BPDFamily.com

I strongly suspect my mother is uBPD. Mom is "old world Portuguese" -- this woman will NEVER see a mental health expert. She thinks people are either "crazy" or not. (I once asked her to see a therapist; she told me I was the sick one.) I have this ongoing need to diagnose my mom -- I have so much anger about my childhood, I just want an explanation! After researching BPD online, I've discovered lots of criticism about "labeling" people merely from Internet info. But what option do you have when the person in question REFUSES to acknowledge any problem? I cannot force my mother to go to a psychiatrist.

I know many of you have experience with confirmed BPD folks. Here is an account of my experience with my mother. Does this sound BPD to you or am I barking up the wrong tree? I'll try to be objective as possible:

~ Mom married and divorced 3 times, with no relationship lasting more than 4 years. (One lasted 3 months.) Each ended in increasingly dramatic divorces. Mom has a Disney-like view of marriage. Her goal in life is to get married and be "June Cleaver." At 60 years old, this is STILL her dream.

~ In between marriages and up through her 40s, mom invited a parade of boyfriends to live at our home. Most of these men she barely knew. She would have inappropriately loud sex with them while my brother and I would try to block out the noise. She would praise these men, saying that they were rich and now our dreams would all come true! It was clear to us kids that these guys were mostly losers and liars, but we were NEVER to question or criticize. When these men disappeared, mom would describe in detail how awful the man truly was! Every Prince Charming turned out to be a villain in the end.

~ Mom would spontaneously buy us pets. We would come home and there'd be a new puppy! After a couple months, the dog would disappear with a flimsy explanation. ("A friend at work REALLY wanted the dog." I can't tell you how many animals came and went at our home. Once these pets became inconvenient, they would simply disappear.

~ Mom's childlike behavior extended to buying binges and skipping school/work to go to Disneyland. As children we LOVED this spontaneous fun. As we aged, we soon realized it wasn't normal. Especially since my mother was continuously calling my grandparents, asking for money and telling lies about our financial situation. My mother's purse has been "stolen" countless times. My grandparents also funded many non-existent school functions and other fake needs.

~ My mother would often humiliate me in public. As a little girl I broke a wine bottle in a grocery store -- she screamed at me and dragged me out of the store. At Sunday School the nun taking role overlooked me and marked me "absent." My mother was told that I was missing, so she stomped into a room of baffled 10 year olds screaming at the top of her lungs "SHE IS RIGHT THERE!" I was dragged out in tears. Once I accidentally locked myself out of the house. I walked to my Uncle's nearby house and waited to be picked up. She arrived and, with 10 relatives looking on, she slapped me full in the face HARD. I was 12. (Everyone just stared in stunned silence and disbelief.)

~ Mom once staged a suicide attempt. I say "staged" because she knew that my grandparents and I would arrive at the house in 20 minutes. This was after her 3-month marriage went south, so she dragged out her wedding regalia and laid it all out. She then took a bunch of pills and wrote a suicide note. (Something along the lines of "Never forget me!" We arrived on schedule and, since my grandparents didn't speak a word of English, I had to call 911 and describe the situation, down to reading the pill bottle and answering questions as best as a 13-year old could. The ambulance arrived, she had her stomach pumped -- that was that. This incident basically ended my childhood, however my mother has pretended for 20+ years that it never happened.

~ As an adult, my mother still presents me with sacks of junk she has bought "just for me" -- she is completely insulted if I don't praise the unwanted "gifts." She makes me promise I will keep it all. (I then give everything to Salvation Army, where it probably came from.)

~ Old age has removed my mom's sexual compulsion and aggression. They have been replaced by binge-eating, anxiety and depression. She is now obese and plagued with health problems. All she talks about are her "terrible genes" and how unlucky she is to be so unhealthy. Nothing is her fault. If I'm not sympathetic enough for her, she breaks down into tears and bemoans the fact that her children don't care. She is completely delusional about my childhood -- she loves to say "I sacrificed everything for you kids!"

So there you have it. Sorry this is so long -- it does feel surprisingly good to write this down though. Feel free to weigh in if this sounds like BPD to you. Of course I'll never have resolution, but I'd sure love your opinions.

Hi Levi78,

*welcome* I'm glad you're here but sorry things are so tough right now. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of tough memories. You're not alone here. I'm very sorry you went through abuse and witnessed such difficult things as a child. It must have been very scary calling 911 for your mom when you were only 13.   So many of us have been through similar experiences with our relatives suffering from BPD including suicidal ideation, public humiliation, rages, and other erratic behavior. How much contact do you have with her now? How are you doing with taking care of yourself?

There's a lot of information here to help you. These links might be a good place to start:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-what-is-borderline-personality.html)

BPD: What is it? How can I tell? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0)

Take care of yourself. Sending you much caring for your day. Keep posting you will fit here.

Your mom sounds so much like my dBPD mom!

My mom was married and divorced 3 times. She let guys in and out of the house, had loud sex, we couldn't say a bad thing about them until they left. Then they were the evil guys.

She had huge spending sprees, and was a hoarder. Lied to charities and family about needing money.

Got a dog that disappeared less than a month later.

Super unhealthy and obese and blames it on her parents and their genes.

Sounds so familiar to me.

Scarlet, thank you for the kind words. I'm very grateful to have found this forum and the vast amounts of info collected here. It's looking more and more like I've pinpointed my mother's condition. (Shared this site with my brother who agrees that BPD matches up perfectly with mom.)

I still have semi-regular contact with my mother, although she is always the one who calls. I usually put the phone on "speaker" and continue with the laundry while she drones on about her health. I have long ago given up on discussing the past with her. She is delusional. I treat her like a crazy stranger who I must be cordial with. Whenever I feel my patience running thin, I usually pretend to have a toddler emergency and get off the phone.

Incidentally, my brother is completely estranged from her. She dramatically disowned him when he inherited money from my grandparents. He was happy to oblige!

WHOA. Crazy that your mom is so similar! Now that your mom is diagnosed BPD, did she actually accept the truth or try to make amends and/or change? I suspect my mom wouldn't try to change at all, even if a doctor confirmed the mental illness. She might go to therapy briefly, blame my dead grandparents for her problems and quit after a week.

I basically just feel ripped off and am waiting for my mom to die of a heart attack. (Brutal, I know.) I can't relate to people who love their mothers AT ALL. Mother's Day is my least favorite holiday and I have 2 small kids! My husband & I joke all the time that I'm going to burn down Hallmark someday. 

Levi78,

Yay, I'm glad this site is helping you. It's tough when mom wants to discuss lots of negative things. Putting the phone on speaker and giving a reason for having to go sound like they help you stay detached and still let her feel listened to.

There's a few cool tools here that are really helpful as well. When your mom wants to discuss negative topics, and you are really wanting to hear some happiness for a change, you could try using DEARMAN.COMMUNICATION: DEARMAN Technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0) In short, you describe what's going on, express your feelings, assert your wishes, reinforce why it's a positive thing, stay mindful of what's going on, appear confident, and negotiate. It might make things easier for your conversations. :)

No, my mom takes no medication, does not see a therapist anymore, and is worse than ever. Sorry for the bad news. I don't think BPD's will ever admit there is something wrong with THEM. THEY are PERFECT, the whole world is the problem... . at least in my experience.

You're waiting for the heart attack... . I'm waiting for the uncontrolled diabetes to take a foot or a leg and then she'll ask to move in with me. NOT going to happen... .

It's as I feared then. A medical expert confirms BPD and there's still no real acceptance or positive action. Ugg.

The diabetes is out of control with my mom too. Her health problems are ALL she can talk about -- I don't think she has anything else to offer socially. She especially loves to whine about the double knee replacement that she will need soon. (Her obesity has essentially destroyed her knees.)

As you can see, I have little or no sympathy for the woman. She is a crazy stranger I tolerate. God bless nursing homes! Like you, I would NEVER allow her to live with me again, motherhood be damned.