BPDFamily.com

Almost 8 months out. I fell into some rumination last day and posted how painful things were near the end (see Vexxing Question ... . )

I must confess I did take revenge right at the end and (I almost want to don't want to admit) it felt good - really good. In fact I feel it was really critical in reclaiming my self esteem and power.

The short story is: It was a classic BPD r/s (honeymoon then devaluation) that lasted a year. She had run away back to her ex hubi while I was out of town. I got a Dear John email telling me she had run but was returning to town to pack her things and abandon her house in a few weeks. I was shattered and apprehensive of her return.

In that period I had a What the heck awakening and saw that I had been in an emotional abusive relationship (insightful reading on the web). I was still reeling but my anger was building.

When she came back she wanted to see me. She had some weird ideas - I think she wanted to have both me and her hubi as lovers (she once told me she saw marriage as two or More people in a relationship). I was conflicted as to even seeing her face after her betrayal but I let her stay at my place as her place had no utilities (still kind after the abuse?)

The last night she was both mean and telling me she still loved me - my brain was being ripped in half. She would not explain her running away and I was afraid to ask the question (fear of a hurtful rage - everything wrong in the r/s had been my fault).

In the morning I woke up and the house was cold. I got up and found the back door wide open - my three indoor cats were gone. A wave of emotion swept over me: SHE DID IT AGAIN - she ran away in the middle of the night! The FINAL abandonment! I felt like puking - a huge body reaction.

It was still dark out and I called the cats and got them inside. I looked up to the dark sky and noticed three bright planets and the moon formed a perfect line. Somehow that seemed significant. Something was in alignment in the cosmos.

I got back inside and went into the living room. THERE SHE WAS still sleeping on my couch! It hit me ... . she had gone outside for a smoke and not latched the door and the wind had blown it open.

I looked at her sleeping peacefully ... . I felt a wave of cool anger start in my toes and creep up to my head. Intuitively I knew this was my moment to reclaim my soul.

":)F ... . wake up." (she was not a morning person)

"Yes?"

"You left the back door open and my cats got out"

"Oh ... . you love your cats ... . "

"That's OK - they came back. But you need to go right now - I will not longer tolerate your crap. GTFO. You have 2 minutes to get out."

I said this all in a calm voice - I really could not believe the words were coming out of my mouth - it was like I was out of my body watching myself.

I went into my bedroom and did a little victory dance. I heard her shuffling about and then the door close.

A few hours later I got an email: "Goodbye. I can't believe how cruel you are (a little projection!) and I never want to hear from you ever again."

I have the odd moment where I feel remorseful - that was not a nice way to wake another human being up especially someone who had childhood trauma. But for the most part I am glad and proud. I finally stood my ground and put up a sharp boundary - long overdue.

I have not heard from her in almost 8 months and I have not contacted her. I thank god that she is 300 miles away. I know if I hadn't taken this action things would have been weird and even more painful.

It was like an amputation of a diseased limb. I still feel phantom pain - it is slowly fading away but still pops up. Part of me still loves her but I know I can never have contact with her.

I wish her well and hope she gets help - that's her responsibility. Mine is working on my stuff - codependency and adult child stuff that came to the surface in the r/s. And, do you know what, I am grateful for the relationship and feel it was a gift from my higher power - the lasted chapter in my Heroes Journey.