BPDFamily.com

Hi its me again,

In 3 days hopefully I will be out of my abusive marriage, and I will do it secretly as he is over controlling and time to time violent towards me.

This morning he woke up moody, said he will not come home and I should be happy with my new boyfriend (What the heck!) and that as soon as he gets his salary he will send me back to my home country. This is his new tactic as hoping this would scare me off. He has no idea I am still in touch with my family and they know all the abuse and they are supporting me emotionally and financially.

What I have understood here, mostly BPD exes disappear into cloud if they are the ones who left the r/s but if they are dumped they can be persistent in keeping contact and can make serious harrasment. Is that a correct observation? He always told me he can't leave his country but since I came here I found out many critical lies he already told me so I cannot be sure if that's true or not.

He went to his friends birthday party the other night and there he smoked drugs, knowing this would make me so angry. From that night he keeps texting but I dunno who is the one he is texting (and tbh I don't care anymore) and this morning he informed me he will not come back home and that he doesn't want me anymore. This not coming home thing is new, although he said he hates me, will be better off without me and when I accept it he always denied seperation and said we cant be away from each other.

So my question is: Shall I expect a full blown attack to me, family and friends or maybe I should hope for good NC from him as he has huge ego and always went NC out of sudden to his exes? Thou prolly I will be the only girl who ever will dump him btw, he was so proud with that!

I would say prepare for all contingencies, but don't frighten yourself unnecessarily by "what if he... . and then I... . " scenarios.  Calmly prepare for all of them, then begin your exist steps, knowing you have plans in place.  Be safe, don't be alone, don't let him know where you are. 

Mine was more hurt than angry.  It was his worst nightmare--that I would leave him.  He wasn't expecting it.  We recycled off and on and he was never violent toward me physically again, nor did he break anything in my presence.  I wish I could have left another way, but my therapist convinced me that he was too unpredictable and my safety and perhaps my life were in jeopardy if I told him privately. 

What helped was I called on long-suffering friends to help me, and I am blessed that they did.  Have emergency numbers on your speed dial if you have a cell phone, and keep it with you.  Have friends who are expecting to hear from you at specific times. Be very careful, but you may be surprised as I was at the... . deflating for want of a better word.  I hope you are. 

Keep us posted!

Well once you've gone No Contact most abusive controlling men will not take losing control for good lightly. Especially if they are suffering with BPD/NPD. Expect an Extinction Burst and loads of manipulation and guilt tripping. Some will even threaten to kill themselves.

What's most important is sticking to your decision to leave and not waivering.  This is your offense. Your defense is your support system, calling 911 if necessary, and in worst case scenarios a restraining order especially since he's proven he's capable of violence.

Are you really done done? Your incentive to leave cannot be to punish or get revenge. Otherwise he will call your bluff and fake promises of changing until he is back in control with the puppet strings upper hand.  All that stuff about not wanting you anymore is pure BS and is totally about getting a reaction out of you to see if you still care enough to fit yourself in his mentallt ill matrix. My ex did the same thing and its all childish mind games.

Leaving an abuser takes courage and I applaud you but when we decide to split it's rarely ever peaceful or amicable.

Are you going back to your home country Simona?  Will be harder for him to get in contact if you are.

I've been thinking of you a lot the past few days and hoping you are safe.

Please please please check in and let us know you get out ok xxx

I am really done done, there is no way for me to take all this drama anymore. You are right about the real cause of the I don't want you anymore behavior. When I stay calm when he does it then he loses more, and if I show any reaction (being sad, getting angry, upset etc) he gets happy and feels he is still loved. So I sent him a message, more like an ultimatum if he doesn't come home he will never be accepted back and he came like nothing ever happened. Next day he made another dramatic fight but same old stuff.


mango_flower thanks for the concern, I will eventually go back to my home country but now the route is kinda indirect one. I will fly to a European country, from there to an Asian one and from there to my home country. We didn't want to risk to have two stops in this country so had to take the first direct flight out of here. Which was to Germany, and then found another flight to somewhere else and another one to my home place. Costed a lot, will visit three countries in a day to reach the fourth one but all in all I hope it will worth it.

He is suspicious that I am up to something and everyday checking history, browsing my messages in facebook, trying to hack my emails. Last night he banned me to use laptop till I am done with my housework duties, today he was more normal as there is a revolution happening in Turkey and he knows I have many relatives friends over there. I will leave on Monday, prolly that day and the day after I cannot be able to come online to update but as soon as I am in more normal conditions will post here. xx