BPDFamily.com

Hey all- just registered.  I stumbled upon this site two months ago or so but didnt pay much heed.  Wish I had.  Would have maybe been 2 months less of pain.  But, in my usual fashion, I have to learn the hard lessons on my own, I can't take anyone else's word on it.

A little background:

-She is the first and only girl I have ever dated

-Met my BPD ex when she was 21 and I was 19.  She is now 22 and I 20.

-We both attend the same college, she had just transfered to it this year and we met 3 days before classes started

-Immediately started dating and dated through the school year, it finally "ending" (we broke up NUMEROUS times throughout, but I always went back.  Couldnt leave it be) at the very beginning of summer (May 1st)

-Continued to talk and try to work something out until today, when I faced reality.

I am about halfway through "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which I, again, began reading too late.

My ex has a "mild" case of BPD.  Her doc said she has "borderline tendencies" and she also has generalized anxiety disorder as well as a type of depression.  Of the various BPD behaviours, she:

-was NOT very prone to rages/blaming

-had little to no sense of self/identity

-has chronic feelings of emptiness

-has major fears of abandonment (heightened by her father leaving her as a child and a mother who is likely an undiagnosed BPD)

-has impulsive behaviors (promiscuity and self harm)

-has had lots of messy relationships in the past

After confirming something I suspected with her last night, it works out that she was cheating on me with a variety of people during the entire 8 months we were together.  I knew about much of it as it happened (she has a tendency to be "dating" two people at once, one usually in a different city) and each time we would break up and then get back together after I was convinced she had "learned this time".  I really let myself get walked all over the entire relationship.  She was CONSTANTLY talking to other guys (and even a girl, she experimented a little in high school) and kept me constantly worried.  She would accuse me of doing the exact same thing, and trying to cheat on her when in fact there was ZERO evidence of anything of the sort (and besides evidence, no reason for her to think such anyways.  Nothing was happening)

In doing a little reading of other threads before writing this, I saw discussion saying that the question of "why" we NON-BPD's stayed for so long in our abusive relationships is an important one.  And I have to agree.  For me, I wanted to help her.  I wanted to think that she, and our situation was different, and that something I could do, or changes she could make on the spot would fix this.  It would have been infinitely times easier to walk away if when she cheated on me she got some sort of sick pleasure out of hurting me, or she enjoyed it.  But instead i saw the sweet person inside, a prisoner to herself, and I wanted to be the one to help her where all others had walked away.   I don't know where I picked up the soft side, but it is why i stayed.  I didn't want to abandon her and write her off too.

She HAS doing neurofeedback treatment and is currently in DBT, both with an individual therapist and a group.  That also made it hard to walk away... . To know that she WAS trying to work on it.

After each time an episode of cheating came out, we would sit down and I would lay out what needed to happen going forward, etc.  We were going to date through the summer but i discovered she was once again dating two of us at the same time and broke it off with her.  Thankfully I am home, 2 hours away from the college town and her.  Her friends are horrible.  One absolutely leaches off her for her money and her car, and manipulates her relationships for fun it seems, and the other is the girl i mentioned who for several months, under the guise of a "friend", was pressuring her to be in a lesbian relationship. 

The biggest tell of my Ex's BPD was her inability to establish boundaries within her relationships with people.  Her sense of self is so nonexistant that she does not get any of her sense of self from herself.  She gets it all from the [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)[/b][/url] of others, which has led her to sleep with many guys and also what motivates her to continue giving up her money and car to the friend.  She survives off the acceptance of others, and it is this same need for attention and acceptance that I believe led her to cheat like she did.  Most all of the cheating was of the emotional sort- a small portion was physical.  For as loving and as caring as I was to her, I wasn't there every single minute reinforcing that (in her eyes) she was worth something.  And being an attractive 22 yr old girl, she had no shortage of guys trying to get with her and give her the attention and [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)[/b][/url] she so desperately craves.

Even though it has only been 8 months, it was 8 months of hell.  Every day was constant worrying and stress over who she was talking to, if she was cheating again, etc.  And healthy relationships shouldnt be that way.  After I again discovered her cheating at the beginning of the month, I told her she had a choice to make.  Either get rid of the two friends who were IMO really poor influences and get rid of the guy (as she said she was still "in love with me", and I told her i was not going to be her emotional tampon while she dated another guy) or I would no longer be part of her life.  She finally consented to this two days ago.  And after a day of it, I realized if we were ever to date again, I would be the controlling manipulative person I had been trying to get her away from all along.  That after finding out that there wasn't more than 2-3 weeks where she was not cheating on me in 8 months, the things I would need to feel safe went way beyond a reasonable healthy relationship.  So i told her that I really hope she can make the changes she needs to make, and that I still do see the good in her, but I cannot be with her any more or ever again.  That for as much as seeing her happy and healthy meant to me, I needed to get myself happy and healthy again.  So it has been... . 9 hours since we last talked and I am doing ok.  I think for a long time I have been in the denial stage, and I am finally reaching acceptance.  It still hurts like no other.

I know that nothing I did is to blame.  That no matter how good of a boyfriend I might have been, all of this was bound to happen.  Even knowing that however it still really hurts.  The sadness is about evenly split... . half that I wasn't for how hard I tried and all that I gave of myself able to help her and half that throughout the entire relationship, there was someone else.  I DO believe her when she said she DID love me.  It hurts to know how totally and completely you gave yourself to someone to find out that they had a backup plan hidden the entire time.

I don't know what I am looking for in writing this post... . Maybe just feedback and perspective from others who know what I have dealt with.  It is one thing to explain it to friends and look for comfort, but when none of them have ever experienced something like this, it can be fairly unhelpful.  The fact that she was my first (and most current) love doesn't help anything.

Thanks for reading folks.  I wish any and all of you luck with the BPD's in your lives

As a short addendum, I am not really angry with her.  I am much more sad and sorrowful over the whole thing than angry.  Her actions may be those of a "bad" person, but I don't consider her a bad person.  The distinction there for me lies in intent, and I don't think she intended to hurt me.  She was just doing what she knew how to do to "survive".

Hi Octoberfest

So sorry to hear about your very difficult rs! 

Good you have support here and with the eggshell book. This can help to understand the disorder and our role in it better.

Sounds that you have quite a awareness for your own boundaries.  |iiii

Like you, many of us want help our SO. But without boundaries it leads to endless push and pull relationships.

Keep posting here, Octoberfest, it helps. 

Thanks for the words. One of the biggest hurdles has been seeing that there is life after her or without her. I am finally beginning to see it again.  It is strange and foreign, but I see it.  This is harder because she was the first girl I ever dated as well as my first love.  But life goes on and I have to believe that there are relationships out there that aren't made of cheating and lies.  It is all I know at this time.

A familiar story, like so many others here... .

This place helped me no end in my darkest days - just something about knowing that my situation was not unique, really made me feel like it's gonna be ok.  Other people have survived it, right?

Sorry you find yourself here.  It sucks that it was your first relationship, also.  Mine too - well, not really, but she was the first girl I ever planned to marry!  First one who was long term, first one who I took home to meet my parents.

The pain is incredible... .

But in the words of a good friend who also had a BPD ex - "When you make it through this, you'll feel invincible, like superman" :) I'm still waiting for that day

Anyway.  Read as much as you can here, things feel better by doing that.

And post.  Get stuff down, the feedback you get will be brilliant. xxx

I read your post and I can understand how you felt.  My ex gf had a horrible childhood. Her husband cheated on her and then the person she was suppose to remarry left her for another.  I stayed for so long because I didn't want to be another person to abandon her.  I thought if I worked hard enough and showed her that I was there everythng would be alright.  But it was never enough.  She projected all her rage and fear onto me and if I went out with friends or talked to someone else she thought I was goig to leave.  I isolated myself from my family and friends for a long time.  A month ago she left me again.  I thought we were actually in a good place and doing well.  She became angry with her father, dumped me, and is now moving in with a new guy.  She blames me for all her pain in her life.  But I know know that I am not responsible and I do not hate her. I do love her but I realize that she is toxic to me and for my own health I need her to stay away.  I am hoping the text messages stop but it is hard because we work together.