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I feel like I have made so much progress at detaching and healing. And then, out of the blue, I find myself desperately wanting my ex to come back. He filled such a deep need for about a year, a need I either was not aware of, or had just buried years go. But now I am aware of this need, and although I have tried to bury it again, it is like a wound that just never heals completely. It feels like I am tied to him forever, most likely due to the intense bonding he did with me. Will I ever be free again?

I understand your pain... . my BPD husband of 18 years left and is happy go lucky... . acts like I never existed... . sometimes I feel better off without him... . dealing with the stress and his suicide threats... . but sometimes in the lonely hours my heart aches for our relationship... . its so tough to deal with. Your in my thoughts.

I can't answer your question, as I am on the same search you are. Something critical to remember though is that there WAS a "before" you met your BPDSO. And it stands to reason that there is an "after".  You can remember all of the highs you had together; but not without forgetting the lows.  And the fact that you are no longer together means the lows outshone the highs.  There is no easy way of rationalizing it... . I am working as hard as anyone and have as much work ahead of me still to do it.  Also critical though is remembering that no matter what you did, it would never change what happened.  It is a really disturbing feeling-  It has left me feeling very helpless.  Always when I have encountered a problem there has been a solution, some way to make it WORK.  And it just isn't so in this case.  It doesn't keep people from trying-I and lots of other people did everything to "try harder" or "do better" or "change" so that it would work.  But ultimately you are beating a dead horse.  And it is really depressing to come to terms with that.

I wish you the best of luck.  As evidenced by these boards, many, many people have done this before us.  We can do it too.

I struggle too, and I know I will never be completely free because of the obligations we have to each other through divorce and family.  I still miss him every day, but I am stronger now, and I know what I want/need at least for now.  This isn't easy, but it is necessary.  I wish you peace of mind and heart.  I wish that for all of us.

Yes you can, and you will. I did   and you know, now when I think about my ex I mostly feel discusted, where before I was longing after him and believeing I could make it work. You will get there. Accept the reality as it is. Look at it, take away all your wants and needs and "what if... . " and look what the truth is in this very moment. See your ex exactly how he/she was and is, without denial and wishful thinking and without hate and judgment. You will forgive in time,  most important is to forgive yourself. Become the person you like to be with, learn to be without partner and still enjoying life... . when you are healthy and less needy you will attract the right partner to you!

What need did he fill Blessed0329?

Clearmind, I had lost my father, then 18 months later my mother. I was reeling from these deaths, and my marriage was falling apart with rage and hostility from both of us. Enter my ex pwBPD, who was like an oasis in the desert. The ride he took me on for a little over a year helped me forget all of the pain I was in. He was thoughtful and considerate, in stark contrast to my husband. He made me feel alive and happy, wanted and cherished. I had felt none of those things in several years. Our relationship reminded me of high school years, as we laughed together like little kids. It was wonderful while it lasted.

I know that whenever things start to get really bad again in my marriage, that is when I miss my ex the most.

Great topic for where my head is at today

I made so much progress earlier in the year that I actually said goodbye to these boards and took a break. But I needed them again when the feeling you talk about crept back into play.

And I do feel that they met a deep seeded need in us of some kind... . the need for someone to just get us. My own feeling is that an invalidating childhood lends itself to someone idealizing us and hanging off our every word. It's devastating when the one person who ever got us also demonises us and paints us black as night.

The other element at play is how lonely we feel. And that loneliness is part of the reason we stayed beyond the logical time frame and all the red flags. The grief we feel at losing the one who seemed to get us and negate our feelings of being broken, combined with the loneliness we face again as we lick our wounds, make for a very strong pull for contact with them again.

I know this condition backwards now... . and also the things I need to work on in myself, but the pull for answers, contact, closure can be stronger than all of this knowledge at times. I just know that any contact will make it worse, not better, so I don't do it. Learning to sit in the discomfort is probably a cornerstone of the emotional maturity we lacked in the first place.

Hang in there. For me, it comes in waves, so I know I will be back in the zone soon and a little freer.

BB12

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I am sorry to hear you have gone through so much.

Often we mask our feelings with something else - its a comfort for a while. The cycle continues. To process the loss of our BPD relationships we need to dig deep and process the grief inside ourselves. Blessed, there is most likely a lot for you to process over the loss of your parents and also the state of your marriage right now. Its a lot to think about.

Often its not our ex's we are grieving

Be kind to you

I too am missing my exbf soo much.

The loneliness is unbearable.

I wish we could have talked about our saddness  :'(