i can tell you now if she felt like it she wouldn't think twice about your feelings if she felt it would help her in any way to unfriend you. she aint your friend? why be friends? ... . unless of course you depend on this woman for a job and need to use her for some reason, i say drop her like a hot rock.

powerful people think of the worst possible outcome, accept this as a possibility, and still act in their best interest nonetheless.

crystalclear:


whoa. wow. ok. crystalclear the fact you put this into words means that it's already a tangible, conscious thought at this point. why not fully trust yourself on this and act on it? do not put an enemies emotions above your own true integrity. you already know the deal, right?

so, b/c both of you mentioned that these are powerful women, etc. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble professionally b/c of this. if your job is on the line or something, then perhaps you could justify lying to the world that you actually like these people (b/c you respect them so little but your career so much). but really if the only danger is perhaps offending them? or looking like you are crass? to me you owe it to yourself to act on the truth that your integrity is trying to (re)inform you of.

you're not lying to yourselves about how you feel about your ex and their moms... . why lie to the world? in this case i think it's wrong to frame dishonesty as "the higher road". just my opinion as i don't know all the details. hope this helps! stay stroong and be the powerful women that you are

goldylamont - Thank you, really!

You made some great points. I am done being nice to someone who did no good to me. She never cared about me, even as a human being who was crying out to her for help!

Rationally, we all take sides of our dear ones in a fight - but we atleast care to hear out when someone you know is reaching out to you for something to talk about. We dont tell on them or ignore them continuously.

I have had enough of my exbf and his family. I don't care when they never cared for me or mine- as simple as that. Just calling oneself 'broad minded' does not make them one.

If we cannot be human and show a bit of compassion and care - then we are as good as bodies in boxes. And i do not want to be associated to these so-called human beings in anyway.