BPDFamily.com

Hi guys :)

I won't go into my story too much its very similar to everyone else's. I knew my BPDexgf a little for a couple of years but we were together for about 6 months. All the stages were the same (idealization devaluation ect) and the situations with lies ect and then we finally broke up. I wasn't perfect i sometimes got a little cross with her lack of communication as i didn't understand the disorder at the time but apart from that I was always so loving and very giving. The whole situation devastated me.

Anyway its 5 months on and almost 3 since I have heard from her. Ive blocked her social media (she unblocked me possibly trying to stalk) I think she is seeing someone else and has completely forgotten me. Forgiving her was not the hard part at all more forgiving myself for going through what I had for so long but after hitting rock bottom I leant how to love myself and do things for myself again. I suppose some real positives came from losing the girl I thought was the one.

The support here has been amazing i can't thank the community here enough. 5 months on the only issue I have i suppose is "accepting the apology i never got" I know my ex now wasn't right for me and she can never have a stable relationship but the pain it cause still hangs on a little and it makes me feel guilty to be honest that I still think about it daily. At least it doesn't interfere with my life anymore. I Won't let it but im just curious on how I can maybe move to the final stage of moving on. I know we only need to validate ourselves but just like a few others here i wish she knew what she had done to me or at the very least appreciated how kind and giving i was to her. I know final acceptance is accepting these things wont happen but its still hard.

Thanks again much love.

Hi snappafcw!

I'm still in the earlier stages of the healing process, but I wrote an apology letter to myself from my ex hoping it would make me feel better.  Perhaps you should try that.

Hi snappafcw,


This is a hard one to get past.  Part of the reason why it is so difficult is that early on our "recovery" process, we're still dealing with a big cognitive dissonance: the person we thought they were/that we fell in love with, versus, the disordered person they actually are/the disorder we're still trying to understand.

If she knew what she had done to you, and was in a position to apologize for her actions, then she wouldn't be disordered in the first place.  But because she is disordered, she has blotted out of her mind and distorted what she had done, and what you had done for that matter.  This is exactly why she will keep making the same kinds of mistakes and go through the same patterns in her relationships over and over again: because you can't learn from experience if you can't recall your experience accurately.

And this is their paradox that they have to live with: they just want to get away from the pain of abandonment and betrayal, and want to "finally meet" someone who won't abandon and betray them.  But because they have yet to face this pain from their past, they will keep finding it over and over in all their current and future (and past) relationships.  Some kinds of pains and injury (perhaps all kinds) we cannot run away from try as we might.  Our minds (unconsciously) find a way to dish it out until we stare it square in the face and work through it.  This is true whether or not you have BPD.  

If we don't find a way to come to terms with our own pain from this experience, then it will haunt us in the same way (for as long as it needs to).  Some times coming to terms with pain (particularly emotional pain) means giving yourself the chance to *feel* it.  And allowing it to pass.  Because it will pass, it always does (unless we get in the way); and everything else is only a distraction.  Only bite as much as you can chew, but keep on biting until there's nothing left.

Eventually your cognitive dissonance will resolve.  And hopefully you will accept (more) that she is really the disordered person you've come to understand -- and you will feel indifference or slight sympathy for this person.  And you will mourn the loss of the person you once fell in with.  And you'll still feel that loss, but it won't be too much of a weight.

Best wishes, Schwing

It's futile to beat up on yourself about feeling guilty about wanting an apology. 5 months isn't long and there's still some emotional healing to process so continue to take it one day at a time. |iiii . We all want to be "over" them but it will happen on its own time and you can't force it. Wanting an apology makes you human.

I think the idea of writing an "apology letter" from your ex by you is an awesome idea. That way you can write the things you would have liked her to express (like appreciating you and validating your kind heart and the fact that you were good to her). This gives you the opportunity to express your feelings and make peace with what your ex is not capable of doing. BPD's are capable of saying sorry but they aren't capable of making amends even though we all fantasize about them being able to do just that. If they were capable of making amends they would have the insight necessary to correct their horrible actions and they wouldn't be classified as mentally ill. They run away from SHAME... . often compounding it... . so there's no owning of their actions. Just projection and repression.

Waiting for an apology from a mentally ill person is waisted time. Most mentally ill people lack insight into their condition and don't even understand themselves let alone understand how they treat others. It's often their blind spot and why they have little to no introspection.

I really believe in writing letters as a healing tool. Our ex's cannot give us anything because they are sick in the head and heart.

Thanks for your kind response. For the record I feel great sympothy for my Ex girlfriend and wish nothing but happiness for her despite what she put me through. I guess I just look at it now like the girl I loved has died. Even seeing the odd picture of her on social media more than proved she is a unrecognizeable person now (new mirror). I guess the hardest thing for me is being kind to and forgiving myself. I accept my part in this and although I accept she is disordered I need to stop beating myself up. I didn't deserve the lies, disrespectful crying out for attention, secrecy and silent treatment.

Id love you get perspective from someone suffering BPD that has had some treatment.

":)ear J,

Im so very sorry for everything that has happened and the pain ive caused you. i know what a wonderful person you are and that you didnt deserve to meet someone like me. That though, was the problem J. I couldnt handle being with someone as amazing as you and I was terrified you were going to leave me. You really did treat me like a princess despite everything i said to you. You were simply too good for me J.

As you are well aware, I suffer from a personality disorder that controls my life. I am not capable of taking any responsibility for my behaviour or my actions and so i had to blame you instead. I know deep down that you did nothing wrong and that it was I that was the problem for sabotaging our relationship but i cant help how i react. The closer & more intimate we became the further i had to push you away, but please know that everytime i said i love you, i meant it.

Since we split J, ive had to paint you black because for me it is the only way to survive. You are the most loving, caring man i ever met and its such a shame that i wasnt emotionally mature enough to appreciate it. I just hope one day you find someone that will.

All my love C."



lol lol lol lol lol lol

Think im gonna call this 'the letter that never got posted' haha. It is actually quite therapeutic writing an apology letter on behalf of your ex. For those that havent tried it... . try it!

Thanks for posting I feel myself healing reading that :)

I am coming up on 5 months of NC with my ex.  The last time I spoke to her was January 5th.  I have made some great strides, no doubt, but lately I feel like I'm going through another big wave of pain.  I keep thinking about the wonderful side I saw in her and idealizing that.  I find myself wanting to think I'll never find a woman as beautiful as she was to me.  I need to grieve some more, and I've already grieved quite a lot. 

Like others mentioned, she is probably incapable of making an amends (a change) without some serious work on her part.  I like the letter j4c posted.  It's important for me to forgive myself for my part, the hurt I caused (because I did cause some hurt), and forgive myself for not having better boundaries. 

I wanted to believe something that was not the reality.  I wanted to believe that she wasn't disordered, that she didn't have an alcohol problem, that she didn't really mean it when the switch flipped and she went completely cold on me, and that she had empathy when she wasn't showing any. 

I was hurt badly and my heart was broken.  I am still hurting and healing from this, and I will be for a while.  5 months is really not that long in the big scheme of things.  But it is a good bit of distance, and it sounds like you have come a long way and are on the right path.  It helps me to accept the lessons and gifts from this relationship rather than look at it as something negative.  It helped me open my eyes to changes I need to make in me.  This is not easy by any stretch.  I wish you peace.